Post by: Xt1ncT on October 20, 2006, 12:52:02 pm
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid replies, "One".
The boss asks, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid responded, "$101,237.65".
The boss exclaims, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss asks incredulously, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
Post by: Simon_NZ on October 20, 2006, 12:53:59 pm
Post by: Xt1ncT on October 20, 2006, 12:54:48 pm
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Post by: Xt1ncT on October 20, 2006, 12:56:42 pm
Two friends are playing golf. They're keep waiting on every tee for the group ahead of them to clear - a ladies twosome.
Finally , at the 5th hole one of them decides to walk down to them and ask if they can play through. Half way down the fairway he makes a quick u-turn and comes back.
He says to his buddy "man, I can't do it! It's my wife and my mistress ahead of us!" His buddy says "ok, in that case I'll ask them and we'll sneak by, they won't see you". He starts walking down the fairway... half the way he turns around and jogs back. He says to his friend "it's a small world, isn't it??"....
Post by: Valvanite on October 20, 2006, 01:48:58 pm
how do you stop the neighbours kid from playing in your back yard?
Molest him
Post by: smegmacheese on October 20, 2006, 02:02:28 pm
Post by: Equity on October 20, 2006, 02:05:06 pm
Post by: Xt1ncT on October 20, 2006, 02:14:22 pm
Quote from: Equity
dammit i dont get xtincts last one lolYou're joking right??
If not.......they both have their wife and mistress ahead - ergo the mistress is the other dude's wife......
Post by: SittingDuck on October 20, 2006, 02:23:02 pm
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Post by: Simon_NZ on October 20, 2006, 02:24:07 pm
Nothing.
You already told her twice.
Post by: SittingDuck on October 20, 2006, 02:27:32 pm
An old lady gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop comes over and says " Can I see your license and registration"?
The lady says "No, I don't have one, Lost it 3 years ago and this car is stolen. I murdered the owner and his body is in the trunk"
The cop calls his superior officer, and she comes over.
The superior cop asks the lady" Can I see your license and registration?"
The lady gives it to her.
"Can I check your trunk"? Asks the superior
"Sure" replies the old lady.
Nothing is in the trunk.
The superior syas to the lady " Sorry, I don't know what has gotten into that officer today. He said that you had no license or registration, and the car was stolen, and the murdered owner was in the trunk!"
The old lady replies "He must of said I was speeding, too!"
Post by: Into The Void on October 20, 2006, 04:54:20 pm
Most of mine are racist or else extremly offensive. Here's some copy and pastes.
For the record, I have nothing against MJ.
why did michael jackson cross the road?
because he seen a sign saying slow children
what did the left testicle say to the right testicle?
fuck knows but they were talking bollocks.
What does Michael Jackson and Mcdonalds have in common?
They both stick meat in 4 year old buns.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there's twenty of them.
Why was the willow weeping?
He was unpoplar.
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."
His agent replies "Sure! No hassle."
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish
When the Mexican gets home,he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
A very dirty joke:
Two monkeys took a shit in the mud!
Post by: BerG on October 20, 2006, 07:49:23 pm
Quote from: Into The Void
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."
His agent replies "Sure! No hassle."
LOL
The rest suck though.
Post by: Into The Void on October 20, 2006, 08:49:12 pm
Post by: Simon_NZ on October 20, 2006, 08:49:51 pm
pm me:P
Post by: Fragin on October 20, 2006, 10:16:15 pm
Post by: Lone-Star on October 20, 2006, 10:36:36 pm
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy here in Auckland.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a Dairy, a Shell Service Station, a Lotto outlet, a Fruit Shop or an Indian Takeaway.
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 24, 2006, 09:15:00 am
Hello, my name is Al and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding
50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to
have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling
freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
What a crock of shit
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Fuck 'em.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90
times.
I don't fucking care!
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these. Chances are, it's your
own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant
for 27years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
P .S. Send me 50 bucks and Then Fuck Off
Post by: Baldesto on October 24, 2006, 10:15:34 am
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
Post by: Baldesto on October 24, 2006, 10:16:22 am
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that faggot shit in our garden."
Post by: Baldesto on October 24, 2006, 10:16:55 am
Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Rabbi.'"
Post by: BerG on October 24, 2006, 10:22:06 am
Quote from: Into The Void
All my good ones are racist or are about dead babies. Which I don't think is allowed.
Come on dude, we're all friends here.
Of course they're allowed.
And LOL BALDESTO :rnr:
Post by: SittingDuck on October 24, 2006, 10:57:39 am
Was that actually chain mail
I'd forward that :D
Post by: Into The Void on October 24, 2006, 11:05:48 am
I had heard the first 2. The second one is funny as hell.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper
How many dead babies can fit in a barrel?
4 1/2.
What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.
What do vegetarian ogres eat?
Cabbage patch kids.
Probably most have heard em.
Post by: SittingDuck on October 24, 2006, 11:09:31 am
i don;t if it's more funny or horrifying :D
Post by: Simon_NZ on October 24, 2006, 11:14:16 am
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 24, 2006, 11:54:15 am
Quote from: Simon_NZ
What does AIDS stand for?
ass infected death sentance.........lol
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 24, 2006, 11:54:55 am
a pounding sensation in your ass.
Post by: Jakey on October 24, 2006, 12:45:54 pm
which is just around the corner.
The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a
kilt for my wedding."
The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?"
.
"Oh she'll be dressed in white."
Post by: Into The Void on October 24, 2006, 07:37:06 pm
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS(NZ Post I guess we could change it to)? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. Are those real?
17. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
18. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
19. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
20. (Look down at your crotch) Well, It's not just going to suck itself.
21. You know if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
22. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
23. F @ me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
24. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
25. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
26. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
27. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
28. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
29. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
30. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
31. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
32. I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?
33. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
34. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
35. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
36. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
37. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
38. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 24, 2006, 08:15:55 pm
Quote from: Into The Void
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
.
I LOVE IT :rnr: lol
Post by: Xt1ncT on October 25, 2006, 02:47:19 pm
A baby with a javelin through it's neck
Post by: Xt1ncT on October 25, 2006, 02:47:59 pm
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Post by: Simon_NZ on October 25, 2006, 02:50:33 pm
lol
Post by: themussnz on October 25, 2006, 04:14:20 pm
What do you get when you cross an African American with a octopus?
The best dam cotton picker you ever seen.
Why do they put cotton wool in pill bottles?
To remind the African Americans they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
Post by: Slapper on October 25, 2006, 04:19:40 pm
Post by: pseudogecko on October 27, 2006, 10:32:17 am
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 27, 2006, 07:38:51 pm
Post by: joshmaister on October 30, 2006, 08:56:31 pm
A nun with a spear through her head.
Post by: henno on October 30, 2006, 09:20:45 pm
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious.
She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
Post by: joshmaister on October 30, 2006, 09:25:55 pm
Post by: laurasaur on October 31, 2006, 12:10:50 am
Quote from: Baldesto
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?". She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
fucking lol that is hilarious
Post by: Simon_NZ on October 31, 2006, 03:51:27 pm
A: He was caught rolling a joint!!!
bahahahhaah
Post by: joshmaister on October 31, 2006, 06:48:58 pm
You can GET chocolate
BUYING chocolate is legal
Chocolate won’t mind if you bite the nuts too hard
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate with each other without being called "gay"
You’re never too young or too old for chocolate.
Post by: ThaFleastyler on November 01, 2006, 09:56:00 pm
Please note: may be totally cheesy.
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
18. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
Post by: Heswe on November 02, 2006, 01:06:16 am
Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Post by: drunk.kiwi on November 02, 2006, 07:42:57 pm
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Post by: Lone-Star on November 07, 2006, 06:03:04 pm
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Post by: joshmaister on November 07, 2006, 08:20:29 pm
Quote from: Xt1ncT
What's red and can't turn round in an alley??
A baby with a javelin through it's neck
lol thats just as bad as my nun one
Post by: joshmaister on November 07, 2006, 08:36:36 pm
Quote from: Xt1ncT
What's red and can't turn round in an alley??
A baby with a javelin through it's neck
lol thats just as bad as my nun one
Post by: drunk.kiwi on November 07, 2006, 09:50:45 pm
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of baby and a few nuts on top.
mmmm yum yum. :chuckle:
Post by: Tiddles on November 08, 2006, 09:33:05 pm
A mother and her daughter were walking through the park on a lovely Sunday afternoon.
The daughter suddenly stops and points to a couple, bonding on the park bench.
"Mummy, what are those two peoples doing?"
"their making cakes dear" was the reply her mother gave her.
Monday afternoon, and the mother and her daughter have just finished feeding the ducks and are walking back home. The daughter stops and points to another couple, bonding beside the tree, just off the beach.
"Their making cakes aren't they mummy?"
"Yes they are dear" was the reply her mother gave her.
Next day, the daughter come into her parents bedroom after waking up extra early for school.
"Mummy, you and daddy made cakes last night, didn't you?"
"Yes dear, but how did you know?"asked her puzzled mother.
"Because I licked clean the icing off the couch"
Post by: henno on November 14, 2006, 04:56:30 pm
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."
Post by: Rambler on November 14, 2006, 07:36:41 pm
A baby with its water-wings slashed
whats red, yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Water-wings with the baby slashed
Post by: Hopeless on November 14, 2006, 09:40:02 pm
Quote from: Rambler
what's blue yellow and lies on the bottom of the pool?
A baby with its water-wings slashed
whats red, yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Water-wings with the baby slashed
lol classic +1 rep
Post by: TofuEater on December 20, 2006, 04:34:06 pm
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car, children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
GOD says to her, "Sweetheart, work with me on this one. Buy a ticket."
Post by: shoot_2_kill_u on December 20, 2006, 04:51:48 pm
He cries out "Shit! I missed the bugger! "
The vicar then begins to tell his neighbour how it is bad to swear, and says that he shall not go to heaven if he does not apologise.
The neighbour shrugs it off, and walks over to his ball to take another shot.
He swings, and once again misses the hole completely.
"Bloody hell! I missed the bugger again!"
The vicar, once again, begins to preach on how bad it is to swear. Again, the neighbour shrugs it off and moves to make another shot.
He swings, and hits it straight into the stream.
"FOR FUCKS SAKE! I KEEP MISSING THE BASTARD!"
Suddenly, a big naked man appears in the clouds and throws a lightning bolt at the vicar.
"Shit! I missed the bugger!"
Post by: Valvanite on December 28, 2006, 12:49:28 pm
you know its wrong but sooner or later your gonna put your tounge on it
Post by: Dangyy on January 10, 2007, 03:11:10 am
Park bench can support a family.
Why cant prostitutes count to 70 ?...
Cause 69s a mouth full
Came to my head first :D
Post by: Xt1ncT on January 10, 2007, 02:38:31 pm
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... . A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Post by: D_Unit on January 10, 2007, 03:00:55 pm
Post by: themussnz on January 10, 2007, 03:31:46 pm
ROFL
Post by: APFSDU on January 11, 2007, 01:33:48 pm
How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your blood covered dick clean on it's teddy bear.
Sorry. I love that one.
Post by: Xt1ncT on January 11, 2007, 02:37:48 pm
Post by: Baldesto on January 11, 2007, 02:58:17 pm
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul..." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Another brief pause then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 11, 2007, 02:58:49 pm
Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?"
"Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi." "VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".
Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you, Cheryl?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 11, 2007, 02:59:47 pm
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Post by: Baldesto on January 11, 2007, 03:00:33 pm
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally, realising what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN! ... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 11, 2007, 03:01:04 pm
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out - Fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about His father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and give them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."
Post by: Aurora on January 11, 2007, 04:38:41 pm
JOKE: When is a car not a car?
ANSWER: When it turns into a drive way! OMG LUL!
Post by: Baldesto on January 12, 2007, 09:41:05 am
Post by: Baldesto on January 12, 2007, 09:41:42 am
He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. "I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me." The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.
He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?" "Anything your eminence. What is it?" "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 12, 2007, 09:46:45 am
MORE NUDITY - A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
HONESTY - My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS - On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP - A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
ELDERLY - While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP - A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"
DEATH - While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL - A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE - A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Post by: Xt1ncT on January 12, 2007, 12:20:38 pm
Quote from: Baldesto
A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today." He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong.Damn - I repped you for another one when this one is so much more deserving of rep...GOLD.
He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. "I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me." The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.
He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?" "Anything your eminence. What is it?" "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 12, 2007, 12:53:27 pm
Post by: Rambler on February 05, 2007, 09:57:36 am
"Everyone in the world has a lie clock, everytime they lie the hands move. Here is Mother Teresa's clock, it hasn't moved, showing she has never lied. This one is A.Lincolns clock, it has moved twice, showing he has lied 2 times in his entire life."
The man is amazed, and asks "Where is Helen Clark's clock"
St J. looks a bit disturbed and replies "It's in Jesus's office-he's using it as a ceiling fan"
Post by: Optimus on February 09, 2007, 12:30:14 am
Because his knob was stuck in a chicken.
Post by: mango on February 10, 2007, 05:19:26 pm
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
Post by: mango on February 10, 2007, 05:21:49 pm
The Geography of a Woman
> >>------------------------
> >>Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
> >>She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
> >>bushland around the fertile deltas.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
> >>Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
> >>especially with countries with cash or cars.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
> >>relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
> >>She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a
> >>warm and desirable place to visit.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
> >>lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
> >>reconstruction is now necessary.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
> >>wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
> >>frigid climate keeps people away.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
> >>With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit
> >>like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
> >>
> >>After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where
> >>it is, but no one wants to go there.
> >>
> >>The Geography of a Man
> >>------------------------
> >>Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a
> >>dick.
Post by: mango on February 11, 2007, 11:57:14 pm
(they are not gay, three men can walk down a beach if they want!) they find a lamp, give it a rub and a genie pops out! He gives them one wish each, ...
The English man wishes for his country to be self contained so they need no outside support.
The Australian gets the idea and wishes for a great wall to be put all around Australia so no-one or nothing can get in or out.
The Kiwi thinks and asks about this wall, the genie replys its 500 meters tall and 100 feet thick, nothing will get in or out for all time.
The kiwi thinks and says "...fill it with water"
Post by: SUPA_maori_BRO on March 08, 2007, 03:48:41 pm
Post by: Mr_St1nky on March 10, 2007, 02:31:15 pm
the nazi's up the front and the jews in the ashtray.
Post by: TuataraDude on April 11, 2007, 08:04:39 am
Quote from: Mr_St1nky;359280
how do you fit 300 jews and two nazi's in a mini?
the nazi's up the front and the jews in the ashtray.
Not very nice.
Post by: Possessed on April 11, 2007, 01:07:31 pm
Quote from: Mr_St1nky;359280
how do you fit 300 jews and two nazi's in a mini?
the nazi's up the front and the jews in the ashtray.
ahahahahahahahah loved it!!
Post by: Pagan on April 13, 2007, 04:08:07 pm
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time, hahaha
Post by: Mr_St1nky on April 14, 2007, 02:17:23 am
The rabbit says no.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
-------------
A clown, a midget and a monkey walk into a bar. Bartender says, "what is this? a joke?"
---------------
A panda walks into a bar, asks for a Jack and............................coke. The bartender asks, "why the pause?"
The panda raises his paws and replies...."I'm a panda"
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:12:49 am
--
There were two men standing at the medicine isle in the supermarket the first man said "Viagra is the greatest drug in the world it has helped my love life and I feel much better about my self." The second man replied "wow it helped you that much!? Can you get it over the counter." the first man said, "if I take two."
--
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty." The clerk handed him a mirror.
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:13:19 am
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:15:03 am
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:15:45 am
The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy - a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. "The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:20:01 am
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:20:55 am
--
One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor, "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?" The doctor immediately grabs a jar of Vaseline and says,” if you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth. The man replies,” Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:21:46 am
I need some advice. I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her but should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?
Post by: Baldesto on April 14, 2007, 09:22:24 am
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
Post by: ThaFleastyler on April 14, 2007, 09:43:47 am
Post by: Baldesto on April 20, 2007, 03:27:45 pm
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. And I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
Post by: Baldesto on April 20, 2007, 03:29:09 pm
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up...
Post by: Baldesto on April 20, 2007, 03:30:21 pm
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired
Post by: 420fairy on April 20, 2007, 05:16:57 pm
Post by: drunk.kiwi on April 20, 2007, 07:54:08 pm
Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding
cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's
house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the
shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece
of firewood
but they find no cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.
The phone rings at Rangi's house.
"Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yeah."
"Happy Birthday bro!"
Post by: drunk.kiwi on April 21, 2007, 10:57:01 am
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped
up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad" With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with
all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's
not
only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very
happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than
I,
she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the
>whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's
now
one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for
all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure
deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your son,
John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.
Post by: DDM on April 21, 2007, 10:59:31 am
Post by: drunk.kiwi on April 21, 2007, 05:41:53 pm
Quote from: DDM;397733
That ones already been posted in this thread.
oops.......
Thanks for that.
Changed it now.
Post by: DDM on April 21, 2007, 05:48:37 pm
*Jedi mind trick*
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Post by: Phlex on April 23, 2007, 11:03:50 am
Post by: Slim on April 26, 2007, 02:49:45 am
Quote from: Baldesto;389988
Dear Dr. Abby,
I need some advice. I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South Auckland and one of my sisters, who lives in Wellington, is married to a guy from Australia. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Rolleston on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her but should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Australian?
I have edited it to make it more relevant to us Kiwis...
Post by: Baldesto on April 27, 2007, 10:19:59 am
Post by: Baldesto on May 04, 2007, 04:50:32 pm
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?' The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?" "It me," replies the old man. "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"
He say, "Moishe Plotnik." Then she look at me and say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting."
Post by: Baldesto on May 04, 2007, 04:51:02 pm
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf"? Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again, I play the ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt"? asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap"? Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, amazing, says, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm all for that. When would you like to play"? Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Post by: Baldesto on May 04, 2007, 04:51:48 pm
One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair." "I most certainly do not," she replied. "I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.
She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.
A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said. "The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."
Post by: Baldesto on May 04, 2007, 04:52:29 pm
--
Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time.
Post by: UsernamePending on May 07, 2007, 01:36:13 pm
Quote from: $lim-$hot;401909
I have edited it to make it more relevant to us Kiwis...
The joke its relevant to.....
:madcrowd: :madcrowd: :madcrowd:
Post by: Baldesto on May 11, 2007, 10:21:56 am
--
This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says, "but I don't know what type he uses." "Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks. "No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."
Post by: Baldesto on May 11, 2007, 10:22:44 am
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "OK."
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"
Post by: Baldesto on May 11, 2007, 10:23:53 am
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: "First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing... all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes by and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, then he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Post by: Baldesto on May 11, 2007, 10:28:43 am
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who - in his day - had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased!"
Post by: woofnstuff on May 11, 2007, 07:37:11 pm
The Best History of NZ Written
It IS long but FUNNY,
Geography:
New Zealand is situated the same distance eastwards from Australia as London is to Moscow. So if anybody tells you it's right next to Australia, tell them to piss off.
It is bigger than Connecticut, but smaller than Canada.
There are two main islands - The North Island and The South Island.
There is also about a zillion other islands dotted around and about, none of which need concern you.
The South Island is slightly bigger than the North Island, but South Islanders that refer to themselves as "Mainlanders" are wankers.
The largest city in New Zealand is Auckland, which has a population of approximately 1,300,000 people, many of whom own Holdens.
The capital is Wellington, which is really boring and windy and don't go there.
The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of Sydney. It has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton.
Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but smaller than Texas, and has less guns but more trout.
Why fucking bulls is better than fucking Bulls
The worst place in New Zealand goes by the tantalising and evocative name of Bulls, population two men and a dog. It has achieved it's dubious distinction by having the bones of stranded hitch hikers scattered along all points of egress. It is a shithole; if you manage to escape it within five hours of having entered it, you can count yourself very lucky indeed.
All you need know when travelling in New Zealand is:
North Island: beaches
South Island: mountains
...and don't go to Dannevirke, you'll hate it.
I was recently told about the perfect NZ tourist's map. It is a world map produced by an English publisher for use in schools, probably in the 1940s or 50s. It has marked on New Zealand three cities - Auckland, Wellington and Bennydale.
Go to Bennydale, it's choice. Mollusc's dad got beaten up by a big Maori woman in the Bennydale pub in 1976.
If you're a Crowded House or Split Enz fan, a pilgrimage to Te Awamutu is essential. You will see why Split Enz split, and why Neil Finn used to live in Melbourne. But is back here now.
Hamilton is a strange place - very foggy in winter, and not in Canada (or Connecticut). If you are hitch hiking in the area and somebody offers you a lift "as far as Hamilton", you can guarantee you will end up walking from one side of town to the other,which will a) take about two hours and b) not endear you to any part of the stinky, boring, flat, green Waikato plains.
History
Many years ago a bloke called Maui went fishing with his brothers, using his grandmother's jawbone as a fish hook (apparently his grandmother's jaw fell off through overuse, an object lesson in verbosity). He caught a big fish and hauled it to the surface. It was a big fish (man). Like, really really big. About as big as the North Island. In fact, if the truth be told, it *was* the North Island. But that's okay, because Maui's canoe was pretty large as well, as big as The South Island (get the picture?)
Maui's brothers, seeing the size of the fish, became jealous and laid into it with their meres and axes and shit, thus conveniently terraforming it into a fairly rugged bit of heavily forested fish (or land, as geologists prefer to call it).
A bit after that, in a huge migration from Hawaiiki (probably no relation), the Maori people arrived in this new land of Aotearoa, The Land of The Long White Cloud. At which point they murdered all the local tribsmen (yes thats right the Maori's were NOT the first ones here). the Morories
After spending about 1000 years not inventing the internal combustion engine, nuclear weapons, those horrible guttering systems which get clogged up with leaves and twigs and dead sparrows and need to be cleaned out every six months, or Unix, the country was colonised (invaded) by Europeans, bringing blankets, muskets, whaling ships, God, syphilis, tuberculosis and guttering systems.
The Maoris, overwhelmed by the European's staggering generosity, occasionally went berko and killed some settlers, but to no avail. By 1840, the Treaty of Waitangi - popularly advertised as New Zealand's founding document - was signed by the Governor of New Zealand (representing Queen Vicky of England) and various Maori chiefs, representing each tribe.
After another thirty years of bloodshed, things began to settle down a little bit and the real business of farming sheep and building towns like Bulls could begin in earnest.
Bulls was built. It still exists today. Aaaaaargh.
The capital was moved from Russell to Auckland to Wellington to London to Washington. There was speculation during the 1940s that the new capital might be Berlin or Tokyo, but such rumours were unfounded in the cold impartial light of military sueriority and nuclear weapons.
World War One came, and with it came the battle of Gallipoli, in which heaps of Kiwis and Aussies got dropped on the wrong beach by a Pommie Bastard who was probably marinating his brain in gin at the time. A battle that should have lasted about twelve hours lasted six months, and cost Gunner Spinley (Mollusc's grandad) his face, which stopped a Turkish bullet.
World War Two rolled around, and thousands more Kiwis died displaying the refreshing lack of self-preservation that Allied High Command was so enamoured with.
The score stands at New Zealand two, Germany nil.
Nuclear ships stopped coming in 1984 with the election of The First Labour Government in a Very Long Time. America loves us slightly less than it did before.
The French blew up a Greenpeace ship, The Rainbow Warrior, in Auckland in 1985. We like the French slightly less than we did before. However, due to the fact that we export dairy products and beef and lamb to France, we don't dislike them enough to really do anything about it.
We won the Rugby World Cup in 1987 and nobody really gives a shit, except Westies and their fathers.
We had a sesquicentenial in 1990 (150th anniversary - we note with interest that the word did not exist prior to 1990). It was crap and lost lots of money.
Politics
[Editor's Note: this stuff is now slightly out of date....]
There are three main political parties in New Zealand: National, Labour and McGillicuddy Serious.
National: Currently the government. A bunch of right wing dickheads, intent of reducing inflation to 0-2% per annum by taking away everybody's money until nobody can afford anything, so prices don't go up. Simple? Rumour has it, so too is the Minister of Finance.
Labour: The Opposition. A bunch of right wing dickheads, who used to be a bunch of left wing dickheads until 1984 when, rumour has it, their souls were all sold to the Business Round Table (Mafia). We don't believe this, no no no, not at all. But it's worth repeating.
McGilicuddy Serious: Scottish Monarchist Regressionists, intent in re-establishing the Jacobite line to supreme executive office, then disassembling all the trappings of modern technology (internal combustion engines, guttering systems, Unix, etc) and living a life of pastoral, clan-oriented bliss. Due to growing popular disillusionment with both National and Labour, an outside favourite to win the 1993 general election.
It is interesting to note that New Zealand has no formal constitution and only one house of Parliament. So, if The McGillicuddy Serious Party is elected, it can do all this quite legally.
Post by: woofnstuff on May 11, 2007, 07:37:43 pm
Buzzy Bees: A quintessential piece of Kiwiana. It is a small wooden bee that toddlers can drag around on a piece of string. It has wings that rotate (backwards) and it makes a weird clicking sound. They are being made again....Yippie!!
The Edmond's Cook Book: More copies of this book have been sold in New Zealand than any other book (ever). Produced by Edmonds, makers of fine Baking Powder, Cake Mix and Bournville Cocoa. There are hundreds of recipes, many incorporating Edmond's "Sure to Rise" Baking Powder, Edmond's Cake Mix, and Bournville Cocoa.
Holdens: Holden is an Australian car manufacturer, a subsidiary of General Motors. Most Australiasians either don't know this, or don't care. The classic New Zealand car is a very old grey Holden station wagon, with shot suspension and dodgy brakes. It is driven by Westies. They are popular because they are cheap (because they are crap) and have big engines, which may or may not be V8s. We don't know, nor care. We are cyclists, who dislike most cars and hate Holdens.
Swannies: Woolen bush shirts and jackets made by Swanndri NZ Ltd. Very waterproof, scratchy, rugged, warm and make you look like a mass murderer when hitch hiking.
Pavlova:
3 egg whites 1 teaspoon vinegar
3 tablespoons cold water 1 teaspoon vanilla essence
1 cup castor sugar 3 teaspoons cornflour
Beat egg whites until stiff, add cold water and beat again. Add castor sugar gradually while still beating. Slow beater and add vinegar, vanilla and cornflour. Place of greased paper on greased tray and bake at 150 degrees C (300 F) for 45 minutes, then leave to cool in the oven.
(Courtesy of The Edmond's Cookbook (naturally)).
This recipe never works, nor does any other recipe for pav, except this one:
*
$15
*
Bicycle
*
Carrier bag
Ride bicycle down to supermarket, purchase pavlova with $15, place in carrier bag. Ride home. Remove pavlova from carrier bag, place in cold oven. When guests arrive, remove from oven and say "Look at this pav I just made!"
Any Australians, South Africans, Yugoslavians or Tibetans who tell you that the pav was invented in their country are full of shit and are not to be believed.
Pies: North Americans may be unfamiliar with this phenomenon. A pie is a savoury hors d'ouvres pastry thing, but three times the size, filled with meat (from whence we can only guess) and with a lid on.
The worst pies in New Zealand can be had for NZ$1.80 a piece at a grimy, smelly, cockroach-infested petrol station by Lake Karapiro. Coming a close second are the infamous Putrid Pies of Panmure (a suburb of Auckland). They seem to be available from all the bakeries - do not touch them, they are the source of all evil.
There are some quite nice pies in Queenstown, but we really hate Queenstown, and this ruins the whole pie eating experience for us. There are also some quite nice pies in Onehunga (south Auckland). However, it should be noted that pies can never be rated at anything above "good". Also, pie criticism is one of the most subjective things imaginable.
Post by: frankytanky on May 11, 2007, 10:47:52 pm
what is brown and looks through your window.
a poo on stilts!!
Post by: TuataraDude on May 12, 2007, 06:45:57 am
Quote from: woofnstuff;419592
Also, pie criticism is one of the most subjective things imaginable.
Very true, the Butter Chicken pies at BP are excellent, which proves your point on the subjectivity of the subject. lol.
Oops! As this is a joke thread, better put on in.
Little Johnny (Oh noes, not little Johnny) walks past the bathroom and sees him mum in the bath.
"Mummy, what are those?" he asks pointing at her chest.
"Those are my breats dear".
"What is that?" he asks, pointing at her nether regions.
"erm....that's where your daddy hit me with the axe dear" she replies.
"Really?" he says, "Wow! What a shot! Right in the c**t!".
Post by: Zero_error on May 12, 2007, 05:35:39 pm
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 14, 2007, 04:39:26 am
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 14, 2007, 04:41:25 am
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 14, 2007, 04:47:36 am
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.
(the sad thing is, I've been there:disappoin )
Post by: Baldesto on May 18, 2007, 08:52:18 am
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not!? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Ten'see, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
Post by: Baldesto on May 18, 2007, 08:56:57 am
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... how did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 18, 2007, 03:40:30 pm
Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.
Yo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.
Yo Mama is so fat that she got baptized at Sea World!
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 18, 2007, 03:42:20 pm
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 01:41:56 pm
--
"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby. "Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
--
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 01:42:54 pm
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, heres $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 01:50:30 pm
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 01:52:48 pm
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 01:59:18 pm
Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked: 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 02:01:09 pm
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, "diesel fitter". Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled Paddy "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 02:02:35 pm
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a nice day sir and drive carefully."
Post by: Baldesto on May 21, 2007, 02:08:07 pm
A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Post by: tommyboi on May 23, 2007, 09:53:30 am
From A social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big
Smile on his face.
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! He said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex
For the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk
To him".
Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm
Proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed Bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get the bike.
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
"I couldn't ride it right now anyway dad, my arse is too sore"
Post by: woofnstuff on May 23, 2007, 02:38:17 pm
Quote from: tommyboi;432673
A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home
From A social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big
Smile on his face.
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! He said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex
For the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk
To him".
Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm
Proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed Bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get the bike.
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
"I couldn't ride it right now anyway dad, my arse is too sore"
aint that the truth lol
Post by: henno on May 23, 2007, 04:22:38 pm
was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?"she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Post by: hoodieblanket on May 23, 2007, 10:58:16 pm
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Post by: Baldesto on May 25, 2007, 07:40:39 pm
So the man pulls down his trousers and underpants, 'whips it out' and sure enough there for all to see is a bright orange penis. "Well I never," says the doc. "This is a form of a rash that I have seen in other parts of the body, but never 'there', and it's normally caused by great amounts of stress in a person's life - can you tell me about your work life?"
The guy replies "well, I got sacked two months ago..." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "I really hated my last job - the hours were terrible, the work was boring and my boss was a total prick. Now I've got a new job with better pay, better hours, it's interesting and my boss is cool."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your home life?" To this the guy replies "Well, I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "She was a real bitch, my ex-wife. All she did all day was nag, nag, nag - I'm so glad to be rid of her."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your social life?" To this the guy replies "err... well I don't really have one - most nights I just stay home, watch porn and eat Cheetos..."
Post by: Baldesto on May 25, 2007, 07:41:50 pm
The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. Great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island."
"Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all, so I said well, how about a little head then?"
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 27, 2007, 11:22:42 am
Correct me if im wrong.:bounce:
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 27, 2007, 11:26:40 am
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
Post by: drunk.kiwi on May 27, 2007, 11:32:42 am
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- General George Armstrong Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein, 1938
7. "It @#$%ing does SO look like her!"
-- Pablo Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon--who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this %#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2006
Post by: Baldesto on May 30, 2007, 05:57:53 pm
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
Post by: Mr_St1nky on May 31, 2007, 08:25:42 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;427383
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... how did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
(http://www.nickscipio.com/funstuff/archive22/images/woodencock.jpg)
Hickory dickory, doc.
Post by: Senator-K722 on June 01, 2007, 04:06:02 pm
Post by: Baldesto on June 02, 2007, 08:30:56 am
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
Post by: Baldesto on June 02, 2007, 08:37:30 am
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Post by: Fragin on June 03, 2007, 04:36:49 pm
Post by: woofnstuff on June 04, 2007, 09:33:52 am
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Post by: drunk.kiwi on June 04, 2007, 05:21:06 pm
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Post by: drunk.kiwi on June 04, 2007, 05:21:39 pm
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Post by: drunk.kiwi on June 04, 2007, 05:30:09 pm
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
:heheh:
Post by: Baldesto on June 05, 2007, 10:53:30 am
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 05, 2007, 10:56:02 am
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"Guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
Post by: Baldesto on June 05, 2007, 10:59:09 am
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Post by: Spork on June 05, 2007, 04:54:57 pm
You cant make a Vitamen but you can make a....
Post by: Fragin on June 05, 2007, 05:10:07 pm
Post by: BerG on June 05, 2007, 05:19:26 pm
Post by: Rambler on June 05, 2007, 05:45:49 pm
Red Bandana $14
Baggy Jeans $120
9mm Pistol $220
Realising your white...Priceless
Three men are in a sauna, an American, a pakiha and a Maori. They hear a beeping sound and the yank touches his forearm and says "thats my pager, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
Next a phone rings, and the pakiha lifts his palm to his ear, and syays he has a microchip in his hand.
The Maori, feeling very low-tech, goes to the toilet and comes back with toilet-paper hanging from his arse and exclaims " EAHH i cun believe it! would you look at that, I am getting a fax! "
Post by: Fragin on June 05, 2007, 05:46:11 pm
The warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Nah, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile.
Then I whistle and they jump back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS. Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the warden for a moment and said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this."
The man poured the fish back into the river and waited. After several
minutes the warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Post by: woofnstuff on June 06, 2007, 12:11:00 pm
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
Post by: themussnz on June 07, 2007, 04:15:52 pm
(http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/4666/harryvq1.png)
Post by: Fragin on June 07, 2007, 06:50:17 pm
"Yarr," the pirate replied "It's drivin' me nut's."
Post by: woofnstuff on June 08, 2007, 01:17:17 pm
-=-=-=-=-=
"Doctor, I have an stomach ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
100 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 08, 2007, 06:42:06 pm
Post by: Baldesto on June 08, 2007, 06:43:27 pm
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom where she strips and shows her. Her own curiosity aroused the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 08, 2007, 06:44:50 pm
The big guy couldn't help but notice the enormous size of the little man's penis. He said to the little person, "I'm not gay or anything but how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?"
The little guy replied "Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick it up your ass."
The big guy thought to himself "Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass." He said "OK, my wish is for a million dollars." "Bend over" said the leprechaun and proceeded to pound the crap out of him.
When it was over, the big guy exclaimed "I can't believe you got all that up in me." The little guy said "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 08, 2007, 06:47:29 pm
Post by: M@lice on June 08, 2007, 07:00:19 pm
Post by: Scorched_onion on June 08, 2007, 07:13:44 pm
Quote from: Xt1ncT;247849
Love this one
Two friends are playing golf. They're keep waiting on every tee for the group ahead of them to clear - a ladies twosome.
Finally , at the 5th hole one of them decides to walk down to them and ask if they can play through. Half way down the fairway he makes a quick u-turn and comes back.
He says to his buddy "man, I can't do it! It's my wife and my mistress ahead of us!" His buddy says "ok, in that case I'll ask them and we'll sneak by, they won't see you". He starts walking down the fairway... half the way he turns around and jogs back. He says to his friend "it's a small world, isn't it??"....
dont get it
Post by: Scorched_onion on June 08, 2007, 07:40:12 pm
Quote from: drunk.kiwi;437028
TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
LMFAO I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD AT THAT FIRST ONE!!.
Post by: Scorched_onion on June 08, 2007, 07:47:31 pm
Quote from: henno;433079
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?"she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
LMFAO
Post by: Scorched_onion on June 08, 2007, 07:51:10 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;430533
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."[/B]
A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
HAHAHA AT THE TOP ONE
Post by: woofnstuff on June 08, 2007, 08:03:59 pm
Quote from: Scorched_onion;449975
dont get it
its possably his wife and his mistress too, the youth today, they .. well.. fuck know what they get
Post by: woofnstuff on June 08, 2007, 08:05:55 pm
-------------------
Advancement opportunity
-Lousy job
Entry Level
-Really a lousy job
No experience necessary
-The mother of all lousy jobs
Administrative assistant
-Lousy job with a title
Ground floor opportunity
-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public Relations Receptionist - Professional appearance important
-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner
-Be the voice of 1-900-suck
Earn up to $300 per hour
-Be 1-900-suck
Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K
Jeans job!
-Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office
Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women/minorities encouraged
-White males need not waste a stamp
Outstanding benefits package
-Health insurance
Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
Top notch communication skills
-Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
Secretary
-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
Executive secretary
-The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate
-We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
Salary negotiable
-We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary
-We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job-period!
Competitive starting salary
-Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere
-A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere
-Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere
-Pod people from hell
Dynamic atmosphere
-Zombie pod people from hell
Gal Friday
-Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
Self starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means
Ekk that was long
Post by: henno on June 10, 2007, 01:49:18 pm
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Post by: woofnstuff on June 11, 2007, 11:52:05 am
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
AQUARIUS
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk .
PISCES
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
ARIES
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice . You are a prick.
TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI
You are quick and intelligent, and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However you are also a cheap bastard. Gemini's are liars, notoriously lousy lovers and thrive on incest.
CANCER
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
LEO
You-consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murderers.
SAGITTARIUS
You are optimistic and overly enthusiastic You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you lot because you are always getting fucked.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on June 11, 2007, 12:17:52 pm
"I could murder a KFC family pack"
Post by: Fragin on June 13, 2007, 11:48:13 pm
Down on the reef all the female seaweed were swaying back and forth with the swell.
Some of the seaweed were old and as the swell went in and out their tatty fronds would wave one way then wave the other.
One of the old seaweed started putting sea anenomes on her fronds to make her look nicer.
Soon all the old seaweed followed, they all got sea ananomes and put them on their fronds and with their new artificial look thought they were quite beautiful.
Then they saw a nice young seaweed with beautifull fronds swaying back and forth, she looked so lovely.
One of the older seaweeds said, "Why don't you stick some sea anenomes on your fronds like we have?"
"Well," replied the young seaweed, "with fronds like mine, who needs anenomes."
Post by: Aezra on June 14, 2007, 12:10:12 am
Post by: Tiwaking! on June 15, 2007, 09:54:30 am
Quote from: Fragin';454573
"Well," replied the young seaweed, "with fronds like mine, who needs anenomes."
That is one of the best jokes yet
Post by: TuataraDude on June 15, 2007, 10:18:31 am
Next day she goes back for the test results with her husband there for support.
"Well. I'm afraid it's bad news. We are still awaiting one more result back and that isn't due for another 2 weeks, but it is either AIDS or Alzheimers".
The woman and her husband leave, feeling quite distraught and anxious about what it will end up being. The doctor calls the husband back into his office.
"Look, there is one way you can find out rather than wait for the results to come in." he says.
"Really?" replies the husband "How?"
"Drive her way out into the forrest and leave her there. If she makes it back home, don't fuck her".
Post by: Simon_NZ on June 15, 2007, 10:23:31 am
LOL~!
Post by: Baldesto on June 15, 2007, 01:44:07 pm
Post by: Baldesto on June 15, 2007, 01:44:45 pm
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
Post by: Baldesto on June 15, 2007, 01:45:30 pm
So off the lady goes to get some "Nair". At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Post by: Baldesto on June 15, 2007, 01:51:42 pm
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 15, 2007, 01:52:32 pm
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to perform fellatio!" "You're joking!" the woman exclaimed. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more oral sex for her! So she bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making tremendous banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outta here.
Post by: Simon_NZ on June 18, 2007, 03:12:58 pm
Potentially & Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homosexual .
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst
not really paying attention.
Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!
He said "I'm not happy"........
I said "Well which one are you then?"
Post by: Baldesto on June 18, 2007, 05:11:36 pm
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my University football team 15 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6 am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my work-out today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank 5 cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work-out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Post by: Baldesto on June 21, 2007, 09:24:02 am
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot, too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Suddenly, she heard the parrot screech, and she knew that things hadn't changed.
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?" And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed bitch!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 21, 2007, 09:25:26 am
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
Post by: Baldesto on June 21, 2007, 09:26:02 am
A nurse comes by, and to the gay's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
Post by: Baldesto on June 21, 2007, 09:29:31 am
The blonde replies, "According to the picture on the box, it's a big chicken." Her boyfriend hurries over to find the puzzle spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. Turning to his girlfriend he says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken"
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then..." he sighs, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box..."
Post by: Baldesto on June 21, 2007, 09:39:32 am
"He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires."
"He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
"Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
"He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Post by: Tiwaking! on June 21, 2007, 09:51:16 am
Because he just throws his fags in the pool
Post by: Baldesto on June 21, 2007, 09:53:46 am
To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
Post by: Survival on June 22, 2007, 02:46:21 am
A fuck and a blow job at the same time
Post by: Baldesto on June 22, 2007, 09:52:53 am
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long..."
Post by: Baldesto on June 22, 2007, 09:53:24 am
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 22, 2007, 09:54:23 am
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
Post by: Baldesto on June 22, 2007, 09:58:42 am
His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second born son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
Post by: Baldesto on June 22, 2007, 10:00:36 am
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season." So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?" "Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 22, 2007, 10:01:27 am
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"
Post by: frankytanky on June 22, 2007, 12:58:14 pm
Post by: Baldesto on June 25, 2007, 07:59:53 pm
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...
Post by: TuataraDude on June 26, 2007, 06:17:25 pm
"Hey God" he starts. "Creating Eve was pretty nifty work, but let's face it, you used Adams' rib so you already had a DNA sample. A tweak here, and adjustment there, and you would have a woman."
"GLAD YOU APPROVE" God replies. (note, capitals to show force of presence, not shouting)
Feeling a little encouraged that he hadn't been chastized for what he thought might be considered blasphemous, he goes on.
"Let's be honest, even creating Adam out of dirt was nifty, but hardly impossible. I mean, we can do that now as well you know."
"REALLY?" God asks.
"Yeah, we can create humans from dirt as well" the scientist tells Him.
"OK THEN, GO FOR IT. SHOW ME".
The scientist say "Sure", bends down and grabs some dirt.
"OI! GET YOUR OWN DIRT!."
PS - Baldy, that centipede joke is priceless. Would rep you if I could, but I gotta spread the love around some more first.
Post by: Valvanite on June 27, 2007, 02:31:52 pm
how do you fuck a coconut?
turn then power off.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on June 27, 2007, 02:38:04 pm
Quote from: TuataraDude;466834
A scientist dies and goes to heaven. Somewhat surprised there is an afterlife (he was a scientist afterall), but relieved he ended up in the right place, he decides to catch up with God.
"Hey God" he starts. "Creating Eve was pretty nifty work, but let's face it, you used Adams' rib so you already had a DNA sample. A tweak here, and adjustment there, and you would have a woman."
"GLAD YOU APPROVE" God replies. (note, capitals to show force of presence, not shouting)
Feeling a little encouraged that he hadn't been chastized for what he thought might be considered blasphemous, he goes on.
"Let's be honest, even creating Adam out of dirt was nifty, but hardly impossible. I mean, we can do that now as well you know."
"REALLY?" God asks.
"Yeah, we can create humans from dirt as well" the scientist tells Him.
"OK THEN, GO FOR IT. SHOW ME".
The scientist say "Sure", bends down and grabs some dirt.
"OI! GET YOUR OWN DIRT!."
PS - Baldy, that centipede joke is priceless. Would rep you if I could, but I gotta spread the love around some more first.
LOL very nice man. and baldy i'd give you rep too for the centipede joke but i gotta spread it a bit more too =|
here is mine:
one guy in a bar says to the other.
"you know... i could have played for the All Blacks if i had just listened to what my dad said."
"Yeah? What did your dad say then?"
"I don;t know... i wasnt listening."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on June 27, 2007, 02:45:06 pm
"Shit!" said one of the guys. "who's gonna tell his wife whats happened?"
"I'll do it" said the other one. "I;m good with that sensitive stuff."
so an hour later he returns with a case of heinekens in one arm. The other guy asks him, "hey... did you see his Mrs?"
"yep. And she gave me these beers too."
"aye?? Why?"
"well went over there. she opened the door i asked, 'are you Steve's Widow?'
'im not a widow' she replied.
'i bet you a case of Heine's you are!'"
Post by: henno on June 30, 2007, 05:30:43 pm
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty.
Post by: Baldesto on July 01, 2007, 12:38:52 pm
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f*ck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Post by: Baldesto on July 01, 2007, 12:55:12 pm
Post by: Baldesto on July 01, 2007, 12:56:38 pm
Post by: Baldesto on July 01, 2007, 01:00:34 pm
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl
is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck,"the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the
fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but
if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have
a siren."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on July 01, 2007, 04:25:20 pm
the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his
desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she
hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?"
"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.
" How's that?" he asks again more confident.
That's wonderful! What did you do?"
"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on July 01, 2007, 04:49:42 pm
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dick'ead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on July 03, 2007, 12:22:00 am
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open thedoor to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage doorshut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
Post by: drunk.kiwi on July 07, 2007, 09:06:14 pm
You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.:bounce:
Post by: drunk.kiwi on July 07, 2007, 09:10:07 pm
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.":heheh:
Post by: drunk.kiwi on July 07, 2007, 09:12:19 pm
the telephone company gave her two area codes!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
that after sex I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
the Goodyear blimp accidently flew into her mouth!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people shout "Taxi!"
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her feet need license plates!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
that she has to use a VCR for a pager
Post by: Baldesto on July 08, 2007, 07:47:46 pm
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five metres in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...?"
Post by: Black Heart on July 09, 2007, 04:57:58 pm
the first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant
orange panties.' Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties.....'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
always look fo da black box first.
Post by: Scorched_onion on July 09, 2007, 09:42:32 pm
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette??........
i dont have a corvette in my garage
Post by: Rambler on July 10, 2007, 03:02:14 pm
Quote from: Scorched_onion;478763
whats better then 10 dead babies nailed to a tree??......1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees...love the dead baby ones, keep'em coming
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette??........
i dont have a corvette in my garage
Post by: Survival on July 11, 2007, 10:57:27 pm
Quote from: Scorched_onion;478763
whats better then 10 dead babies nailed to a tree??......1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees...
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette??........
i dont have a corvette in my garage
+1 from me LOL
Post by: Scorched_onion on July 12, 2007, 08:43:11 pm
Quote from: Survival;481022
+1 from me LOL
thnks
Post by: Scorched_onion on July 12, 2007, 08:44:34 pm
how do you get 10 dead babies into a trash can?
blender
how do you get them out?
tortia chips
....
bleh, something like that
Post by: Baldesto on July 13, 2007, 09:48:52 am
Post by: Baldesto on July 13, 2007, 09:51:48 am
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on July 13, 2007, 09:51:57 am
The major storm that hit the North Shore this week left residents reeling in its wake. Strong winds cut power to a number of areas, leaving householders baffled. One man was seen carrying his plasma screen up the street looking for somewhere to plug it in.
Others suffered horrific losses. "I've driven from Milford to Rothesey Bay and I can't find a soy latte anywhere," sobbed a distraught woman.
Phone lines to landscape gardeners were clogged by anxious callers needing immediate assistance. "My Pacific fusion courtyard has been filled with my neighbour's California succulents - what should I do?" Property owners are being advised to stay calm and read landscaping magazines until help arrives.
The storm damage has left some residents philosophical. 'It was about time I changed my garden art," said one Devonport man. 'With my insurance payout I'll be able to get the very latest in limestone geometric figures while my neighbours are still stuck with their out-dated stainless steel sculptures. It's an ill wind, eh?"
Many drivers are finding their 4 wheel drive vehicles invaluable in the trying conditions. One man admitted he had driven right over workers clearing fallen trees from the road and had hardly felt a thing.
Rescue organisations have been quick to respond to the disaster. A Starbucks tanker is calling on housebound residents, and catering companies are rushing spit-roasting equipment to the area to provide hot venison paninis for those in need. Mobile cell-phone charging trucks will be on hand over the next few days until full power is restored.
Those outside Auckland who wish to help are encouraged to send gift vouchers for Hermes or Louis Vuitton, to speed the healing process through retail therapy. Or you can phone 0900 3RDWORLD to make a tax-deductible $500 donation. Please - these people need help. Really.
Post by: Baldesto on July 13, 2007, 09:52:42 am
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point precisely".
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on July 13, 2007, 10:01:36 am
AUDI:
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Another Uninformed Driver Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW:
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
Big Man Wannabe
Big Money Wasted
Broken Money Waster
BUICK:
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Import Car Killer
CADILLAC:
Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars
CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
Car Has Earnhardt Victorious Racing Or Lapping Every Track
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHRYSLER:
Can't Have Refund, You're Stuck Leasing Edsel's Replacement
DODGE:
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
FIAT:
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
Fix it again tomorrow
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
FORD:
Frigin Old Rebuilt Dodge
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research and Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
Ford backwards: Drivers returning on foot.
Forward Only, Reverse Defective
Fast On Repair Demands
GEO:
Good Engineering Overlooked
GM:
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garage Me
GMC:
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Got More Crap
HONDA:
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
JEEP:
Junk Engineered, Executed Poorly
KIA:
Kick It Again
Kick Inventors Ass
Korean Intelligence Absent
LINCOLN:
Lousy Implementation, Not Cars Of Luxurious Nature
MAZDA:
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Made After Zero Design Analysis
MERCEDES:
Many Expensive Repairs Can Eventually Discourage Extra Sales
MERCURY:
Many Endless Rattles Create Uncomfortable Road Yacht.
MOPAR:
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mostly Old Paint And Rust
OLDSMOBILE:
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly
Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular
Leftover Equipment
Old Ladies Drive Slow-Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
PLYMOUTH:
Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, All Underestimating This Heap
PONTIAC:
Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac
PORSCHE:
Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything
SAAB:
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
Sad Attempt At Beauty
SATURN:
Sad Attempt To Unload Recycled Nissans
STEALTH:
Speed Trap Equipment Aims Low, Targets Hood
SUBARU:
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Too Often Yuppies Overaccessorize This Auto
TRIUMPH:
The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
VOLVO:
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW:
Virtually Worthless
Post by: drunk.kiwi on July 15, 2007, 04:12:56 pm
The dog plays with it more.
How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
Post by: Poos on July 16, 2007, 02:04:53 pm
Whats brown and crispy, spins in circles and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave
What sits in a corner getting smaller and reder?
A baby combing his hair with a potatoe pealer :P
Why couldnt the baby fit through the big door?
He had a javlin thru his head:P
How do you know when its micheal Jacksons bed time?
When the big hand reaches the small hand :P
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look attractive ?
Put a nipple on it :P
Why do the Irish bury the dead with there bums sticking up ?
Use them for bike stands :P
Post by: Baldesto on July 22, 2007, 07:39:42 pm
Post by: Spork on July 22, 2007, 08:36:55 pm
Baby jokes can also be used against emos.
How many emos does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
Two emos jump off a bridge, who wins? Society.
Post by: Simon_NZ on July 25, 2007, 07:34:23 pm
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2007, 08:03:11 am
Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once..."
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2007, 08:06:30 am
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2007, 08:07:05 am
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there is more blood curdling screams.
Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell." You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised." Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
Post by: Possessed on July 30, 2007, 12:28:32 pm
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, HuntingAndFishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks ...Troubled User
-------
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 installed and work on improving the configuration. I suggest installing the background application YesDear 99.0 to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to do this before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as CleanAndSweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 and DoBills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0, but beware because sometimes these applications can be expensive.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
WARNING!!! Attempting to install NewGirlFriend 8.8 along with Wife 1.0 will crash the system.
(see Wife 1.0 manual, Apologize, High Maintenance & Secretary with Short Skirt)
Post by: Baldesto on August 03, 2007, 08:20:08 am
Post by: Baldesto on August 03, 2007, 08:21:50 am
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
Post by: Baldesto on August 03, 2007, 08:24:58 am
"They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him. "Fucken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 03, 2007, 08:25:42 am
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
Post by: Baldesto on August 03, 2007, 08:27:10 am
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."
"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 03, 2007, 08:27:53 am
The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you, Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on August 03, 2007, 03:54:19 pm
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger — he’d been a rugby player in his younger days. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Post by: woofnstuff on August 06, 2007, 03:23:47 pm
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it . crashed -- . and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 10, 2007, 08:21:14 am
Post by: Baldesto on August 10, 2007, 08:22:17 am
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Post by: TuataraDude on August 16, 2007, 06:59:14 am
He tells them, "I will let you guys go if you can go get ten pieces of the same fruit from the jungle, and come back."
The first guy, John comes back, holding 10 oranges. The leader of the tribe tells him to shove them all up his ass without making a sound before he is to be set free.
He starts to shove one of the oranges up, but halfway through, he shrieks in pain and is killed by the tribe.
Jack comes back about 5 minutes later, holding 10 grapes. The leader tells him to do the same thing as John.
He gets started, and shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 grapes up, and without warning, he bursts into laughter. He is also killed.
In heaven, Jack and John meet. John says, "Dude! you were so close to getting 10, there were only 2 more! Why did you start laughing?"
"Well, just as I bent over, I saw Bob coming back with 10 pineapples!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 17, 2007, 11:54:46 am
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late I had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad "the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum still look great. Dad I just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present, Sorry." It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 17, 2007, 12:09:12 pm
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock." the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, fucks sake, you fucking cunt, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!!
Post by: henno on August 19, 2007, 09:39:14 pm
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
Post by: Aezra on August 20, 2007, 11:56:05 am
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
“Sorry. I didn’t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much,” the passenger says.
“It’s not your fault,” replies the cabbie. “Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.”
Post by: henno on August 20, 2007, 02:27:55 pm
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...
Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
Post by: TuataraDude on August 23, 2007, 07:17:17 am
One day, as Mary was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question, "Who created the heavens and the earth?"
Johnny, a little boy sitty behind her, pulled out a pin and jabbed her up the rear, "GOD ALMIGHTY" said Mary, 'Well Done", said the teacher, and Mary fell back to sleep...
Then the teacher asked her a second question, "Who died on the cross to save all of our sins?", Little Johnny, Jabbed her in the ass again, "JESUS CHRIST", yelped Mary, "Well done" said the teacher, and Mary fell back to sleep...
Then the teacher asked a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had thier 23rd child?" once again, Johnny shoved the pin into her butt, but this time, Mary got up and screamed, "IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF"
the teacher fainted...
Post by: Baldesto on August 24, 2007, 08:09:54 am
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 24, 2007, 08:11:05 am
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmmm... let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of". The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Rudy, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Rudy replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA!". "WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Rudy. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."
Rudy got the job.
Post by: Baldesto on August 24, 2007, 08:11:53 am
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that was available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Post by: Baldesto on August 24, 2007, 08:12:47 am
After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on August 27, 2007, 02:59:22 pm
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: So Hassoun, how was your day?. Hassoun tells him he took care of 3 patients.
The first one had a headache and I gave him TYLENOL. Bravo ya Hassoun, and the second one?
The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir. Bravo ya Hassoun ''you're good at this''and the third one?
Sir, I was sitting, suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a "flame" and undresses herself, taking off her bra, "NICE BIG ONES SIR" and then take off her panties "Oh MY GOSH"..... Then she jump and sleeps on the table and shouts: "HELP ME since 5 years I have not seen any man!"
And what did you do Hassoun?
It was easy; I put eye drops in her eyes sir!
Post by: Aezra on August 28, 2007, 06:26:12 pm
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on August 31, 2007, 10:45:48 am
Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his
face with both hands
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she
said, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she
continued, running her forefinger
across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2007, 12:52:18 pm
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! " "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?," asked the barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2007, 12:53:16 pm
I took a look at my wife that day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde. Now we have a $250,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big king-size bed and a 50" plasma TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 61 year-old gray-haired woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife, being the a very reasonable woman that she is, told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2007, 12:55:54 pm
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Doctor said "You've got to stop masturbating". Guy says "Why?". Doctor said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
Post by: Xt1ncT on August 31, 2007, 01:01:14 pm
Post by: Rambler on September 01, 2007, 01:29:49 am
One morning the 7 dwarfs, after being well fed and watered, go off to the mines. That day the mine collapses, and Snow White is in a terrible state and searches for them. She shouts down one crevice "Is anyone there??" "Are you hurt?" But no one answers. She finds numerous other cracks and shouts, but to no avail. At her wits end and in desperation she shouts down one last crack "Dwarfs, can you hear me...please" and from the depths of the cave comes a voice "Australia will win the World Cup"
Snow white responds "Oh thank god Dopey is still alive!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 07, 2007, 07:38:53 am
Post by: Baldesto on September 07, 2007, 07:39:37 am
Post by: Baldesto on September 07, 2007, 07:50:35 am
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"
Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" "What? Why not?" asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!" "What?!"
Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 07, 2007, 07:52:46 am
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"
Post by: 420fairy on September 07, 2007, 09:50:18 am
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun In My face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?
"I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today"
Post by: Fragin on September 07, 2007, 01:57:32 pm
So they swim over to take a closer look. "Yup" says the male "thats the one --bastards killed my Mum and dad they did., lets sink the ship".
She says "well how can we do that". " we will go down below it and blow very hard and somehow de-stabalise it and it might roll over and sink".
So down they go and blow as hard as they can, sure enough the ship rolls over and sinks. They come to the surface and see all the survivors swimming in the sea. "Right" he says "lets go and gobble them up"
" Oh Oh wait a minute" says the female "Im not so sure about this I mean I was ok with the blow job but Im not swallowing the seamen"
Post by: Fragin on September 07, 2007, 02:05:04 pm
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish..."
Post by: KITTY on September 09, 2007, 12:08:45 pm
Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.
She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."
Post by: nz_wing on September 09, 2007, 07:51:44 pm
Post by: private_hell on September 09, 2007, 10:31:42 pm
Quote from: nz_wing;536105
Your momma is so fat she changed the phrase "one size fits all to one size fits most"
this thread is for real jokes - not yo momma crap
Post by: KITTY on September 11, 2007, 09:26:28 am
‘For my eldest son, I wish to give you the name Fearsome Bear, do the tribe elders agree?’ The tribe elders nod their heads in agreement.
‘Who cares what his name is dad, WHAT’S MINE??’ interrupts the youngest son. He is ignored by all.
Fearless Bear says ‘thank you father, but why do you give me this name?’
The chief says ‘because in battle you are formidable like a bear, enemies avoid you because of your strength.
‘Thank you father’, says Fearsome Bear
‘Come on get on to me already dad’ continue the youngest son. Again he is ignored.
‘For my second son, I wish to give you the name Merciless Eagle, do the tribe elders agree?’ Again, the tribe elders nod their heads in agreement.
‘Aww man why am I always the last one?’ complains the youngest son very loudly.
Merciless Eagle says ‘thank you father but why do you give me this name?’
‘Lame name’ interrupts the youngest son; evil eyes glare at him
The chief says ‘because in battle you have a keen eye like an eagle and are swift to kill, without hesitation’
‘Thank you father’, says Merciless Eagle
‘Finally my turn, give it to me old man’ says the youngest son
‘Yes,’ says the chief, ‘and for my youngest son, I give you the name Thrush’
And before the chief can ask the elders if they agree, they furiously nod their heads to approve. The youngest son is confused and asks ‘father, why have you given me a name of such a small and harmless bird when my brothers have such manly names?’
The chief replies, ‘it has nothing to do with the bird, it’s because you are an irritating cunt’
Post by: Anaraith on September 11, 2007, 05:56:28 pm
3 explorers named Tony, Marty and Peter get lost on a topical island and are captured by some island natives. When the natives are about to be executed for stepping on sacred land, Tony pleads if they could have a final request. The chief decides that this is a reasonable request and asks the explorers what they want. Peter quickly blurts out they would do anything to be set free. The chief thinks long and hard until he comes up with "You shall be set free, if you can each retrieve 10 fruits from this island and follow my orders for what you are to do with them." The 3 explorers quickly run off with the guards keeping an eye on them.
Tony is the first to come back and brings back 10 oranges. The chief then tells Tony that if he can shove all 10 oranges up his ass without making a single noise he shall be set free. He gets to it getting the first 3 in easily. But when it comes to the 4th one he lets out a yelp and has failed what he needed to do. He sits in wait for his death as Marty comes back with 10 grapes. The chief tells Marty the same thing as Tony and bends down putting the grapes up his ass. Fast and quickly he gets to the 9th grape when he lets out a burst of laughter. Marty had failed and goes to sit by Tony. When he gets to Tony, Tony asks "Why did you start laughing mate? You were so close!". Marty replies with "I saw Peter coming back. He has 10 pineapples"
Post by: KITTY on September 12, 2007, 09:36:34 am
At the bar, the man says ’I’ll have a beer’
The ostrich says ‘I’ll have a glass of wine’
The cat says ‘I’ll have a glass of water – BUT I’M NOT FUCKING PAYING FOR IT’
‘Alright,’ says the bartender; he dispenses the beverages and says ‘that’ll be $14.80 please’. The man puts in hand in his pocket and without looking at what he takes out he puts the money on the counter; exactly $14.80.
The same thing happens next week and the week after and the week after that, the man says hell have a beer; the ostrich a glass, of wine; the cat a glass of water but the cat’s not going to pay of it. And each time the man puts his hand into his pocket and brings out the exact amount $14.80.
Then, the man walks into the bar followed by the ostrich and the cat, this time he asks for a vodka and Red Bull, the ostrich asks for a bellini and the cat as usual asks for the usually glass of water, and as usual adds ‘I’M NOT FUCKING PAYING FOR IT’. This time the bill adds up to $23.30. So the man puts his hand into his pocket and without looking at how much he has taken out, he puts the money on the counter and would you know it, it was exactly $23.30.
The bartender then says ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you, how is it that you have the exact change for every order of drinks that you make? You made a change to your usual today and yet you still got the right amount out of your pocket; is it some recognition-by-feel thing?’
The man replies ‘Well I found a magic lamp and I gave it a rub and a genie came out and gave me three wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed money, all I needed to do was put my hands in my pockets and the right amount will always come out; neverending supply of cash’.
The bartender says ‘that’s a fantastic wish, most people would just wish for several million dollars but your wish is so mush more practical, and you don’t have to worry about flaunting your wealth. You’re a smart man. So what were your other wishes?’
The man replies ‘a chick with long legs and a tight pussy’.
Post by: Baldesto on September 14, 2007, 03:48:04 pm
Post by: Baldesto on September 14, 2007, 03:50:08 pm
Post by: Baldesto on September 14, 2007, 03:51:33 pm
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Oriole tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said... "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Post by: Baldesto on September 14, 2007, 03:52:21 pm
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute." "YE WHAT!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says the dad interupting. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 14, 2007, 04:22:39 pm
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
Post by: henno on September 17, 2007, 05:31:49 pm
Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks.
Post by: Survival on September 18, 2007, 12:19:10 pm
Fill the hole with ashes.
Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
Post by: Scorched_onion on September 18, 2007, 03:28:46 pm
Post by: M@lice on September 18, 2007, 04:21:07 pm
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on September 19, 2007, 09:12:33 am
Quote from: M@lice;543286
I went to a Muslim Birthday party last night, Pin the tail on the donkey was a bit slow but pass the parcel was fucking frantic.
BAHAHAH thats a good one.
ok i got one in an email thsi morning. bit random but dont get offended XD
A Somalian arrives in Manukau City as a new immigrant to New Zealand ..
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr.New Zealand man for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand !" The person says "I no Kiwi. I flom Hong Kong "
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says
"Thank you for the wonderful Kiwiland!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran , I am not Kiwi!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,
"Are you a New Zealand citizen?"
She says, "No, I from Tonga !"
So he is puzzled, and asks her,
"Where are all the New Zealanders?" The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."
Post by: private_hell on September 19, 2007, 11:15:53 pm
he had no arms or legs.
three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
the first women said " have you ever had a hug"
the man said "no", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
the second women said " have you ever had a kiss.
the man said "no", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
the third women walked over to him, knelt down and whipsered in his ear,
"have you ever been f****d?"
the fellow looked up in amazement and said "no"
the women smiled and said......"you will be when the tide comes in."
Post by: Fragin on September 20, 2007, 01:10:07 am
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”
:bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse
Post by: KiLL3r on September 20, 2007, 04:03:15 pm
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to do it with ya."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have do it with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have do it with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks him to (give it up the butt), so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having doing it with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Post by: M@lice on September 20, 2007, 06:18:26 pm
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
Post by: M@lice on September 20, 2007, 10:49:11 pm
Post by: Spork on September 21, 2007, 03:23:19 pm
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to 'Mum' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings,tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Mum she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don't worry Mum. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Post by: Fragin on September 21, 2007, 04:37:33 pm
Post by: Spork on September 21, 2007, 05:09:09 pm
Post by: drunk.kiwi on September 21, 2007, 06:45:38 pm
By MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer Thu Sep 20, 10:12 AM ET
AUCKLAND - There's a new slogan for weight-watchers: Suck more piss. A friendly crate of piss, a new study has found, works off more fat and builds up more muscle than jogging.
Danish scientists, who conducted their research on 37 men, also found the piss drinkers felt less tired after exercising than the joggers because they were having more fun.
"This is good news for men who prefer to sink piss with their mates," said Matthew Dunningham, an information analyst at ASB Bank, who was not connected to the study at all.
To measure how shitted the men were getting, the researchers strapped monitors to their brains and compared blood samples and muscle tissue from before and after booze-ups and jogging sessions.
The researchers selected men with similar health profiles aged 11 to 73 and split them into groups of boozers, joggers, and nutlickers — who not surprisingly ended the three month-long study in the worst shape.
Each piss up lasted about six hours and took place three times a week. After 12 weeks, researchers found that the body fat percentage in the piss drinkers dropped by 3.7 percent, compared to about 2 percent for the joggers. Nutlickers gained up to 2 kilograms during the course of the study.
The piss drinkers also increased their muscle mass by almost 2 kilograms (4.5 pounds), whereas the joggers didn't have any significant change. Those who did no exercise or sucked little piss registered little change in body fat and muscle mass.
"Even though the piss heads were untrained, there were periods in the pub that were so intense that their cardiovascular and excretory systems were maximally taxed, just like professional rock stars," said Dr. Peter Krustrup, head of Copenhagen University's department of exercise and sport sciences, who led the study.
The piss heads and the joggers had the same average heart rate, but the piss heads got a better workout because of intense bursts of sex and violence.
Krustrup and his colleagues found there were periods during piss ups when the men’s bladders were pumping at 90 percent their full capacity. But the joggers' bladders were never pushed as hard.
"The argument as to whether or not vigorous activity is better than sucking piss is over," O'Donovan said.
He warned, however, that sedentary people shouldn't jump-start their bodies with a session of intense piss drinking but rather ease into their drinking regime with some moderate activity.
Unlike the boozers, the joggers consistently thought their runs were exhausting and boring.
"The piss drinkers were having more fun and they were more focused on scoring chicks and getting laid, rather than the feeling of strain, muscle pain and monotony," Krustrup said.
Health officials were unsure how much impact the study results might have on the wider population.
Justin Walsh, communications manager at NZFunds, said its hard enough convincing people to get wasted moderately, let alone engage in high-intensity piss drinking binges.
"There might be enormous benefits to telling people to get totally rooted twice a week," he said. "But if they're not going to do it, then that message may be useless."
Post by: Baldesto on September 21, 2007, 07:38:24 pm
--
Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home. When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.
--
Two blacks guys were walking along a road when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop on his way home from the pub. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
Post by: Baldesto on September 21, 2007, 07:40:09 pm
The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research. He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.
"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead. "Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?" "Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"
"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?" "Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."
"So, how exactly do you .... do it?" "Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo"
The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Aussies, he heads out to Australia. with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.
"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvellous mate."
Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging,
Once in New Zealand, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"
"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them." The Kiwi is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter: "What? No kissing?"
Post by: Baldesto on September 21, 2007, 07:41:34 pm
The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Obviously wasn't the same elephant.
Post by: Baldesto on September 21, 2007, 07:43:40 pm
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room.
The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off."
Post by: M@lice on September 22, 2007, 12:51:21 am
Post by: Goldo on September 22, 2007, 01:00:11 am
Post by: Fragin on September 22, 2007, 02:29:53 am
Quote from: Godless;546655
It was deliberate :P
lol, that's pretty clever
Post by: Lone-Star on September 22, 2007, 05:20:14 pm
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Post by: 420fairy on September 23, 2007, 12:53:44 am
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
Following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting others locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
And exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Post by: KITTY on September 23, 2007, 01:01:39 am
Quote from: M@lice;546647
lol kitty u nub u said "lol thats pretty clever" in ur comment but u clicked neg rep u nub lol
Quote from: Godless;546655
It was deliberate :P
Quote from: Fragin';546673
lol, that's pretty clever
Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've gotta use reverse psychology.
Homer: That sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: All right, I will!
Post by: Baldesto on September 28, 2007, 07:14:24 am
Post by: Baldesto on September 28, 2007, 07:16:00 am
"Does it work?" his mate asked. "Shit yeah. My brother read it before he went to the circus, where he got a front row seat. During the show, a clown came up and started asking him questions.
"Have you ever played front-end of a donkey?" asked the clown. "When my brother said no, the clown asked: "Well then, have you ever played the rear-end of a donkey?" Again my brother said no. Then, said the clown, bursting with laughter. "Well, you've been no end of an ass, haven't you?"
The whole audience roared with laughter, and my brother was embarrassed at being made to look like a fool. Then he remembered the book and he came back with this quick answer which turned the tables on the clown. "What did he say?" asked his mate. "Fuck off, you red-nosed cunt!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 28, 2007, 07:18:48 am
She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."
Post by: Baldesto on September 28, 2007, 07:19:47 am
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know that I've got Yellow 24." "Fuck me," says the bingo caller, "Yellow 24…?!! You've won the raffle as well!!"
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 04, 2007, 08:10:58 pm
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
Post by: Fragin on October 05, 2007, 04:21:08 pm
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Post by: 420fairy on October 05, 2007, 04:37:32 pm
Hot Enough For You?
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
Game of Choice
spacer
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are
Post by: private_hell on October 05, 2007, 04:51:20 pm
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. " Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ".
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes " "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No " Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes " whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter "
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME "
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 07, 2007, 08:50:03 am
Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.”
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
“That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.
It goes like this: “Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!”
Tyrone said, “Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental.” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!
Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!”
Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.”
“Well, what poem did you tell her?”
Tyrone said: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!”
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 07, 2007, 08:51:54 am
Michael asked her “How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?”
Debbie replied, “Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!”
(Ok, that was low. Please Lord forgive me for that.)
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 07, 2007, 08:54:58 am
“Woofnstuff, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Woofnstuff.”
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
“Woofnstuff… Woofnstuff… Woofnstuff, you sick bastard. You’re a vet.”
Woof, I love you really.
Dont ban me for this :sunnies:
Post by: private_hell on October 07, 2007, 10:42:18 am
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man."
The Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now"
Post by: Munc_her on October 07, 2007, 11:27:52 am
Post by: DDM on October 07, 2007, 04:34:53 pm
Post by: Baldesto on October 12, 2007, 08:35:07 am
Post by: Baldesto on October 12, 2007, 08:36:21 am
Post by: Baldesto on October 12, 2007, 08:44:35 am
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready..." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "Look, I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a chequebook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Post by: henno on October 12, 2007, 06:56:42 pm
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Things That Are VERY Difficult To Say When You're Drunk
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE To Say When You're Drunk
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right, I can't jump over that table!
Post by: Fragin on October 13, 2007, 03:36:50 pm
Post by: Fragin on October 13, 2007, 11:59:26 pm
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her
dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her
husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at
her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out
and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he
did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Post by: Prime-522 on October 14, 2007, 04:49:04 pm
Post by: Spork on October 14, 2007, 04:52:34 pm
Post by: henno on October 14, 2007, 10:51:28 pm
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A handjob."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.
He says, "Okay."
She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
Post by: MrBurNZ on October 15, 2007, 11:54:41 am
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, 'Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, 'If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' replied the son, 'I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, 'If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. 'A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
'A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
'I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, 'but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
'Dear son,' said the father, 'I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. 'Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
`Dearest father,' the son started, 'I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
'Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
'Father,' the son said, 'You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. 'My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. 'Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. 'Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
'Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
'Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
'Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
'I..' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
'I.. I...'
Then he died.
Post by: Fragin on October 15, 2007, 12:09:53 pm
I think the joke's on me u fucker. :knife:
Post by: Baffled on October 15, 2007, 12:38:24 pm
Post by: M@lice on October 17, 2007, 05:18:10 pm
(http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p97/malice_2k/thenipunchedherinthecunt.jpg)
(http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p97/malice_2k/idntseewhatyoudidthere.jpg)
(http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p97/malice_2k/rainingmen.jpg)
Post by: henno on October 18, 2007, 03:24:03 pm
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."
So the two cannibals start eating.
After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"
The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"
The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 19, 2007, 08:20:03 am
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".
The cop said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample" The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".
So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then". The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays rugby for New Zealand, please don't take the piss out of him".
Post by: Baldesto on October 19, 2007, 08:27:11 am
So the guy places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Post by: Baldesto on October 19, 2007, 08:28:31 am
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker were collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy? "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter.
Post by: Baldesto on October 19, 2007, 08:47:10 am
Post by: woofnstuff on October 19, 2007, 08:57:55 am
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).
"Tendjewberrymud"
Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best email of 1999.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....
Room Service (RS) "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G) "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS "Ow July den?"
G "What??"
RS "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G "Crisp will be fine."
RS "Hokay. An San tos?"
G "What?"
RS"San tos. July San tos?"
G "I don't think so"
RS "No? Judo one toes??"
G "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,an English muffin will be fine."
RS "We bother?"
G "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS "Wad?"
G "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS "Copy?"
G "Sorry?"
RS "Copy...tea...mill?"
G "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G "Whatever you say"
RS "Tendjewberrymud"
G "You're welcome"
Post by: Pams_CoCopops on October 19, 2007, 04:39:57 pm
Q: Whats 3ft tal that cant fit threw a door?
A: A baby with a javlin in its head.
Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feat 1st?
A: to see the expression on its face when you turn it on?
Q: Whats Black and blue and hates sex?
A: the 12yo in my Bacement
Q: What better than 2 21yo's?
A: 21 2yo's
Q: Whats sicker than a pile of dead baby's?
A: A live one eating its way out
Q: Whats better than 5 babys in a bucket?
A: 1 baby in 5 buckets
Post by: Spork on October 19, 2007, 04:47:48 pm
Post by: 420fairy on October 21, 2007, 01:11:08 pm
Post by: 420fairy on October 23, 2007, 04:53:06 pm
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Post by: 420fairy on October 23, 2007, 04:54:29 pm
I’m Glad I’m A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
Post by: TuataraDude on October 23, 2007, 06:49:57 pm
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 26, 2007, 09:01:25 am
--
What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world? A girl who is free for the evening.
--
A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What was the question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Post by: Baldesto on October 26, 2007, 09:02:13 am
Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.
I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.
"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man. "He choked on one of my socks..."
Post by: Baldesto on October 26, 2007, 09:02:49 am
George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 26, 2007, 09:05:00 am
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"
Post by: Baldesto on October 26, 2007, 09:07:36 am
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Kiwi said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "101,237.64." The kiwi replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him!?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4...?" "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... 'Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"
Post by: Karatoo on October 28, 2007, 08:55:16 pm
Post by: SteddieEddie on October 29, 2007, 03:19:08 pm
Baldesto you are one funny cu*t. Shame I can't rep you more.:sunnies:
Post by: Hopeless on October 30, 2007, 09:26:56 am
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
3. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
4. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your daughter has a boyfriend
Bad: He's your best friends
Ugly: You bumped into him at the pharmacy buying condoms
8. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
9. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Post by: Baldesto on November 03, 2007, 01:43:05 pm
--
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day." "Really?!" says the bartender, "How?" "Very simple. Just pour full glasses.
Post by: Baldesto on November 03, 2007, 01:44:01 pm
So when a guy from the office whom she really likes asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilogram of fresh liver.
She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.
Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each others arms.
Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up an old maid." She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table...
"Dear Annie, Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL! Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON! Love You, Bill. (P.S. Your cunt's in the sink)"
Post by: FOAMER on November 03, 2007, 01:47:01 pm
Post by: Fragin on November 03, 2007, 06:36:13 pm
Post by: DEATH0WL on November 03, 2007, 06:54:24 pm
Quote from: Fragin';584714
([url]http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=16943&d=1193990855[/url])
Haha that's a good one.
Post by: Fragin on November 03, 2007, 07:24:56 pm
For Sale
1. Mary -
1980 model. Immaculate for age. Will pass any inspection. Top down fun in summer. Be the envy of your friends. Cannot afford to keep them all, so this one on offer for sale reluctantly.
2. Susan -
Sporty performance and a real head turner. Excellent condition. Very reliable. A1 body. Just had a major service. Only taken out on Sundays.
3. - Maria
First imported in 1975. Comes with a number of accessories. Been great to me over the years. Said it was either her or the fishing so here she is. Prepared to let her go for below market value, or to swap for what-have-you.
(http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=16938&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1193990414)(http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=16939&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1193990414)(http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=16940&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1193990414)
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on November 07, 2007, 09:58:53 am
men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, When
suddenly the Irishman cried out
'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself,
sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! you!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to
give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his
table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be
Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint
of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Kiwi calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a Lion
Red for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
'Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for
years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the
Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in
shock.
'By jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
completely gone. It's a Miracle!'
Jesus then approaches the Kiwi, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Kiwi whispers.
'Back off mate, I'm on ACC'
Post by: Hopeless on November 07, 2007, 02:10:08 pm
(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)
I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!
Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.
Man, I'm hungry = Man, if I don't eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar...again.
You're really pretty = I'm going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.
Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?
I'm soooo drunk = I'm planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.
I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?
You're my best friend, man = You're my only friend in arm's reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.
I don't want to ruin the friendship = You're a nice girl but you're very heavy and I'd rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.
This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!
Let's take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.
I'm totally fine, dude = I'm totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.
What's up, Bro? = What's up, guy-whose-name-I-can't-ever-remember?
Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?
I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.
Dude, I didn't even make it out of home last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!
Post by: Baldesto on November 09, 2007, 12:21:54 pm
So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room. "Everything OK?" asks the boss. "Yes", answers the young man, "Except one thing. She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt." "She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?", exclaims the boss, astonished. "Yes", replies the young man.
The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room, and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, "See, I told you!". "That's not a prawn, that's her clitoris!", explains the boss. "Well, it tasted like a prawn", answers the young man.
Post by: Baldesto on November 09, 2007, 12:24:09 pm
He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
The Doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, he rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this... still in the CRATE!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 09, 2007, 12:25:10 pm
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby volunteer Fire Department from a few towns over, composed mainly of over 65's.
To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these old boys, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant… and drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed.
Within a short time, the old boys had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly fire-fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the fire chief, "the first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that fucking truck!!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 09, 2007, 12:26:15 pm
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink up, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"
Post by: Pyromanik on November 09, 2007, 01:41:21 pm
Quote from: Who_ate_my_rice;586633
There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three
men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, When
suddenly the Irishman cried out
'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself,
sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! you!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to
give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his
table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be
Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint
of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Kiwi calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a Lion
Red for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
'Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for
years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the
Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in
shock.
'By jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
completely gone. It's a Miracle!'
Jesus then approaches the Kiwi, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Kiwi whispers.
'Back off mate, I'm on ACC'
The kiwi would have been safe. Jesus would have added the arthritis and migrane to whatever he had already for lion red ><
Post by: Lone-Star on November 09, 2007, 10:11:43 pm
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o’clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Post by: qwerty4me on November 10, 2007, 10:27:44 am
Francis
FRANCE IS NEXT TO GERMANY HAHAAHAAHAAAAAAAAA
Post by: qwerty4me on November 10, 2007, 03:15:52 pm
Post by: private_hell on November 10, 2007, 05:54:20 pm
Post by: qwerty4me on November 10, 2007, 06:08:59 pm
Post by: TuataraDude on November 11, 2007, 07:08:04 pm
Quote from: qwerty4me;589620
Oh cruel world, waht have I done to deserve such abuse :(
It's called Karma.
(Although probably not worth actual neg rep).
Post by: qwerty4me on November 11, 2007, 07:16:27 pm
Quote from: TuataraDude;590261
It's called Karma.
(Although probably not worth actual neg rep).
How could it be karma? Did it offend anyone? But ok, I can see people dont like it... I'll shut up now.
Thanks to the people who gave me positive rep back :)
EDIT: To avoid double post...
(http://img2.putfile.com/main/11/31423160516.jpg)
I yellowed out peoples names, just in case they didn't want people to know they repped me.
Post by: ThaFleastyler on November 12, 2007, 03:37:39 pm
Quote
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she pick ed out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Post by: Munc_her on November 12, 2007, 10:12:26 pm
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope died.
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.!
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
IN THE FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO MARRY, SOMEBODY PLEASE WARN THE POPE.
Post by: detonator7 on November 15, 2007, 04:30:42 pm
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
Post by: Baldesto on November 16, 2007, 09:03:42 am
--
Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 16, 2007, 09:04:37 am
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the big bad wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!!
So the straw pig and the stick Pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up the wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and blew the wolfs head off. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry butt into the creek then got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the heck were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... The Guinea Pigs. "Gotta love those Italians."
Post by: Baldesto on November 16, 2007, 09:06:01 am
"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch." The guy perks up a bit at this.
"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "You need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch penis before and you decide to go for a nine inch penis now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife
The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the chap. "And has she helped you to make the decision?" "Yes, she has" he says. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having a new kitchen," replies the man.
Post by: Baldesto on November 16, 2007, 09:06:57 am
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 16, 2007, 09:07:49 am
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
Post by: Baldesto on November 16, 2007, 09:08:23 am
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar was a skinny little guy who was very, VERY drunk. The guy slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"
The bartender, a close friend of the guy, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again he slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a nudder drink!"
The bartender finally approached his friend and said, "Listen my friend, I know it's your business if you want to buy that lady a drink, but how come you keep calling her a Ballerina?""To me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high, got to be a Ballerina!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 23, 2007, 01:21:12 pm
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke... "I'm just a really bad conductor."
Post by: Baldesto on November 23, 2007, 01:21:42 pm
--
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."
Post by: Baldesto on November 23, 2007, 03:20:19 pm
A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 23, 2007, 03:24:48 pm
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the guy says. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Post by: henno on November 27, 2007, 09:25:59 am
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Post by: Baldesto on November 30, 2007, 08:07:24 am
--
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 30, 2007, 08:08:41 am
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Post by: Baldesto on November 30, 2007, 08:09:13 am
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed says "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'"
"Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not!" "Now look at my sign!"
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 30, 2007, 08:14:47 am
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."
Post by: Baldesto on November 30, 2007, 08:22:00 am
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Post by: Xt1ncT on November 30, 2007, 09:37:18 am
Quote from: Baldesto;603803
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.Gold, pure gold.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."
Post by: Raped_ByA_Spoon on December 04, 2007, 05:12:18 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;603800
A guy goes to the pharmacy and he says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter". The chemist says "Your daughter sexually active at age 11?". "No," he says "she just lies there like her mother".
!"
Cringe
Post by: KITTY on December 05, 2007, 10:21:55 pm
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are
there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea.
"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister
in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have
a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in
the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have
a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Post by: henno on December 11, 2007, 03:30:23 pm
He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.'
Post by: Baldesto on December 14, 2007, 08:36:52 am
Post by: Baldesto on December 14, 2007, 08:40:55 am
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
Post by: Lone-Star on December 21, 2007, 09:41:05 am
Princess Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly
tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were
finally over and they retired to their room, she fell on the bed and
said, 'Charles, darling, please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me
!' The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with
vigor, but it would not budge. 'Harder!' yelled Camilla. 'Harder!'
Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!' 'Come on!
Give it all you've got!' she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles
let out a big groan. Camilla exclaimed, 'There! Oh, God, that feels so
good!' In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
See? I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!'
Now back to Camilla and Charles:
As Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, God, darling!
This one's even tighter!'
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'that's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a navy man!!!
Post by: Baldesto on December 21, 2007, 10:57:16 am
Post by: Baffled on December 21, 2007, 11:51:52 am
Quote from: Baldesto;618586
to the half assed cunt who neg repped my joke/s ,thats fine, this will be my last post in this shithole.
Nooooo... I give your pos rep long time... keep posting this thread is good!
Post by: Chronic on December 21, 2007, 05:31:42 pm
Post by: TuataraDude on December 21, 2007, 05:52:18 pm
"I used a curse word Mother Superior" she confesses.
"Sit down dear and tell me all about it".
They sit down and the young nun begins.
"Well, yesterday I played golf. I lined up my tee shot on the first hole. I hit it well and it went sailing through the air. After a short ways through the air, it started to veer right and ended up landing in the trees".
The Mother Superior leans forward and says "Is that when you cursed?"
"Oh no. I grabbed my pitching wedge and hit the ball out of the rough. It went round the trees and landed right in front of the green, in the middle of a bunker."
The Mother Superior leans forward and says "Is that when you cursed?"
"Oh no" the young nun replies. "I pulled out my sand wedge and chipped the ball out and it ended up four inches from the hole".
The Mother Superior leans forward and says "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
PS Keep 'em coming Baldy.
Post by: Baldesto on January 18, 2008, 08:59:24 am
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony... he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Post by: Baldesto on January 18, 2008, 09:00:49 am
Kevin Rudd was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, Kevin Rudd stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." Kevin Rudd asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" Kevin Rudd said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
Post by: Baldesto on January 18, 2008, 09:01:31 am
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and... what happened?!". To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
Post by: Baldesto on January 18, 2008, 09:02:20 am
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it -just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 18, 2008, 09:05:19 am
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Post by: Aezra on January 19, 2008, 02:28:46 pm
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and startspanicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue businesssuit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup ofcoffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seatand makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of theboy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then everso firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up thenickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the fatherand walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the fatherrushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seenanybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied . . . "Divorce attorney".
Post by: Spork on January 20, 2008, 04:11:24 pm
"I'd never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug. "
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.
What a bitch...
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on January 22, 2008, 01:49:41 pm
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
---------------------------------
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about 'Oral Sex':
a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.
Post by: nzallmenace on January 23, 2008, 12:31:35 am
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
x0x0x0x0
p.s. your girlfriend called
Post by: MrBurNZ on January 23, 2008, 08:51:42 am
edit: found it
(http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/7985/car20wreckpreviewaj1.jpg)
Post by: Baffled on January 23, 2008, 10:47:57 am
Quote from: U|traburN;640376
There is normally a Pic attached of a pickup stacked neatly on a Ferrari or something. Brutal.
edit: found it
([url]http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/7985/car20wreckpreviewaj1.jpg[/url])
How in the hell does that happen? O_o
Post by: MrBurNZ on January 23, 2008, 11:42:38 am
Post by: Anaraith on January 26, 2008, 03:11:59 am
'Daddy, how was I born?' The father
answers: 'Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!
Post by: Spork on January 26, 2008, 03:13:07 am
[/thread]
Post by: Baldesto on January 29, 2008, 02:34:13 pm
Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Post by: Goldo on January 29, 2008, 03:23:22 pm
Post by: Slim on January 29, 2008, 08:01:24 pm
Post by: Baldesto on January 31, 2008, 08:17:28 am
Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"
I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."
Post by: ladyhawk on January 31, 2008, 10:44:54 pm
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied. "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is
coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Post by: Baldesto on February 01, 2008, 08:25:06 am
RULE ONE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.
RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.
RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.
Post by: TuataraDude on February 01, 2008, 08:41:43 am
Quote from: Baldesto;647396
A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER
Have to spread it around blah, blah. Nice post.
Post by: Aezra on February 04, 2008, 08:52:46 am
Making conversation, the girl says "I'm here to give blood. What are you here for?"
The guy says "I'm actually here to donate sperm. They give me eighty dollars for it."
The girl goes, "Huh. I only get ten dollars for giving plasma." They get off the elevators on their respective floors.
The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to go give sperm again. Lo and behold, the same girl gets on. "Nice to see you again. What floor, miss?"
"Mmmmph!", she says, and holds up three fingers.
Post by: detonator7 on February 04, 2008, 12:52:58 pm
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train.but I want you to use nice language!"
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!"
She heard her little darling continue. "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Post by: Tomb~Girl on February 06, 2008, 05:07:35 pm
(http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b68/thR_peter_panzer/Far-Side-Comics-the-far-side-155298.jpg)
(http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b68/thR_peter_panzer/Far-Side-Comics-the-far-side-155310.jpg)
(http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b68/thR_peter_panzer/Far-Side-Comics-the-far-side-155322.gif)
(http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b68/thR_peter_panzer/LarsonTarzan.jpg)
(http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b68/thR_peter_panzer/Far-Side-Comics-the-far-side-155415.jpg)
Post by: liquidpain on February 06, 2008, 09:22:01 pm
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.
Post by: liquidpain on February 06, 2008, 09:26:04 pm
a bra and jumper leads walk up to the bar and ask for a pint of beer, the barman turns around and says i cant serve you guys, they ask why, the barman says first all you are off your tits and you look like you're about to start something
Post by: SonOfBin2000 on February 11, 2008, 07:42:52 pm
he has all ways been addicted to crack
Post by: Raptor on February 11, 2008, 08:59:22 pm
Running into a brick wall with an erection and your nose breaking first.
Post by: SonOfBin2000 on February 11, 2008, 09:01:18 pm
Post by: Raptor on February 11, 2008, 09:05:51 pm
Quote from: SonOfBin2000;654654
Lol nice man
Thanks.
Your in bed, your alone,
You hear a noise,
You go downstairs,
Its dark,
Your TV's floating in the air,
What do you say?.................
.......
Drop it Niggah!
You hear a noise,
You go downstairs,
Its dark,
Your TV's floating in the air,
What do you say?.................
.......
Drop it Niggah!
(Not trying to be raciest or anything)
Post by: SonOfBin2000 on February 11, 2008, 09:18:02 pm
Post by: henno on February 12, 2008, 09:49:20 am
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the POMS, in the weeks that followed, Australian
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found
traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep
as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country
Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone
wireless."
Post by: Spork on February 12, 2008, 02:42:46 pm
Quote from: Raptor;654657
Thanks.Your in bed, your alone,
You hear a noise,
You go downstairs,
Its dark,
Your TV's floating in the air,
What do you say?.................
.......
Drop it Niggah!
(Not trying to be raciest or anything)
I dont see how anyone could ever possibly see that as racist at all my good man! As that joke definitely does not suggest that any race would be more likely to break into a house than any others, would it?
Post by: liquidpain on February 12, 2008, 08:37:23 pm
=====================================================
Little known fact about Christmas..
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a shot of whiskey. Then he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
==============================================
Pizza...
John ordered a pizza and the waitress asked:
- Should I cut it in six or twelve pieces?
- Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
=======================================
Sex is like programing...
One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE......
=============================================
Young man from big town went for vacation to village... Later he met a girl and they went out for date. Suddenly girl asked him a question:
- John, I heard this interesting word, not sure what it means?... It is penis...
- Oh... let me show you, and he unzip his pants
- Aaahhh, I see, it is same as dick but much smaller...
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 14, 2008, 03:08:00 pm
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last fucking white man to be called
Winston!'
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law About 2.3 pounds including the
urn.
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true
what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her
purse.
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but
when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I
was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that
I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'
Post by: Raptor on February 15, 2008, 10:39:57 pm
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
Post by: Baldesto on February 15, 2008, 10:48:47 pm
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Post by: Raptor on February 15, 2008, 10:48:49 pm
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''
Post by: Baldesto on February 15, 2008, 10:49:45 pm
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 18, 2008, 10:27:00 am
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football.."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
And accidentally POOPS in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 18, 2008, 10:30:21 am
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.
"Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head.
The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle!"
Post by: Spork on February 21, 2008, 01:36:43 am
"Bison."
what did the eskimo say when it turned out he'd been right all along?
INUIT!!
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind."
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
You can tune a piano but you cant tuna fish
a piece of string walks in to a bar and asks for a pint, the barman says are you a piece of string?, the string says, im a frayed knot.
A man walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder. The bartender says "That's a nice lookin' lizard you got there, what's its name?"
The guy replies, "Tiny."
"Tiny?" asks the bartender. "Why would you name him that?"
"Because he's my newt."
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Post by: cnvrt02 on February 21, 2008, 12:59:12 pm
Quote from: Spork;661944
What did the Ox say to her child when she sent him to school?
"Bison."
what did the eskimo say when it turned out he'd been right all along?
INUIT!!
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind."
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
You can tune a piano but you cant tuna fish
a piece of string walks in to a bar and asks for a pint, the barman says are you a piece of string?, the string says, im a frayed knot.
A man walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder. The bartender says "That's a nice lookin' lizard you got there, what's its name?"
The guy replies, "Tiny."
"Tiny?" asks the bartender. "Why would you name him that?"
"Because he's my newt."
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Dry, but somehow still funny :P
Post by: Baldesto on February 22, 2008, 08:09:07 am
--
No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. "Find a girl just like your mother - then, she's bound to like her!" So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser: "Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like my mother; and just as you said, my mother liked her". "So," asked the friend, "what happened?" "Nothing," said the young man. "My dad hates her."
Post by: Baldesto on February 22, 2008, 08:12:19 am
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Post by: Baldesto on February 22, 2008, 08:19:06 am
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
Post by: Baldesto on February 22, 2008, 08:19:51 am
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 22, 2008, 04:02:04 pm
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that b l o w j o b I promised you?
Here it comes!'
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 22, 2008, 05:51:48 pm
She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? "
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
Post by: henno on February 25, 2008, 01:15:07 pm
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 26, 2008, 09:57:51 am
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! '
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 26, 2008, 09:58:28 am
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 26, 2008, 11:48:00 am
1. WIFEY
2. Boo
3. Bitch
4. Hoe
5. Gingerbread girl
1) WIFEY's IRREPLACEABLE... and is the ONLY ONE that is irreplaceable... She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, and he never wants to see her with another man... But ... He MIGHT cheat on her with 'Boo', 'Bitch' or 'Hoe' until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses WIFEY' he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy again...
2) 'Boo' IS replaceable, she thinks she's WIFEY'but will NEVER be WIFEY' because WIFEY' was made irreplaceable.. She can NEVER replace her... 'Boo' tries to take WIFEY' spot, and once she attempts this, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of WIFEY' spot... but she will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few weeks, then the man goes back to WIFEY'... And 'Boo' either gets replaced with another 'Boo', OR, the man matures and decides that WIFEY' is the one for him... (Ladies... you don't want to be 'Boo')
3) 'Bitch'... A female that a male uses only for sex or any other nasty sexually related events... The 'Bitch' is only called when WIFEY' is acting up OR if he needs to bust a quick nut. The 'Bitch' is always the first one running there...
4) 'Hoe'... Enough said! Always trying to move up in life, Wants to be a 'Bitch' or a 'Boo'. Hoes are the girls you bag for no reason and have them in your phone. Backups incase a 'Bitch' or a 'Boo' slips up. Then you replace them with a 'Hoe'...
5) 'Gingerbread girl'... Catch me if you can, this one never gives her heart up. She may like a bit of fun now and then, but will never be truly yours. Bit like winning the lotto if you can even get her to consider making a life with you.'Gingerbread girl' treats every guy like a fox put her on your nose from drowning but if you slip up she gone drown your ass... so keep your whitts about you guys and if she's your WIFEY' and your in doubt if she gonna leave you, she probable already has either emotionally or physically...
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 27, 2008, 10:54:57 am
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!"
6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
Post by: qwerty4me on February 27, 2008, 04:33:52 pm
The opposte of excrement.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 28, 2008, 12:46:41 pm
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut the f**k up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
Post by: henno on February 28, 2008, 01:58:11 pm
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Post by: Baldesto on February 29, 2008, 07:26:43 am
SCENARIO: Jack starts a fight with John at school.
THEN: A large group of boys form around the two, they beat the shit out of each other, they shake hands and the next day they are best mates.
NOW: The police are called. They arrest John and Jack. All cellular phones with videos of the fight are confiscated as evidence. Both are charged with assault. Both are suspended, even though Jack started the fight. The parents are summoned for consultation and the other children who saw the fight get trauma counselling. The video of the fight is available on YouTube.
SCENARIO: Jack disrupts the class because he cannot sit down and shut up.
THEN: Jack gets a hiding. He can still not sit down because his arse got a spanking, but he shuts up, finishes school and becomes a successful businessman.
NOW: Jack is is tested for ADD then put on Ritalin because he is hyperactive. He becomes a zombie. Jack cannot cope and leaves school in the 8th grade.
SCENARIO: Jack throws a stone and breaks a neighbour's window.
THEN: Jack gets a spanking. He has to work in the neighbour's garden for a week and get a job to pay for the window.
NOW: Jack gets a spanking. His father is arrested for child abuse. Jack is placed in foster-care. The psychiatrist convinces Jack's sister that her father sexually abused her and their father goes to jail. Jack's parents get divorced because the psychiatrist fucks Jack's mother.
SCENARIO: Jack fails English at school.
THEN: He attends extra English classes, passes school and graduates from university.
NOW: The teacher is blamed for the failure. A local human right's group takes up his case. They determine that compulsory English at school is blatant racism. It becomes a major political issue. A case is made against the school and the Department of Education. English is removed from the curriculum. Jack's passes school very well, but mows lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
SCENARIO: Jack takes firecrackers, makes a bomb and blows up an anthill.
THEN: The ant hill is fucked. Thousands of ants are killed.
NOW: The animal protection groups are called in. Jack is arrested and charged with urban terrorism and cruelty to animals. His parents are placed under surveillance. Jack's younger brothers and sisters are taken away from home. Their computers are confiscated. Jack's father is placed on a list of terrorists. He is fired and cannot get another job. The family starves.
SCENARIO: Jack falls and scuffs his knee during break. His teacher dries his tears, cleans the knee and gives him a hug.
THEN: Jack soon feels better and by second break he is running around again.
NOW: Jack's teacher is accused of being a paedophile. She loses her job. She receives a suspended sentence. Jack receives therapy for five years and becomes a faggot.
Post by: Baldesto on February 29, 2008, 07:27:40 am
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.... " Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 29, 2008, 12:22:47 pm
Post by: Crazy_Whitey on March 03, 2008, 01:41:03 am
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2008, 08:32:54 am
Post by: Crazy_Whitey on March 03, 2008, 01:52:44 pm
Post by: st3r on March 03, 2008, 02:18:33 pm
Suck its dick.
Post by: loitech on March 04, 2008, 12:59:14 am
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a> surrogate> father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,> Mr.> Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man> should> be here soon.'>> >> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,> Ma'am',> he said, 'I've come to...'>> >> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been> expecting you.'>> >> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you> know> babies are my specialty?'>> >> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have> a> seat'.>> >> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'>> >> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room> floor> is fun. You can really spread out there.'>> >> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry> and> me!'>> >> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if> we> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,> I'm> sure you'll be pleased with the results.'>> >> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be> In> and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'>> >> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.>> >> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of> his> baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.>> >> 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.>> >> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider> their> mother was so difficult to work with.'>> >> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the> job> done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good> look'>> >> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.>> >> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.> The> mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly> concentrate,> and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'>> >> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,> uh...equipment?'>> >> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod> and> we can get to work right away.'>> >> 'Tripod?'>> >> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much> too> big to be held in the hand very long.'>> >> Mrs. Smith fainted
Post by: cnvrt02 on March 04, 2008, 02:35:05 am
Quote from: loitech;669351
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a> surrogate> father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,> Mr.> Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man> should> be here soon.'>> >> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,> Ma'am',> he said, 'I've come to...'>> >> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been> expecting you.'>> >> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you> know> babies are my specialty?'>> >> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have> a> seat'.>> >> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'>> >> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room> floor> is fun. You can really spread out there.'>> >> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry> and> me!'>> >> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if> we> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,> I'm> sure you'll be pleased with the results.'>> >> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be> In> and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'>> >> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.>> >> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of> his> baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.>> >> 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.>> >> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider> their> mother was so difficult to work with.'>> >> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the> job> done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good> look'>> >> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.>> >> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.> The> mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly> concentrate,> and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'>> >> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,> uh...equipment?'>> >> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod> and> we can get to work right away.'>> >> 'Tripod?'>> >> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much> too> big to be held in the hand very long.'>> >> Mrs. Smith fainted
need to tidy it up, worth the read tho.
Post by: Zarkov on March 04, 2008, 06:19:06 am
Quote from: Crazy_Whitey;668730
Yea theres too many wankers on these forums, hence why I rarely post
Good idea.
Keep the numbers down.
Post by: TuataraDude on March 05, 2008, 07:58:54 am
Things go well, despite Eve being curious about not being allowed to swim in the stream. One day Adam says to Eve, "I'm curious as to what I will find over in the next valley. I'm going to go and have a look, want to come along?"
"No thanks, I'll stay here" she replies.
Adam takes off. After about an hour, Eve figures he will be some time and decides to find out what the fuss about the stream is. She jumps in and swims around. The water is cool, but not cold. It is refreshing and she wonders why she didn't do this earlier.
Suddenly, dark clouds appear above her. A giant hand comes out and points at her.
"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT!" says God in a deep, booming voice.
"Why not?" asks Eve.
"NOW ALL FISH WILL SMELL THAT WAY".
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on March 06, 2008, 04:06:59 pm
This
really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!
Post by: Hads on March 07, 2008, 11:40:47 am
Osama: "Yes God"
God: "Osama.. did you hear about the tsunami?"
Oasama: "Yes"
God "Beat that you prick.."
Post by: st3r on March 12, 2008, 12:54:27 pm
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.
Post by: SpineSnapper on March 14, 2008, 02:57:57 am
I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.
Post by: ChoppyNZ on March 14, 2008, 07:32:56 am
Quote from: SpineSnapper;676069
This one had me laughing for a while.
I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.
heck...
tryed to get a bj while driving, i got a slap... tru story
Post by: Pyromanik on March 14, 2008, 12:31:58 pm
Didn't work too well, concentrating too much on driving tbh.
Post by: Ngati_Grim on March 14, 2008, 02:20:57 pm
^^my piece of string just keeps on going :sly:
Post by: detonator7 on March 16, 2008, 12:27:28 pm
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
At WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle
At PRISON
You get three meals a day, fully paid for
At WORK
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
At PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
At WORK
For good behavior, you get more work
At PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
At WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself
At PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
At WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
At PRISON
You get your own toilet
At WORK
You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat
At PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
At WORK
You aren’t even supposed to speak to your family
At PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
At WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
At PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
At WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
At PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
At WORK
They are called ‘managers’
Post by: Hopeless on March 17, 2008, 12:51:48 pm
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 21, 2008, 08:08:06 am
--
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds, they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
Post by: RushinG. on March 24, 2008, 01:57:23 am
coz niggaz don't have any rights. :rasb:
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on March 27, 2008, 04:06:22 pm
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Post by: Pagan on March 27, 2008, 05:44:52 pm
------------------------------------------------------
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"Aim towards the Enemy."
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -
USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject....
directly over the area you just bombed." -
U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously
never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you Panic.
The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and
don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
Joe Gay
-----------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. for I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism:
There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- >From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition....
the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, . The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline aviation:
now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck;
two in a row is all luck;
three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag
for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world...
it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't...
flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing,
fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:
"Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by....
the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked ...
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Post by: liquidpain on March 27, 2008, 10:45:10 pm
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
Post by: liquidpain on March 27, 2008, 11:06:40 pm
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Post by: DDM on March 28, 2008, 01:10:16 pm
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer
Post by: Baldesto on April 04, 2008, 01:21:13 pm
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
The farmer replied, "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."
"I can't print that!" said the reporter, "is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."
Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked the farmer, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"
The farmer hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once..."
Post by: Baldesto on April 04, 2008, 01:22:01 pm
The first question was, "How many grains of sand are on all the world's beaches?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a paper airplane flew across the room. "Okay," said the exasperated teacher, "who's the comedian with the paper airplane?" No one knew, not even little Billy.
On Thursday, the question was, "How many stars are there in the Milky Way?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a gigantic, phlegm soaked spit wad embedded itself on the blackboard behind the teacher. "Okay," exclaimed the frustrated teacher, "who's the comedian with the spit wad?" No one knew, not even little Billy.
On Friday, little Billy brought to school with him two, large, black bowling balls and hid them under his desk. At the precise moment before the teacher asked the day's trivia question, Billy rolled the two bowling balls down the aisle and they struck the wall behind the teacher with a massive jolt. "Okay," huffed the now infuriated teacher, "who's the comedian with the big black balls?" Little Billy answered quickly,
"Eddie Murphy, see you next Tuesday."
Post by: Baldesto on April 04, 2008, 01:23:15 pm
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what -
metal, wood, stone - everything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. The third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??
Post by: Baldesto on April 04, 2008, 01:23:46 pm
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And always remember this" she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her lovely soft voice. "Makes your dick look bigger."
Post by: Baldesto on April 04, 2008, 01:24:56 pm
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their beautiful boobies almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store.
You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.
On the way, they start kissing each other... then one of them turns to you to perform something nasty... while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen March 24th, 25th, 26th, twice on the 28th, on the 29th, 30th, April 1st, 2nd today and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets!
Just a friendly warning.
Post by: Baldesto on April 04, 2008, 01:25:31 pm
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."
Post by: Baldesto on April 04, 2008, 01:28:38 pm
--
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guy's wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewellery from the girl. When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?" "No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you." "Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too." "I slipped it into my... a... my... um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly. "Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"
Post by: Baffled on April 04, 2008, 06:08:27 pm
Heather
If you still dont get it...
Watch the news....
And for those that still dont get it...
Mills
And for swindle....
Give up bro :P
Post by: bsmurf11 on April 04, 2008, 07:39:24 pm
He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day".
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy and you can make me happy."
The blonde nodded "Yes" through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food.
From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile," (she says coyly), "he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink).
"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said, "this is the Picton ferry."
Post by: liquidpain on April 06, 2008, 12:40:53 am
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Post by: BigBoss on April 07, 2008, 09:16:48 am
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Lisa! What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it.
Post by: Pyromanik on April 07, 2008, 11:09:00 am
Quote from: liquidpain;689885
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
[video]LxoE2az9mJM[/video]
Post by: liquidpain on April 07, 2008, 02:02:57 pm
Last night,
my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens,
just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer,
and threw out my Beer.
She's such a bitch.....
Post by: liquidpain on April 07, 2008, 02:09:04 pm
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Post by: drunk.kiwi on April 07, 2008, 05:29:59 pm
assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little
bemused, explains to the
woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never
have.
The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter
that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular
basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well
that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She
smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment
please, I will get the chemist."
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you
miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the
blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the
chemist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a
normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Post by: drunk.kiwi on April 07, 2008, 05:32:14 pm
tea and having crumpets.
The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"
The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"
The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"
So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.
When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"
The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"
The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.
"What's the matter?", his friends asked.
The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Woofnstuff????????
Post by: Chilli on April 09, 2008, 06:17:37 pm
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
//
Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?
You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!
Post by: Spork on April 09, 2008, 06:18:47 pm
Quote from: Chillipepper;692732
What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
I see what you are trying to do there.
Post by: mish on April 09, 2008, 09:32:44 pm
+1.
Post by: liquidpain on April 09, 2008, 10:42:30 pm
The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day". The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain the following;
Manager :- How many days are there in a year?
Man :- 365 days and some times 366
Manager :- how many hours make up a day?
Man :- 24 hours
Manager :- How long do you work in a day?
Man 8 hours a day.
Manager :- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man :- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3
(one third))
Manager :- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man :- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager :- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man :- No sir
Manager :- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man :- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager :- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days
from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man :- 18 days.
Manager :- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove
that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man :- 4 days
Manager :- Do you work on New Year day?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- Do you come to work on labour day?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- So how many days are left?
Man :- 2 days sir!
Manager :- Do you come to work on (Independence day)?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- So how many days are left?
Man :- 1 day sir!
Manager :- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- So how many days are left?
Man :- None sir!
Manager :- So, what are you claiming?
Man :- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing
Company money all these days.
sorry if it has been posted before
Post by: kookynic on April 16, 2008, 05:35:59 pm
Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'
Post by: drunk.kiwi on April 16, 2008, 06:49:15 pm
And the most NZ thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in NZ can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in NZ do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their panadol, lemsip etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in NZ do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in NZ do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in NZ do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in NZ do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in NZ are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
1 New Zealander dies each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
42 New Zealanders were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
22 New Zealanders are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
5 New Zealanders have died since 1994 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
New Zealand Hospitals reported 2 broken or dislocated arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
Around 50 New Zealanders are burnt each year ironing their clothes while still wearing them
9 New Zealanders had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new tops with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 143 New Zealanders were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth
And finally...
In 2003---14 New Zealanders were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Post by: Chilli on April 16, 2008, 06:49:23 pm
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant!
....
Sex is like McDonalds...I’m lovin it!
Pussy is like subway...Eat Fresh!
Dick is like Gatorade...Is it in you?
This joke is like an STD...so spread it!
:lolol:
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on April 16, 2008, 11:51:54 pm
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Post by: liquidpain on April 17, 2008, 09:50:34 pm
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/oprah.jpg)
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/gw.jpg)
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/colin.jpg)
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/cooper.jpg)
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/kerry.jpg)
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/grace.jpg)
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/pat.jpg)
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Post by: liquidpain on April 17, 2008, 09:51:20 pm
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/DrSuess.jpg)
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/papa.jpg)
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/jerry.jpg)
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/burns.jpg)
Anybody's GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/babawawa.jpg)
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/lennon.jpg)
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/aristo.jpg)
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Post by: liquidpain on April 17, 2008, 09:51:55 pm
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/albert-1.jpg)
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/bill.jpg)
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/al-1.jpg)
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/col.jpg)
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/dick.jpg)
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
(http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd233/Casino923/als-1.jpg)
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Post by: Baldesto on April 18, 2008, 08:43:28 am
--
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
--
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find".
Post by: Baldesto on April 18, 2008, 08:46:55 am
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes shaking in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Post by: SteddieEddie on April 18, 2008, 09:04:34 am
Patty is a little taken back by this request but starts the proceedings.
What is your name she asks.
Kermit Jagger he replies
What do you have as security Mr Jagger she asks
This beautiful pink elephant he say's
Well Mr Jagger I'm afraid that the elephant will not do as security on a loan.
The frog then tells PAtty that he is friends with the manager and if she could go and ask him, he is sure he will OK it.
Off Patty goes to see the manager.
She says " There is a frog out there called Kermit Jagger , says he knows you and would like to take out a loan for $ 30,000. All he has for security is this pink elephant. I mean what the hell is this stupid thing.
He replies.......................................... Wait for it!!!
It's a knick knack, Patty Wack give the frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone
Post by: liquidpain on April 19, 2008, 10:40:49 pm
* Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
* When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."
* You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
* Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.
* Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.
* Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...
* Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.
* You always lose limbo contests.
* Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
* You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
* You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on April 21, 2008, 09:46:21 pm
By Brian Briggs
A recent poll showed several items that concerned parents about video games, with sex between a man and a woman topping severed heads and men kissing. Like most sensational stories about video games, the poll missed the real dangers in video games. We try to remedy that with this list of the hidden dangers of video games that parents should be concerned with:
Map Reading Skills - Everyone knows that video games increases map reading skills, but do parents know how boring a life as a cartographer is? Probably not.
Cheat Codes - Using cheat codes in games lead kids to think that they are entitled to easy solutions for all their problems. That may be good for self-help experts, but not for your kids.
Bad Hygiene - Most video game characters don't shower, shave or even change their clothes. Is it really hygienic to bathe in all that zombie blood without washing your hands?
Unlimited Ammo - Many games give the player an unlimited supply of ammunition for their weapons which leads to a distorted view of the cost of war. Killing people costs money and resources. Kids should know this, or they may have a long life of voting Republican.
Rewards for Collecting - In games you may end up with an extra life, or a new sword, but in real life you end up with shelves full of worthless knickknacks, and maxed out credit cards. Teach your children the dangers of collecting at an early age.
Protective Goggles - Doom may have had over-the-top violence, but more dangerous was that it taught our kids that using a chainsaw to dismember raging Hellbeasts without safety goggles is A-OK. Taking little Johnny to the ER with a splinter of bone in his eye isn't easy to explain. Trust me.
Slow Motion - Kids are being trained that the cools things in life will slow down for them to appreciate it. Life doesn't operate that way, and kids need to learn that or they'll miss a lot.
Severed heads and men kissing don't seem so bad now, do they?
Post by: Baltimore on April 24, 2008, 09:33:46 pm
He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Post by: Baldesto on April 25, 2008, 09:15:07 am
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maoris.
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Maoris on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Maoris don't buy a ticket at all!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. "Watch and learn bro," answers a Maori.
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Maoris leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Post by: Baldesto on April 25, 2008, 09:16:26 am
Post by: Baldesto on April 25, 2008, 09:18:29 am
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Lithgow?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow..."
Post by: Pagan on April 25, 2008, 01:27:55 pm
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on April 30, 2008, 08:15:33 pm
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me s*x. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
----------------------------------------------
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while. When he came into the house he asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mama wants to talk to you."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on April 30, 2008, 08:17:27 pm
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
51. Don't believe everything you think.
52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
Post by: Hopeless on May 02, 2008, 08:54:04 am
local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me
down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."
Post by: Hopeless on May 02, 2008, 09:00:49 am
The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"
Post by: Hopeless on May 02, 2008, 09:14:52 am
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Post by: nzjeebs on May 03, 2008, 07:08:23 pm
Mary had a little Lamb it's stash was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went they both enjoyed a blow!
Post by: Baltimore on May 06, 2008, 04:46:18 pm
Post by: liquidpain on May 06, 2008, 10:20:48 pm
Some kids were in the habit of teasing one of their group by repeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime. He always chose the nickel, "because it's bigger."
One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?"
The kid answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"
Post by: liquidpain on May 10, 2008, 08:53:43 pm
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat
Post by: liquidpain on May 10, 2008, 08:54:36 pm
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
Post by: liquidpain on May 10, 2008, 08:55:08 pm
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped the spiders flat, saying, 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden..."
Post by: liquidpain on May 10, 2008, 08:55:44 pm
"My love Benny loved to fly so I'm going to go up on a plane and scatter the ashes in the sky," then the second man said
"My Karl was a good fisherman, so I am going to scatter the ashes in our favorite lake," and then the third man said
"My Jim was such a good lover so I am going to put his ashes in a bowl of chili so he can tear up my arse one more time!"
Post by: liquidpain on May 10, 2008, 08:56:30 pm
to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch American programs on a Japanese tv and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign.
Only in britain can you get a pizza delivered to your home quicker than an ambulance.
Only in britain do banks keep both doors open but chain pens to the counter.
Only in britain do supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store for the pharmacy dept,yet healthy people get their cigarettes at the front.
We may be British but by fxxk are we funny.
Post by: liquidpain on May 10, 2008, 08:57:56 pm
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
Post by: Baltimore on May 13, 2008, 05:07:59 am
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Post by: steve81 on May 13, 2008, 07:45:50 am
"Hey I'm going hunting in the morning" Says the man.
"I will come along" Says the suspicious wife.
"Uh, Ok. But I leave very early in the morning. Are you sure you want to come" Asks the man.
"Yes"She says
"Ok then but if you pike out then you must either let me have anal sex with you or else give me a Blow Job" He says.
The man has never tasted either of these pleasures and they agree to the deal.
4.00am rolls around.
"wake up dear" Says the man.
"Ugh, I'm too tired you can go with out me" She mumbles.
"Ok, but you know the deal" He says.
She gives him a blow job.
Upon finishing she says"That tasted like shit".
The man replies "Yeah, The dog didn't want to come either"!!!!
Post by: DeeVeeOss on May 14, 2008, 08:15:41 am
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Post by: [rEc] NONAME on May 14, 2008, 10:02:05 am
----------------------------------------
LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on May 19, 2008, 11:57:30 am
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to
Hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,? but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
12. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
13. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
Post by: Lone-Star on May 20, 2008, 08:15:48 pm
I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan, and when I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked me if I could fly a plane or drive a truck..
Post by: henno on May 21, 2008, 12:52:46 pm
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt
Post by: Xt1ncT on May 21, 2008, 01:14:53 pm
A couple of years back, Inverness Caledonian Thistle played celtic in the Scottish Cup - "Callie" as they are known were vack then a club from the lower leagues in Scotland and managed to pull off a huge upset by beating Celtic.
One of the Scottish papers covering the game came up with this:
"Super Cally Go Balistic Celtic Are Atrocious" :rnr:
Always makes me laugh.
Post by: Baltimore on May 22, 2008, 08:42:02 am
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!? With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!? It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!? But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Post by: MemNocH on May 22, 2008, 09:46:45 am
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. ; "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the hors e's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Post by: liquidpain on May 23, 2008, 05:15:34 pm
tuner, right 1 volume.
Man:Can I try?(touches the breats)-no sound.
Girl:U havent plugged in yet!
Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your
breasts, than I can always look at them.
Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged
Q:Who is stronger, Man Or Woman?
:A woman bcos she lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2
stones with the help of a crane.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!?
Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
Post by: liquidpain on May 23, 2008, 05:16:20 pm
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.' 'Social Security sex?' 'Yeah, you know-I get a little
each month, but not enough to live on
II -----LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting
yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'It wakes me up!'
III -----QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She
looked at him casually and replied, 'You're never home!'
IV -----CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,' $6,500 for
'medium,' and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what
have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen'.
V ------WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'
VI ---NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
VII ---- OLD SEX
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted livingapartment...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She said coolly, 'Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex.....he could fly.'
Post by: liquidpain on May 23, 2008, 05:16:53 pm
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT !!!
=================================
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
So what about it
Moshe was talking to his friend, who was a Marketing Manager.
“Benny,” says Moshe, “what’s the difference between marketing and advertising? I’ve always wanted to know.”
“Well,” replies Benny, “suppose you’re at a party and you see a gorgeous lady across the room. Well, there are a number of things that could happen.
1. You could go over to her and say, ‘Hi, I’m great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s DIRECT MARKETING.
2. You could give your best friend £10 so he goes over to her and says, ‘Hello, see my friend over there? He’s great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s ADVERTISING.
3. She could come over to you and say, ‘Hello, I’ve heard you’re great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s BRAND RECOGNITION.
4. You could go over to her and get her telephone number. Then next day you could call her and say, ‘Hello, I’m great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s TELEMARKETING.
5. You could walk over to her, pour her a drink and say, 'May I?' You could then reach up to straighten her hair, at the same time brushing your groin against her leg, and say, 'Hello, I'm great in bed, so what about it?’
That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.
6. You could talk her into going home with your friend.
That's a SALES REP.
7. Your friend might not be able to satisfy her and so she could then text you.
That's TECH SUPPORT.
8. You could leave the party and on your way home realize that there are probably many beautiful women in the houses you're passing. So you could shout out at the top of your voice, 'I'm great in bed.'
That's JUNK MAIL.
“Thanks, now I understand,” says Moshe.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on May 27, 2008, 03:19:05 pm
> Female customer: A white one...
> ===============
> Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
> Customer: No , wait a minute.... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
> on my desk... Sorry....
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
> screen.
> Customer: Your left or my left?
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and..
> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
> Gates.
> ===============
>
> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
> I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
> placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
> find it...
> ============== =
>
> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
> Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
> ===============
> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
> ===============
>
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> Customer:! OK
> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
> Customer: Yes
> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
> another keyboard?
> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
> capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
> == =============
>
> Customer: can't get on the Internet.
> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
> Customer: Five stars.
> ===============
>
> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
> Customer: Netscape.
> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
> ===============
>
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
> my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
> ===============
>
> Tech support: How may I help you?
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
> the circle around it?
> ===============
>
> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
> printer.
> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
> Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
> The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
> printer is working fine.'
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on May 27, 2008, 03:19:40 pm
Your Labour Government has just announced tax cuts in the Budget.
If we spend that money at The Warehouse, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs; if we purchase a
computer it will go to Taiwan; if we buy a camera it will go to Japan;
if you fancy a Plasma TV it will end up in Korea; a cell-phone helps
Finland and Korea and if you spend it on furniture it will go to Malaysia.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
Peru, Thailand and Guatemala and Australia.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to China and none of it will
help the N.Z. economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on beer, sex
and illegal drugs these are the only products still produced in our dear
country.
Thank you for your help.
-A concerned Citizen.
Post by: Captain.Keyes on May 27, 2008, 06:47:15 pm
Two blondes walk into a bar - you would have thought one would have seen it
A blonde wants to buy a TV, so goes to 100%.
The man at the till says he won't sell it to a blonde
The blonde dies her hair red that night and goes back.
"sorry i won't it sell to blondes" says the man.
The blkonde dies her hair brown and goes back to 100% - but again the man says he won't sell to blondes.
She dies her hair black that night and goes back
"sorry, i can't sell that TV to blondes" says the man
Exasperated the blonde says"my hair hasn't been blonde for three days, how did you know that i'm a blonde?"
The man- "it's not a TV, it's a Microwave"
Post by: DRFT10 on June 10, 2008, 03:25:53 pm
no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it..
So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.
The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
”My friend, you have not worked here for even one day”. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain the following;
Manager :- How many days are there in a year?
Man :- 365 days and some times 366
Manager :- how many hours make up a day?
Man :- 24 hours
Manager :- How long do you work in a day?
Man 8 hours a day.
Manager :- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man :- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3
(one third))
Manager :- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man :- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager :- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man :- No sir
Manager :- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man :- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager :- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days
from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man :- 18 days.
Manager :- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove
that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man :- 4 days
Manager :- Do you work on New Year day?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- Do you come to work on labour day?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- So how many days are left?
Man :- 2 days sir!
Manager :- Do you come to work on (Independence day)?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- So how many days are left?
Man :- 1 day sir!
Manager :- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man :- No sir!
Manager :- So how many days are left?
Man :- None sir!
Manager :- So, what are you claiming?
Man :- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing
Company money all these days.
Post by: KITTY on June 11, 2008, 08:28:15 pm
The Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron shirts better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am better in bed than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!!
Post by: Spork on June 19, 2008, 01:13:38 am
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"
A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?
Post by: Baltimore on June 20, 2008, 06:40:01 am
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, 'Maude... Maude ... '
'Is that you, John?' she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
The voice responded, 'Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed.'
'What's it like, John?' Maude asked.
John said, 'Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, John,' Maude said, 'then surely you must be in heaven!'
'Not exactly,' John said. 'I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo.'
Post by: liquidpain on June 21, 2008, 04:34:03 pm
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
Post by: liquidpain on June 21, 2008, 04:35:30 pm
--------------------------------------------
A "city-boy" ventured out and bought himself a farm-house. He needed some animals for the farm and inquired at the neighbor's place. The old farmer agreed to sell some animals and the two walked through the yard.
The city-boy pointed and asked, "What kind of animal is that?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that is a cock, which you city folks call a rooster."
"Ok, I'll take one of them," said the city boy. He pointed to another animal, and the farmer told him, "That one is a pullet, or what you call a chicken."
"I'll take it," said the city boy.
"You will also need a hard working animal to help you with the chores, so I'll sell you this ass, or mule."
The city-boy agreed.
"The mule might give you problems being stubborn 'n all and lie down on you," informed the farmer. "If you scratch his belly really good, he'll get up."
As the city-boy is heading home, a beautiful girl is approaching. All of a sudden, the mule lies down and refuses to move. The girl hurries over and asks if she can help.
"Yeah," exclaimed the city-boy, "You can grab my cock & pullet while I reach around and scratch my ass."
--------------------------------------------
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
--------------------------------------------
A Duck Walks Into A Bar...
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Post by: Aezra on June 22, 2008, 05:11:35 pm
The next morning, Tom got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Tom is not yet well enough to have visitors.
Post by: detonator7 on June 22, 2008, 09:34:37 pm
Scenario #1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark… Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario #2: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal… Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin… Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario #3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse… Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang… State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison… Billy’s Mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario #4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations… Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario #5: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher… English banned from core curriculum… Pedro given diploma anyway… but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario #6: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home… computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario #7: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary… Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Post by: SittingDuck on June 22, 2008, 10:16:47 pm
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Post by: SittingDuck on June 22, 2008, 10:17:36 pm
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Post by: Aezra on June 23, 2008, 01:04:23 pm
---------------------------------------------
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
---------------------------------------------
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Post by: Aezra on June 25, 2008, 04:24:10 am
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it quickly.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these market survey numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on June 27, 2008, 10:45:00 am
The Auckland Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for
a new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again.
One scout Informs him of a talented young Iraqi winger.
The coach flies to Iraqto watch him,is suitably impressed and arranges
for him to come over to play for the Blues.
Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders with
only 20 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on.
The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins the Game
for the Blues.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic, and the
media love the new star.
When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his
first day playing rugby for the Blues.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I Played for 20 minutes today, we were
30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day".
"Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and
beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you
were having a great time.
The young lad is very upset. What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry.
"Sorry?!" says his Mum "Its your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the first place!"
Post by: Aezra on June 27, 2008, 12:37:09 pm
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
Post by: liquidpain on June 29, 2008, 10:19:40 pm
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here.
" The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that
the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ...
that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on June 30, 2008, 05:55:05 pm
A. Society.
Q. What does a South Auckland girl use as protection during sex?
A. A Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a South Auckland Boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the South Auckland guy cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a South Auckland girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from South Auckland on a bike,
why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a South Auckland quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two South Auckland Blokes in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The police!
Q. What do you say to a South Auckland person with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.
Q. What's the difference between a South Auckland boy and a South
Auckland girl?
A. A South Auckland girl has a higher sperm count
Post by: Pyromanik on July 01, 2008, 09:25:57 am
Quote from: Who_ate_my_rice;746319
Q. What's the difference between a South Auckland boy and a South
Auckland girl?
A. A South Auckland girl has a higher sperm count
LMFAO
What does a young South Auckland Girl say after sex?
AWWW get ooff me uncle, yer squashin me smokes!
Post by: MemNocH on July 01, 2008, 09:35:23 am
Quote from: Pyromanik;746695
LMFAO
What does a young South Auckland Girl say after sex?
AWWW get ooff me uncle, yer squashin me smokes!
Now that was sad.. sorry dude.. but it was..
Post by: Pyromanik on July 01, 2008, 09:44:26 am
post a joke or GTFO.
What's the difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?
One mucks around the fountain.
Post by: Steady on July 01, 2008, 03:14:34 pm
Quote from: MemNocH;746699
Now that was sad.. sorry dude.. but it was..
Fail at joke thread.^^
There are three Australians sitting at the bar, having a few drinks when one of them spots a kiwi wearing an all blacks jersey.
"Watch this boys I'll show you how to wind up kiwis", one of them says.
So he goes over and says to the kiwi and says "I heard Dan Carter was gay, mate. He takes it up the arse."
"Oh, I didn't know that", the kiwi says, "But I suppose it's a free world"
So the Aussie goes back to his mates and says "For fucks sake he didnt even bite!"
"I'll show you how to do it, mate" says the second one.
So he goes up to the kiwi and says "Did you know Dan Carter wears womens dresses?"
The kiwi says "Nah I didn't know that, fair enough I suppose. If thats what hes into."
So the Aussie goes back to his mates fuming, "I got nothing mate!"
The third Aussie gets up and says "Listen to this fellas, I'll show you how to do it."
So he goes up to the kiwi and says "I heard Dan Carter was Australian."
And the kiwi says, "Yeah, your mates have been telling me."
Post by: Chilli on July 03, 2008, 01:22:18 pm
Post by: darkwalker79 on July 03, 2008, 01:35:53 pm
Post by: Scunner on July 03, 2008, 03:15:31 pm
A chicken was walking down the street when he came across a duck, which looked like it was about to cross the road.
So the chicken rushed up to the duck and says "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."
Post by: drunk.kiwi on July 04, 2008, 08:45:25 pm
new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again. One scout informs him
of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch him, is
suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for the Blues.
Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders with only
20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on.
The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for
the Blues. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic, and
the media love the new star.
When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
day playing rugby for the Blues. 'Hi Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played
for 20 minutes today, we were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me'.
'Great,' says his Mum, 'now let me tell you about my day'. 'Your father got
shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your
brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having a great time.
The young lad is very upset. What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry.
'Sorry?!' says his Mum. 'It’s your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the first place!'
Post by: Baltimore on July 09, 2008, 06:09:13 pm
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done.. there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
Wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks', she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Post by: drunk.kiwi on July 09, 2008, 09:14:39 pm
*ass infected death sentence
How did Aids get into the country?
*It bummed a ride.
What is the first sign of aids?
*A pounding sensation in your ass.
Post by: Possessed on July 09, 2008, 11:39:05 pm
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Post by: Ngati_Grim on July 10, 2008, 09:34:50 am
Quote from: Pyromanik;746702
yes. it was.
post a joke or GTFO.
What's the difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?
One mucks around the fountain.
^nice.
How about the guy who was taking his gf for a paddle. Their chaperone said: "No kissing in the punt, please:.
What the difference between the Australian Women's Track and Field team and a all-female trapeze group?
One is full of cunning stunts.
It's all just a lack of pies, anyway.
Or that great book by Charles Dickens: "A Sale of Two Titties"
"Sir, you definitely are a shining wit"
"Have you seen her sick duck?"
"He's a smart fella"
"You Cute Brunt"
Post by: drunk.kiwi on July 10, 2008, 02:56:35 pm
I am sorry if i offended you and your fight with aids.
It was meant as a joke. ( a bit like you really):bounce:
Post by: Chilli on July 10, 2008, 04:23:57 pm
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
Her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts
In your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
Post by: Baltimore on July 12, 2008, 10:24:17 am
Official Announcement: From Helen Clarke
The New Zealand government today announced that it is changing the coat of arms to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
Post by: Chilli on July 12, 2008, 11:57:05 pm
Post by: henno on July 15, 2008, 03:53:49 pm
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
14: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
15: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
16: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
19: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
20: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
22: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
23: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
24: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
Post by: Chilli on July 17, 2008, 11:24:57 am
Tommy Cooper Jokes
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs Go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
:disappoin
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs Go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
:disappoin
Post by: maorifulla on July 17, 2008, 05:16:53 pm
Quote from: Munc_her;560483
All blacks to win 2007 World Cup
LOL +1 from me as well
Post by: Chilli on July 17, 2008, 10:51:26 pm
Quote from: Munc_her;757489
Thats was funny, it choked me up..
All blacks to win 2007 World Cup
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on July 18, 2008, 11:38:35 am
Ed Zachary Syndrome
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had never had a date or even experienced sex. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
She went to see him. On entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Syndrome. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried, the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God doctor, what is Ed Zachary Syndrome?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Syndrome is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your ass.'
Post by: liquidpain on July 18, 2008, 11:03:21 pm
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Post by: liquidpain on July 18, 2008, 11:11:01 pm
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1.
After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2.
We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3.
There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4.
We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5.
One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6.
There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7.
Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8.
Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.
9.
My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?
Best regards,
Banta Singh
Post by: liquidpain on July 18, 2008, 11:11:34 pm
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 100 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Post by: liquidpain on July 18, 2008, 11:13:06 pm
Post by: liquidpain on July 18, 2008, 11:15:44 pm
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE
PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a
grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had
to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment
will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly
contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the
fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear
Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost
it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Post by: liquidpain on July 20, 2008, 10:05:44 pm
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3)
Was watching his Mom breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN
(age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that When you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN ( age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It
Makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed When I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:
'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was
With her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday Sermon: 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Post by: liquidpain on July 20, 2008, 10:21:01 pm
Anyway, yesterday one of the guys there played the lotto last night and he was going on about if he won he would do this and that and etc, about 5 minutes went on and he went to the bathroom leaving his jacket on the counter while he did his thing.
While he was there a mate took the lotto out of his pocket copied one of his lines with the power ball and put it back into his pocket. We all agreed to keep a straight face. We all went home that night.
Today he rings us at work to get him the lotto numbers for him as he does not have the internet, i pretend to jump online to give him the number, so i read on and he takes it down and hangs up, im trying to keep a straight voice.
We all wait anxiously for him to ring back up. 5 minutes goes past the phone rings, he was screaming into the phone "im a fuckin millionaire like 5 times, so dont expect me at work today" i acted all happy for him trying not to laugh so hard. Everyone who was in on it just cracked up for 5 minutes.
Then he goes on to ring his parents and girlfriend about his succes. About half hour later of his life as a millionaire, he goes to the lotto shop to claim his millions he comes to the realization that he just got punk'd.
comes into the shop 2 hours later -angriest i have ever seen him- we are all just cracking up at him hysterically. after about 5 minutes of ranting to us he settles down.
fuck i could just imagine him rocking up to the lotto shop all happy and shit fuck if i could only get the security footage.
fucking awesome prank imo
Post by: konvik on July 27, 2008, 02:22:28 pm
What do you call postman pat without a job?
PAT
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
UNIQUE UP ON HIM
So now you know how to catch a unique rabbit, i bet you're all wondering how the hell are you going to catch a tame rabbit?
THE TAME WAY!! UNIQUE UP ON HIM!!
Post by: Xt1ncT on July 28, 2008, 03:40:04 pm
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Post by: Optimus on July 28, 2008, 04:20:22 pm
You don't fuck a sandwich before you eat it.
Post by: MemNocH on July 29, 2008, 08:54:14 am
Quote from: Optimus;764857
What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?You don't fuck a sandwich before you eat it.
Come on.. this is a joke thread where you tell jokes.. not where you become one.. ;)
Post by: SteddieEddie on July 29, 2008, 09:19:36 am
Tony Veitch
Post by: Optimus on July 29, 2008, 10:18:20 am
I didn't give your mother flowers
Post by: liquidpain on July 30, 2008, 10:19:05 pm
"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.
A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.
He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach
the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
Post by: liquidpain on July 30, 2008, 10:20:03 pm
Mick says "how you doin?"
Paddy says " do us a favour, nip upstairs and get my slippers, my feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed .
He says "your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you " .
They say "get away with ya.. prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back "of course both of em, what's the point of f***ing one?"
Post by: liquidpain on July 30, 2008, 10:22:20 pm
girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer
continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I
must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone,
and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture
of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57
photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you
are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me. "
Post by: Linx on July 30, 2008, 10:22:34 pm
To this day, I still don't know.
Post by: liquidpain on July 30, 2008, 10:31:49 pm
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets.
“Gravity always wins!”
You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!
747 on final approach at 1000′ off the deck. First Officer asks Captain “Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?” Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely.
Lost Cessna Pilot: “Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!”
A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
“I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep”
Post by: Aezra on August 04, 2008, 02:07:00 pm
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Post by: Chilli on August 04, 2008, 06:40:31 pm
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 . I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 ."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30 . So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00 !!! "
Post by: Mr_St1nky on August 05, 2008, 02:12:47 pm
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my Business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut.
Post by: Mr_St1nky on August 05, 2008, 02:25:37 pm
An Australian, an Irishman and a South Aucklander are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Lion Red.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the South Aucklander who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
'What's wrong?' says Jesus.
The South Aucklander shouts, 'F** k off, I'm on a disability benefit!'
Post by: Chilli on August 05, 2008, 02:37:58 pm
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks ( shit ).
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3:00am .
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO ARSE.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
:knife:
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on August 08, 2008, 09:33:43 am
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my
children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved...."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on August 08, 2008, 09:35:21 am
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'Willie the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor.
'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor
and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on August 08, 2008, 09:35:54 am
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let's be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da hell was I 'spose to pick dem up?'
Post by: Zhija on August 10, 2008, 03:55:15 pm
Paddy explains to Shamus what he has to do;"You take the hammer, take a nail and hammer it into the wood like this." Shamus does one and seems to be alright, so Paddy decides to go work on the other side of the house. After a while Paddy takes a rest, and starts to notice an irregularity in the sound of Shamus' hammering. There would be a series of bangs, and then a considerable pause, followed by more bangs. This continues for a while when Paddy decides to take a look at whats going on. He peeps round the corner, and there's Shamus. He looked at his hand, selected a nail and then hammered it into the wall, then looked at his hand again, selected a nail, examined it and then threw it away. He continued in this fashion for a few minutes, until Paddy decided he'd seen enough. "Shamus, why on earth are ya wasting all those nails!!" to which Shamus replied "Well, you see, the heads of the nail are on the wrong ends for some of these, so I throw them away."
"Shamus you fool!" Paddy cries "Those are for the other side of the house!"
Post by: DeeVeeOss on August 13, 2008, 01:22:03 pm
Post by: Chilli on August 13, 2008, 03:59:26 pm
new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again. One scout informs him
of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch him, is
suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for the
Blues.
Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to Wellington with
only
20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on.
The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for
the Blues. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic,
and
the media love the new star.
When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
day playing rugby for the Blues. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played
for 20 minutes today, we were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love
me".
"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day". "Your father
got
shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your
brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having a great
time.
The young lad is very upset. What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry.
"Sorry?!" says his Mum. "It's your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the
first place!"
Post by: henno on August 17, 2008, 07:12:47 pm
“Well,” said one, “the fillin' station ain't open 'till tomorrie, but I reckon you kin stay the night with me & Billy-Bob here.”
She accepted, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy-Bob & Billy-Ray slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings.
Pulling out two condoms, she said, “You nice boys wouldn't want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on.”
They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and our girl went back to the city.
Three months later, Billy-Bob and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewin' on some RedMan.
“D'ya remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?” asked Billy-Ray.
“Ah sure do,” said Billy-Bob, with a smirk.
“D'ya really care if she gets pregnant?”
“Nah,” said Billy-Bob.
“Well, lets get these STUPID things off of our dicks!”
Post by: SteddieEddie on August 21, 2008, 09:26:14 am
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on August 22, 2008, 02:59:24 pm
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One
of them was washing her private area and noticed that
there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there
was a small, recognizable movement
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minute s the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure, maybe she choked'.
Post by: Chilli on August 23, 2008, 10:53:54 pm
Post by: Chilli on August 29, 2008, 03:53:53 pm
(http://i405.photobucket.com/albums/pp132/chillifunkhouser/f6.jpg)
Post by: maorifulla on August 31, 2008, 01:18:26 pm
A man sees a young teenage girl crying on the side of the cliff
man: why are you crying
young girl : My Father he was killed from falling of this cliff
man: OMG at least you still have your mother
Young Girl: (weeping even More) she also died from trying to save him
Man: You dont have any other family?
Young Girl: No my brother also was involved in this tragedy
The man starts undoing his fly
Man: well i guess it just isnt your day today is it :piss:
Post by: nzallmenace on September 01, 2008, 10:35:17 pm
Post by: Chilli on September 03, 2008, 11:37:51 am
..........
ESTATE PLANNING
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife to share his fortune with.
One evening at an investment meeting he spied the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and 3 days later
she became his stepmother.
Women seem to be so much better at estate planning than men :|
Post by: grass on September 03, 2008, 04:53:12 pm
- Dad, I'd like to try to have sex, what should I do?
- That's simple, sonny. Just take the biggest car from my garage, dress
the best suit you have and take the girl into the most deluxe restaurant
in the town. Rent a horse chariot in the evening and take her for a trip
around the lake. Buy her the biggest bunch of flowers you can buy.
Finally rent a president suite and she'll be yours. And that's all.
- But Dad! Where are the romantic walks, grazes, reading of poetry in
the moonlight, flirting ...
- My boy... all this was invented by the Linux folks so that they can
have sex for free.
Post by: SteddieEddie on September 04, 2008, 08:58:28 am
rainy day she was in bed
with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car
pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he ran down the
street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right
into the middle of the town's
annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about
300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a
little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged
closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your
arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the
run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you
run?'
'Nope...just when it's raining.'
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on September 16, 2008, 12:11:51 pm
straight from wikipedia:
The joke told by the Joker is a common one:
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on September 18, 2008, 10:25:44 am
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on September 19, 2008, 01:07:49 pm
The bar has a robot barman.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, and women in general.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."
And the robot says....real slowly...
"So.................. ya gonna vote for Helen again?"
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on September 25, 2008, 03:57:12 pm
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Post by: private_hell on September 30, 2008, 06:02:18 pm
and pounds the first shot and than proceeds to pour the second on his right hand.
He than asks the bartender for two more shots and does the samething.
A few minutes later he asks the bartender for two more
shots, and the bartender responds, "Why do you keep pouring shots on your hand."
The man replies, "getting my date drunk."
Post by: henno on October 01, 2008, 03:35:57 pm
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on October 02, 2008, 11:36:43 am
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the
run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days:
Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up
Tempura Bank is in hot oil
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song
shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop
analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where
it is feared that staff may get a raw deal
Post by: Dr Woomanchu on October 02, 2008, 09:49:24 pm
Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best
friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep
without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Post by: hemihapuka on October 03, 2008, 12:05:44 am
What do Australians use for contraceptives ?
There Personality.
Why do Aussies like having sex with Virgins ?
Because they dont like Criticism
Post by: nzallmenace on October 06, 2008, 03:01:55 pm
!["Photobucket"]("[url]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll22/allmenace/misc/4639760_60872c0a1192452076_m.jpg")
[/url]
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 06, 2008, 09:59:25 pm
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son .....
'Go get your mother.'
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 07, 2008, 03:36:27 pm
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club..
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
Post by: Baltimore on October 08, 2008, 12:34:42 pm
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on October 09, 2008, 01:15:37 pm
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those
Who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
And Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame.. What a disappointment. '
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him, and he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
Post by: Scorched_onion on October 10, 2008, 01:22:53 pm
call me
Post by: DRFT10 on October 10, 2008, 01:32:52 pm
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did foa a living.
All the typical answers came out - Fireman, Salesman, Builder and Office Worker, but Billy was uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
His reply was "My father is an exotic dancer in a night club and takes off all his clothes in front of other peopple. Sometimes if an offer is really good, he'll go out with someone, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.
The teacher quickly set the other students some work and took Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say so".
Post by: ThumbsUpGuy on October 10, 2008, 04:25:37 pm
By Neil Ohlenkamp
In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:
1.) Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.
2.) Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a girlfriend or coworker to accompany you.
3.) In the event that you are mugged, don't bother the police -- call your mother immediately.
4.) When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
5.) Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
6.) If forced to fight, keep the opponent from getting a grip and hope for a penalty.
7.) Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
8.) Try to live in close proximity to Batman.
9.) If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"
10.) Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."
11.) Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!
12.) If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.
13.) Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
14.) If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
15.) According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.
16.) Remember -- you can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first (this is known as the Bush Doctrine).
Post by: Dr Woomanchu on October 15, 2008, 05:48:43 pm
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Post by: Chilli on October 16, 2008, 09:19:24 pm
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think theyre right and you need to shut up or you'll be (1) getting none that night, and/or (2) sleeping on the sofa that night.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in 'fine' (see #1).
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or loose faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever', below).
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*CK YOURSELF!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on October 21, 2008, 10:04:54 am
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Helen told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge cigar in the other, and was Smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
'What happened to you,' asked Helen ?
'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me '
'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Helen.
The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Helen Clarks's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it.' !!
Post by: #331;µbblès on October 21, 2008, 10:41:30 am
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on
HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai
Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in
Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to
have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate
Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
hahaha
Post by: TuataraDude on October 24, 2008, 07:12:48 am
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, during her period or if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, during her period or if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 27, 2008, 06:49:25 am
standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was
because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my old
fella and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid question...... why else would I buy dog food??
Post by: drunk.kiwi on October 27, 2008, 08:32:02 am
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing
Post by: TuataraDude on October 27, 2008, 04:17:46 pm
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Post by: Scunner on October 28, 2008, 06:04:22 pm
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs
Post by: TuataraDude on October 29, 2008, 11:38:16 am
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice…
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Post by: liquidpain on November 01, 2008, 05:09:41 pm
who would win a fight out of lion and a piecost?
then i asked whats a piecost?
$2.50.
I laughed and failed at the same time.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on November 05, 2008, 09:43:09 am
over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only
to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,
and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and
love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then
work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four,
then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side
until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he
asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face.PRICELESS
Post by: nzallmenace on November 06, 2008, 12:24:43 am
five presidents--------haha
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.
George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.
Post by: TuataraDude on November 06, 2008, 05:35:41 pm
"I Hate My Job day"
try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made byJohnson & Johnson (Be very sure you get this brand). When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins .
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE --- THAN YOURS!
Post by: TuataraDude on November 10, 2008, 08:19:44 am
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs
..
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"
..
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant' s ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum,
and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs.
27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions
about light bulbs".
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and to start it all over again
Post by: Pyromanik on November 10, 2008, 10:17:19 am
Post by: TuataraDude on November 12, 2008, 07:08:43 am
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Proof that Men Have Better Friends.
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Post by: Optimus on November 15, 2008, 07:20:35 am
A quarter pounder with cheese
Post by: ThaFleastyler on November 26, 2008, 10:19:18 am
Cause for elephants, 6 inches just ain't enough.
Post by: UppityDuck on November 26, 2008, 11:33:13 am
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom
Post by: [britishsteel] on November 27, 2008, 05:24:34 am
What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with an erection?
He breaks his nose.
i better get ready for abusehttp://forums.iconzarena.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on December 01, 2008, 11:12:16 am
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$of u$.We are worker$who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..
I am $ure you will gue$$what I meant and re$pond $oon.
Your$$incerely,
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must haveNOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .
---- Your Boss.
Post by: TuataraDude on December 02, 2008, 07:50:19 am
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
Post by: Fornicatin’Mule on December 04, 2008, 10:45:40 pm
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that
I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet,
the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax
forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last eight
passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to
fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also, would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f*cking astounded if
that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...
SH*T!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning. Between
you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send the application
to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is
going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal
a*seholes workin' there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New
Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi
girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether
I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to
do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell
not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city,
and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with
another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd
be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer
to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads
cut off, and then having to find some high society w*nker to confirm that
it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the
photo.. the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f*cking morons
Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.
PS Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this
country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms
with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also
served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to
Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a
personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter
Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to
verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND
RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN !!!......a country where they either
assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the
Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'
You are all F*cking idiots!! :D
Post by: nzallmenace on December 06, 2008, 01:44:24 am
"How do you actually get to heaven?" asks little Alice
"Well, how do you think you get there?" asks the teacher.
"Well, I think that as you die, God takes you by the hands and gently pulls you up to heaven." replies Alice.
"Awww....that sounds lovely" replies the teacher.
"That sounds a load of rubbish!" interupts little Johnny rudely. "AND I KNOW!"
The teacher is obviously wary of any kid called little Johnny and so asks if anyone else has ideas.
Another chlid suggest God walks ahead and leads you to heaven. Again this suggestion is met with Johnny's rude dismissal and insistence that he knows exactly how you get to heaven.
Finally the teacher says. "OK, I know I will regret this, but go on then Johnny. How do we get to heaven?"
"God grabs you by the ankles and hauls you up there!" says Johnny.
"Ridiculous!" says the teacher.
"He does so....I've seen it!" replies Johnny.
The teacher looks at him quizzicaly.
"Just yesterday I walked into Mum and Dads bedroom. She was lying on the bed with her legs stuck straight up in the air. She kinda shouted 'OH GOD I'M COMING!!!' Its a good thing my Dad had got her well pinned down or we'd have lost her for sure!"
A primary school teacher is talking with her class about the words ‘definitely’ and ‘probably’ and how they are used in day to day life. She asks the class for examples of the word ‘definitely’. Suzie puts her hand up.
“Yes Suzie?” asks the teacher.
“Well I’m definitely going to see my friend after school tonight,” claims Suzie with a pleased look on her face.
“What happens if your friend gets hit by a car and killed on the way home from school?” asks the teacher. “It was a good try, but it’s still only an example of probably. Does anybody else think they have an example?”
Young David is next to raise his hand. “Miss, I’m definitely having chips from the chip shop tonight. My Dad said so.”
“That’s a good try David,” replies the teacher, “but what if the chip shop is blown up in a terrorist attack? It’s still only an example of probably I’m afraid.”
The next person to raise their hand, albeit a little more cautiously than the others, is Little Johnny.
“Um, miss?” He asks hesitantly.
“Yes Johnny, do you have a question?”
“Miss, are farts lumpy?” asks Little Johnny.
“The teacher looks confused, so asks “No, not in my experience. Why do you ask?”
A look of triumph spreads over Little Johnny’s previously worried face.
“Well miss, if farts aren’t lumpy then I’ve definitely shit myself!”
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Buggered if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shit himself."
Post by: nzallmenace on December 06, 2008, 04:10:00 pm
reasons:
1-------- I do physical labor.
2.------- I work at great depths.
3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.--------I work in a damp environment.
6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7.------- I work in high temperatures.
8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.
Reply: Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. ------You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. ------You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
period.
3. ------You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. ------You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting other locations.
5. ------You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
6. ------You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. ------You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. ------You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. ------You are unable to work double shifts.
10. ------You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
11. ------And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking
bags.
Sincerely, The Management
Five reasons not to be a penis:
1. ------You're bald your whole life.
2. ------You have a hole in your head.
3. ------Your neighbors are nuts.
4. ------The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. ------Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
Post by: nzallmenace on December 08, 2008, 04:51:13 pm
18 years later, one of the girls comes downstairs cryin hysterically. her mother asks her what is the matter and shes says 'when i was havin a piss i heard a noise and i saw a bullet in the toilet'. her mum sits her down and tells her wat happened before she was born
the next week, the second girl comes down in hysterics, and her mum asks her what is wrong. ' i was on the toilet and a bullet drop out whilst i was havin a piss'. again, the mum explains what had happened.
a couple of weeks later, the lad runs down cryin his eyes out. before he can say anythin his mum says 'let me guess, u were havin a piss and u pissed out a buller'.
'no' the lad replies, 'i was tossin off and when i came i shot the dog
Post by: nzallmenace on December 11, 2008, 11:00:42 pm
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
Post by: TheGimp505 on December 12, 2008, 12:47:17 pm
Post by: Chilli on December 12, 2008, 03:56:28 pm
Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'
Post by: nzr_hotsexgary on December 24, 2008, 06:59:19 pm
St Peter walks out, grabs a microphone, and announces "The rules have changed slightly as of today: You are only allowed to come in if you had a REALLY bad day the day you died."
So the first guy in the queue walks up and is asked "So what was your day like?" to which he replied,
"Well I finished my shift at 6am and was just opening the door to my apartment when I heard some muffled noises coming from inside. I didn't think much of it, so I opened the door, went up to my room, only to find my wife completely naked and looking rather short of breath. I knew something wasn't quite right and yelled 'Where is he!' as I checked around the bedroom and in the wardrobe. Then I heard a noise from outside, so I walked out onto the balcony and saw a man hanging naked by his fingertips. I was beyond pissed off by this stage and so I jumped on his fingers until he let go and fell all 7 storeys to the ground. I could see him twitching still, so I grabbed the biggest thing I could find - the refrigerator - and lugged it over to the balcony, throwing it off and killing the man. After all the commotion was over I was so angry that I had a heart attack and dropped dead right there."
St Peter looks thoughtful for a bit, then says "Well, I suppose your wife was cheating on you, and even though you killed a man you technically had a bad day, so you're in. Welcome to heaven."
The first man goes through, and the second man steps up. St Peter says "So how was your day?" The man replies,
"So I got up at 5.45 to do my morning exercises, and as I live on the 8th floor of a high rise building the only space I really have is on my balcony, which nobody can really see at that point in the morning so I often exercise naked. I did a bit of yoga, some star jumps, a couple of sets of pressups and sit ups, then as I was stretching the railing gave way and I fell off the side. Luckily I managed to catch the balcony of the floor below, and was just about to pull myself up when some crazy man ran out of the apartment and started jumping on my fingers! Naturally I fell to the ground, and I'm lying there with a broken back when I look back up to see this refrigerator fall from the sky and land on my head, and now I'm here."
St Peter is giggling a little by this stage, but manages to regain his composure and announces "Well, you hadn't done anything wrong, were trying to keep healthy, and just had a really shitty day. Welcome to heaven."
So the second guy walks into heaven and the third man walks up to St Peter, who asks him "So how was your day?"
The man replies: "Picture this - I'm naked in a refrigerator..."
Post by: Deviant on December 25, 2008, 01:28:17 pm
Post by: Mithster18 on January 09, 2009, 12:32:49 pm
Quote from: Deviant;859863
womens rights
Win:rnr:
Post by: ThaFleastyler on January 10, 2009, 01:29:35 am
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Post by: nzallmenace on January 10, 2009, 02:19:02 pm
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then. So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
Post by: nzallmenace on January 12, 2009, 02:34:34 pm
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”
… the teacher fainted!
Post by: Scorched_onion on January 12, 2009, 02:54:45 pm
Post by: EnjoyTheSauce on January 12, 2009, 03:01:35 pm
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never!' replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed!’
Post by: TuataraDude on January 14, 2009, 08:16:06 pm
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 10 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'
Post by: Pyromanik on January 15, 2009, 12:03:29 am
Quote from: nzallmenace;866146
One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb." The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" The blonde responded: "November?" "Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" The blonde responded: "Paris?" So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" The blonde replied: "Two?" “Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.
Heh, reminds me of one I once heard.
Bear with me a bit, I'm going to type this from memory...
A blonde was having a particularly bad Friday at work. After her day had finished, and the after work drinks (complete with blonde jokes) were finished she decided to get proactive. She was not a stupid woman, and she would prove it. The very next day she went down the street to a salon and had her hair dyed a natural looking brown that perfectly suited her complexion as to look as natural as possible. She then enrolled herself in who wants to be a millioniare, which was filmed in the city not far from her town.
She was accepted.
She proceeded to do exactly as planned with her proof. Once everyone started taking her seriously because of her hair colour she found a new job with higher pay and more responsibility, she found that men were more interested in her personality than her looks, and met general success every which way she set her sights.
The day of her who wants to be a millionaire appearance came around, and after gaining the hot seat proceeded to make her way up to half a million dollars. Unfortunately she was stuck on the last question, however she had still done far better than most other contestants. She did the smart thing and took the money.
She had just won $500,000. She was overjoyed. It was time to go back to her normal hair colour at work and show them all the truth behind blondes. On her drive home she also began to ponder how best to rub her success in the faces of her old workmates who used to make those silly blonde jokes all the time.
As she was driving back from the city to her town, she came across a farmer herding sheep across the road. With all the success she had recently had she decided to have some carefree fun with her new riches. She called the farmer over.
"I've just won half a million dollars on 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'" she exclaimed.
"Wow, that's great." replied the farmer in a rather puzzled fashion.
"I'd like to make a bet with you" stated the blonde come brunette...
"If I can correctly guess the number of sheep you have in your herd within a margin of error of 25, I can have one of the cute little lambs. However, If I should get it wrong, I'll give you $100,000."
The farmer was shocked at the charitable sum presented to him, and could not refuse. How could she possibly get the number right? It was a fairly large herd. Even if she only had to be within 50 sheep of the true number...
"I think you have about 147 sheep" said the blonde after a few careful moments of consideration.
"Crikey!" said the farmer, "That's amazing. I never would have expected you to do that. You were so close, as I have 142. You've won yourself a lamb."
The blonde climbed out of the car, and whist making idle chitchat with the farmer, selected herself a particularly cute lamb, and put it in the back of her 4x4.
Just as she was about to drive off, after thanking the farmer for his honesty, he replied with:
"It's no trouble, it was honestly amazing to see someone do that that quickly, and correctly too. However I now have a wee wager to make with you..."
The blonde was intrigued... "Go on..." she said...
The farmer paused for a minute and eyed her up and down before leaning in her window and whispering in her ear... "If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on January 22, 2009, 12:00:26 pm
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f**king blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.
The End
Post by: drunk.kiwi on January 23, 2009, 01:27:53 pm
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
Retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel
gode.
Post by: DRFT10 on January 23, 2009, 02:37:12 pm
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> asked, 'What's on TV?'
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
> in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
> "No," she answered.
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And then the fight started....
>
> ******************************************
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
> the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
> the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
> wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
> radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
> and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
> you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
> well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
> !!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> *****************************************
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive...
> so, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
> to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
> nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....
Post by: SittingDuck on January 23, 2009, 10:28:59 pm
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
I bet i can bite my eyes
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
Circle Flies
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
Post by: zolteg on January 24, 2009, 08:38:01 am
Post by: drunk.kiwi on January 26, 2009, 07:11:43 am
Post by: SteddieEddie on January 27, 2009, 08:00:23 am
- George W. Bush
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush
'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush
'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush
'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush
'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush
'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush
'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush
'I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush
'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush
'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush
'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush
Post by: SteddieEddie on February 12, 2009, 12:38:20 am
She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty."
He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"
Post by: Slob® on February 17, 2009, 01:50:58 pm
Finally someone has cleared this up for me...
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the
Indian High Commission in Wellington has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won:-
A - Taxi licence in chch
B - Convenience store in hamilton
C- Service station in auckland
D- Kebab shop in invercargill
E- Take away cafe in nelson
If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering
telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Telecom customers in
New Zealand .
:knife:
Post by: nzallmenace on February 19, 2009, 10:28:40 pm
> >
> > They undress and step into the showers before they
> realize
> > there is no soap.
> >
> > Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to
>
get
> > it, not bothering to dress.
> >
> > He grabs
two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads
> back
> > to the showers.
> >
> > He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
> heading
> > his way.
> >
> > Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall
> and
> > freezes like he's a statue.
> >
> > The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
> >
> > The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his
> > manhood.
> >
> > Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
> >
> > 'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a
> soap
> > dispenser'.
> >
> > To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his
> > manhood.
> >
> > Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
> >
> >
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
> >
> > She pulls once,
then twice and three times but nothing
> > happens.
> >
> > So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
> >
> > 'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'
Post by: Scream on February 19, 2009, 10:32:40 pm
Quote from: nzallmenace;891442
> > 'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'
LMFAO!! +1
Edit: Getting a token error for repping =/
And which low life negged me over this >.>
Post by: UppityDuck on February 20, 2009, 10:09:31 pm
She turns to him, looks at him warily and says "No, it's not, it's normal porn, you sick bastard!"
Post by: Bobyoby on February 21, 2009, 11:20:22 pm
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
NEITHER HAVE THEY!!
KK that ones kinda funny but is one of those jokes that you go haha, awwww
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2009, 08:42:09 am
--
In a recent survey carried out, people from Chicago, Illinois have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
--
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2009, 08:42:53 am
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2009, 08:44:11 am
"Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya want". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake take it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc... finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..."
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2009, 08:49:20 am
--
How do you know when you're dating a hard bitch? When you ask her for a blow job she replies "Nah I'm too tired - just wank in a cup and I'll drink it in the morning".
--
A little girl asked her father: "Daddy how did the human race appear?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and mum said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."
Post by: henno on February 24, 2009, 11:36:04 am
Post by: SteddieEddie on February 26, 2009, 05:48:16 pm
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!
Post by: henno on March 04, 2009, 02:38:39 pm
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him... and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said...
"Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."
Post by: woofnstuff on March 05, 2009, 10:24:38 am
*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
* "I am a rabid typist."
*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
* "Qualifications: No education or experience."
* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
Post by: DRFT10 on March 05, 2009, 10:28:58 am
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c0ck like that."
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."
"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Post by: EnjoyTheSauce on March 05, 2009, 02:40:14 pm
Quote from: DRFT10;898662
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and s3xy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c0ck like that."
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."
"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Jimmy Carr? Awesome comedian, love his stand up.
Post by: #331;µbblès on March 05, 2009, 04:32:41 pm
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied:
'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'
It took fully 5 minutes to restore order in the lecture room.........
Post by: pinkycook on March 05, 2009, 05:43:34 pm
Post by: Baldesto on March 06, 2009, 02:23:29 pm
--
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
--
Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three. Reception asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" Donald replies "Don't be fucking stupid! I'll suffocate!"
--
Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. "It's me or the magazines," Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.
--
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this," and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it."
Post by: Baldesto on March 06, 2009, 03:05:07 pm
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem… It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 06, 2009, 03:16:05 pm
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi' Jasus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin" way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin" pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub."
Post by: Baldesto on March 06, 2009, 03:16:38 pm
- CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
- HAMBURGER: $2.25
- CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
- HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "How can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands real good honey because I want a cheeseburger."
Post by: Baldesto on March 06, 2009, 03:18:26 pm
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 06, 2009, 03:19:36 pm
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers... and then there are educators.
Post by: henno on March 07, 2009, 12:12:47 am
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love,
Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Post by: Spin on March 07, 2009, 02:41:57 am
Obama
Post by: nzallmenace on March 08, 2009, 12:06:23 pm
There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."
Post by: nzallmenace on March 08, 2009, 12:07:37 pm
One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"
Post by: nzallmenace on March 08, 2009, 12:09:59 pm
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
Post by: Spin on March 08, 2009, 10:33:35 pm
Woman's rights
Post by: henno on March 10, 2009, 09:04:39 pm
..
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir . But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Post by: henno on March 11, 2009, 05:19:58 pm
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
Post by: rank666 on March 11, 2009, 05:34:47 pm
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am, but I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a '15 mile route march - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's arrse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of bloody cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one
bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Will wright again soon,
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
Post by: Spin on March 11, 2009, 05:57:22 pm
A dead baby flying into a window
Post by: Pitchey on March 11, 2009, 11:00:20 pm
A. Because the Germans like marching in the shade!
Post by: Spin on March 12, 2009, 06:12:39 pm
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Post by: Bobyoby on March 12, 2009, 06:56:45 pm
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
(I not meant to be a pro-Russian or whatever, just a good joke)
Post by: Spin on March 12, 2009, 07:07:45 pm
The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.
Post by: Bobyoby on March 12, 2009, 09:52:52 pm
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Post by: Baldesto on March 13, 2009, 07:02:04 pm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."
Post by: Baldesto on March 13, 2009, 07:17:15 pm
Post by: Baldesto on March 13, 2009, 07:18:27 pm
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without leave, even reindeers" asses are beginning to look good to me. I have one stripe; it's minus 40 degrees, and my job is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
Post by: Baldesto on March 13, 2009, 07:21:02 pm
The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"
The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."
Post by: Baldesto on March 13, 2009, 07:22:10 pm
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me!" she said "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
Post by: Baldesto on March 13, 2009, 07:23:03 pm
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:03:10 am
--
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
--
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, "Get this out of me, give me drugs!". She turns to the boyfriend and says "You did this to me you fucker!". He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful - now who's laughing?'"
--
A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kilometres a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kilometres to the litre.
--
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:05:59 am
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 190 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 190 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end!
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, finds the old man still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror..."
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:07:12 am
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold!- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?""Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty. The darn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:07:59 am
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. "An Ambulance just drove by."
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike..." "Looks like the Sanders are moving out" "Jason is on his skate board..."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:11:22 am
--
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:12:41 am
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
"I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."
"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone!" "Well, that is wonderful!" proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "WOW! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY GOD!" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:13:39 am
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer".
He got the job.
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:17:24 am
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2009, 08:18:36 am
Post by: DDM on March 14, 2009, 02:31:22 pm
Post by: rank666 on March 14, 2009, 02:37:51 pm
Post by: DeeVeeOss on March 14, 2009, 09:56:11 pm
Post by: Ron155 on March 14, 2009, 10:50:39 pm
Post by: Baldesto on March 15, 2009, 07:19:08 am
Post by: huey31415 on March 15, 2009, 05:07:45 pm
"Look at that", he murmured to himself. "They have been there for many years, in the sun and rain, heat and cold, droughts, floods and bushfires and never a move. I will reward them."
So he clicked his fingers and humanised the statues.
"As a reward for your patience," he told them, "you can have half an hour as humans."
The man statue looked at the woman statue and said, "Will we?"
"Yes; let's" giggled the woman statue. So they retired behind some bushes, whence for some fifteen minutes came muffled sounds of gasps, giggles and grunts. Then they came out from behind the bushes, pink in the face, and dusting off grass, ferns, lolly papers and beer can labels.
The wizard looked at his pocket watch and said, "You still have fifteen minutes before you're back to being statues."
The woman statue said to the man statue,
"Again?"
"Too right," said the man statue, "only this time, you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."
Post by: huey31415 on March 15, 2009, 05:10:00 pm
"Please take off my dress."
"Please take off my petticoat."
"Please take off my bra."
"Please take off my panties."
All of her requests were answered by a respectful,
"Yes, Ma'am."
Finally she says, "...And Jeeves, if I catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be sacked."
Post by: Bobyoby on March 16, 2009, 04:46:12 pm
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Post by: Bobyoby on March 16, 2009, 04:46:59 pm
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Post by: Bobyoby on March 16, 2009, 04:48:39 pm
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Post by: Bobyoby on March 16, 2009, 04:49:18 pm
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
Post by: Pitchey on March 16, 2009, 05:01:12 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;903909
i hope your next shit is a hedgehog.....
lmfao
You must spread some + Reputation around before giving it to Baldesto again.
Post by: nzallmenace on March 16, 2009, 05:09:43 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;903651
and lol at the clusterfuck who negged me for these jokes, nice job asshat.....
keep the jokes coming bro u always make me laugh when i need it =) :rnr:
Post by: Bobyoby on March 16, 2009, 09:42:36 pm
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Post by: Baldesto on March 17, 2009, 04:47:42 pm
Post by: Bobyoby on March 17, 2009, 05:20:35 pm
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
Post by: Pyromanik on March 17, 2009, 05:22:32 pm
Quote from: Bobyoby;904730
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
... And that's when the fight started...
Post by: bigROBOTbill on March 20, 2009, 12:57:04 pm
SMART ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-***** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Post by: qwerty4me on March 20, 2009, 11:39:13 pm
A lul for every click.
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.
Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.
Post by: Baldesto on March 21, 2009, 11:24:44 am
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front."
Post by: Baldesto on March 21, 2009, 11:25:27 am
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... you must kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the third man's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" he said. "So I had to beat her to death with the chair."
Post by: Baldesto on March 21, 2009, 11:25:59 am
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape. "What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?" "We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?" "I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you." "I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!" "There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man. "No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."
Post by: Baldesto on March 21, 2009, 11:26:32 am
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you." He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?" She says, "Go ahead." He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?" She says, "Of course." He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love Celine Dion. Could you please play her latest CD for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.
He then turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?""Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Post by: Bobyoby on March 21, 2009, 04:12:11 pm
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Post by: Bobyoby on March 21, 2009, 04:14:52 pm
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
(BTW i have nothing against gays)
Post by: Nyan on March 21, 2009, 05:37:43 pm
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes in your face.
There was a blackout in our street.
We had him arrested.
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
Post by: Bobyoby on March 21, 2009, 06:33:32 pm
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".
Post by: DRFT10 on March 23, 2009, 09:09:47 am
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
Post by: Bobyoby on March 23, 2009, 07:51:24 pm
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
Therapist sleeping
"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
Looking under the Bed
Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
(STOP NEG REPPING ME!!!!)
Post by: Spin on March 23, 2009, 09:04:44 pm
yeah the neg rep is getting pretty annoying in this and the random images thread
Post by: Bobyoby on March 24, 2009, 05:37:23 pm
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Post by: MemNocH on March 26, 2009, 02:42:17 pm
She said "Oh me, so sorry. You make front hole so happy, back hole blow you a kiss"
:)
Post by: DRFT10 on March 27, 2009, 09:08:45 am
When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including French and American.. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U...S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped
their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously..
Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
Post by: Bobyoby on March 28, 2009, 09:50:12 pm
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'
-----
a woman is on a beach. she has no arms and no leges. and she's crying
a man walks up to her and says "why are you crying?" she says "i've never been hugged before". he hugs her and leaves
he comes back later and says "why are you still crying?" she says "i've never been kissed before." he kisses her and leaves.
he comes back again and says"why are you still cyring?" she says "i've never been screwed before."
he picks her up and throws her into the ocean
"there. now you're screwed."
Post by: Spork on March 30, 2009, 08:28:07 pm
A: The milky baa kid!!!
Post by: Bobyoby on March 30, 2009, 09:11:36 pm
a) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired 'I Saw the Pope' in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed 'I Saw the Potato.'
b) In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
c) In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan 'finger-lickin' good' came out as 'eat your fingers off.'
d) Ford had a problem naming a car in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for 'tiny male genitals'. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
e) When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say, 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word 'embarazar' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said, 'It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'
f) The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means, 'bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, 'ko-kou-ko-le,' which can be loosely translated as 'happiness in the mouth.'
g) To even it up Will and Guy found this one from Coca Colas rival.
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' came out as 'Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.'
Post by: DRFT10 on March 31, 2009, 12:45:24 pm
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Post by: Bobyoby on April 04, 2009, 08:56:31 pm
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Post by: Chilli on April 08, 2009, 01:01:15 pm
aeroplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea....'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?
Post by: kim43 on April 10, 2009, 05:06:20 pm
these all are great..........
thank you for entertaning..........all of you doing awesome......
Thank you
Have a great fun...........
Post by: Xt1ncT on April 17, 2009, 09:19:49 am
very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced
was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'. !......
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:50:24 pm
--
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
--
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
--
A man walks into his doctor’s office after having taken several tests to learn the results. The doctor asks the man to sit down. "I have some bad news for you, Mr. Phillips. I am afraid that you have cancer and Alzheimer’s disease." The man replies, "Well, at least I don’t have cancer."
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:50:56 pm
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves...
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all... "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if thing don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:51:49 pm
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement Often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman Can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. (this term is rarely used)
THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:52:39 pm
"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side." "Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a master's degree At Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Tamara asked.
"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied."Then where in the fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that 'crude bullshit'?"
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:53:24 pm
--
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:55:28 pm
"Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare...?"
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:56:49 pm
--
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
--
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
Jesse Jackson was in Sears. He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white. The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."
Post by: Baldesto on April 22, 2009, 02:58:17 pm
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be"? The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "So am I, to be sure!"
"Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and Behold, it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let me see. Errrr, I graduated in 1964 to be sure."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight, thousands of miles away from Dublin, Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight." Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"? "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Post by: Chilli on April 23, 2009, 07:02:42 pm
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Post by: henno on April 24, 2009, 11:57:04 am
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741,
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.
Post by: TuataraDude on April 25, 2009, 05:16:09 am
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Sometimes,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, though!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Sometimes... my former doctor said that too much red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like the gym, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'Not as much I would like,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Post by: TuataraDude on April 27, 2009, 06:55:01 pm
Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not
and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically
correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality
and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1:Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't
be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had
a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you
save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS
NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give
you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on
your own time..
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Post by: Mr_St1nky on May 02, 2009, 12:01:23 pm
Then he saw a crowd of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
When the women saw him, they all went to the deep end. One of them called to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny-dipping or to make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he shouted, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Some men certainly think fast…
Post by: Buldric on May 04, 2009, 05:26:22 pm
God bless him, he's won every single race he's entered to date, and there's a rumour that he may even compete in the Illustrious Melbourne cup later this year if all keeps going well.
Family and friends keep asking me whether i think he's ready for the step up, and do i think he can win?
But to each i give the same reply " Win or Lose i don't much care, just as long as there's plenty of posh ladys in the stands screaming, Come on Myface! Come on Myface" :heheh: (i hope it's not too offensive)
Post by: HUGHJASS on May 04, 2009, 06:20:24 pm
Post by: HUGHJASS on May 04, 2009, 06:22:29 pm
Post by: HUGHJASS on May 04, 2009, 06:24:26 pm
Post by: LIKE my MEATSAC on May 04, 2009, 06:42:27 pm
Quote from: HUGHJASS;931076
4 THE FAT LOVERS AMOUNG U lol
this is bobzilla wife what a stud he must be lololol
Post by: [rEc] NONAME on May 05, 2009, 12:19:50 pm
The man at the counter says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on May 07, 2009, 10:22:32 am
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Stella Artois.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' "
She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Bet you a case of Stella you are!"
Post by: Krisby on May 07, 2009, 10:24:19 am
Post by: DRFT10 on May 07, 2009, 12:54:42 pm
--------------------------
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo?
"It's been a year!" I said.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot...
Post by: DRFT10 on May 07, 2009, 03:00:08 pm
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Rewa Hard girl,
"Ten?" says the Welfare worker..
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Rewa Hard girl, "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'
or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Rewa Hard girl... "I just use their surnames"
-----------------------------------
A North Shore girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Two Mangere girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Glenfield girl?
A. Granny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the Otara girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a Manukau girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the first question during a Papakura quiz night?
A. Whats you looking at Aa?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What does a Grey Lynn girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Two Mangere kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a boy and an Avondale girl?
A. An Avondale girl has a higher sperm count.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the most confusing day in Panmure?
A. Father's day
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post by: SteddieEddie on May 08, 2009, 01:09:30 pm
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter Said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV..
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the heck are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'
Post by: Forgive Me on May 09, 2009, 09:43:35 pm
Post by: Forgive Me on May 09, 2009, 10:37:34 pm
Post by: Baldesto on May 12, 2009, 01:58:12 pm
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Post by: SteddieEddie on May 14, 2009, 09:15:19 am
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
****
It gets worse........
next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Post by: darkFOX on May 14, 2009, 03:57:33 pm
2007 - Year of the Pig
2008 - Year of the Rat
2009 - Year of the Ox
Other than that, I've got no jokes. Not a very funny guy :(
Post by: Bobyoby on May 19, 2009, 10:27:12 pm
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
EDIT: LOL!!! i got neg repped by that douche again!! lol!! im not going to post in this thread again.
Post by: Spin on May 23, 2009, 12:47:34 am
Poke her Face
Post by: Baldesto on May 23, 2009, 08:41:57 pm
Post by: darkFOX on May 23, 2009, 08:45:25 pm
This thread never fails to make me laugh.
I'll up you one Baldy, I love you.
Post by: Baldesto on May 24, 2009, 10:44:16 am
--
Dan walks into his bedroom after his morning shower and says to Deb "You know love... every time I pass a mirror I get a hard on". She replies "I'm not surprised darling... even your dick thinks you're a cunt!"
--
Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here." "Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?""I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."
Post by: SteddieEddie on May 26, 2009, 08:26:20 am
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his fucking widow."
Post by: SteddieEddie on May 26, 2009, 04:57:16 pm
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite yer breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again
"Would ye let me bite yer breasts jist wan time fer £10,000?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
Post by: Spin on May 26, 2009, 08:40:18 pm
The man because he shouldn't of been driving in the kitchen
Post by: maorifulla on May 28, 2009, 10:17:45 am
He says to the Maori fulla "Hey, it looks like you caught a couple of undersize crayfish".
The Maori fulla says "Nah Bro' these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach every day for a swim and when I whistle, they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."
The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says "you should know it's illegal to catch undersized crayfish and he starts writing out a ticket for a fine".
Then the Maori fulla says "Nah Bro' they are pets, you just watch this" and he chucks the crayfish into the surf.
The MAF officer then says "OK, lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you then."
The Maori fulla says "What crayfish??"
Post by: SteddieEddie on May 30, 2009, 05:33:46 pm
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits
on the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says…….
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”
“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.
“Thank Christ for that……. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”
Post by: huey31415 on June 14, 2009, 12:12:35 am
other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took
the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said,
"I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll
get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the
physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other
attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the
physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney
picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat
back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this
go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This
animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Post by: Ngati_Grim on June 17, 2009, 03:28:34 pm
(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll47/Ngati_Grim/the_ball_of_kirriemuir.png)
'Twas the gathering o' the clans,
And all the Scots were there,
A-skirlin' on their bagpipes,
And strokin' pussy hair.
Chorus:
Singing, "Who hae ye, lassie,
Who hae ye noo?
The ane that hae ye last time
He canna hae ye noo."
Maggie McGuire, she was there
A-showin' the boys some tricks,
And ye canna hear the bagpipes
For the swishin' o' the pricks.
Sandy MacPherson, he was there
And on the floor he sat,
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself
And catchin' it in his hat.
The factor's wife, she was there,
Ass against the wall,
Shoutin' to the laddie boys,
"Come ye one an' all."
The factor's daughter, she was there,
Sittin' down in front,
A wreath of roses in her hair,
A carrot up her cunt.
The mayor's daughter, she was there
And kept the crowd in fits
By jumpin' off the mantle piece
And landin' on her tits.
The village idiot, he was there;
He was a perfect fool.
He sat beneath the oak tree
And whittled off his tool.
The chimney sweep, he was there,
But soon he got the boot,
For every time he farted,
He filled the room with soot.
Johnny McGregor, he was there,
A lad so brave and bold.
He pulled the foreskin over the end
And whistled through the hole.
Down in the square,
The village dunce he stands,
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself
And usin' both his hands.
There was fuckin' in the parlor.
There was fuckin' in the ricks.
Ye canna hear the music
For the swishin' o' the pricks.
There was fuckin' in the bedroom,
Fuckin' on the stair.
Ye canna see the carpet
For the come and curly hair.
The elders of the church,
They were too old to firk,
So they sat around the table
And had a circle jerk.
The bride was in the corner
Explainin' to the groom
The vagina, not the rectum,
Is the entrance to the womb.
The groom was excited
An' racin' 'round the hall
A-pullin' on his pecker
An' showin' off his balls.
The king was in the countin' house
A-countin' out his wealth.
The queen was in the parlor,
A-playin' wi' herself.
The queen was in the kitchen,
Eatin' bread and honey.
The king was in the kitchen maid
And she was in the money.
John Brown, the parson
Was quite annoyed to see
Four and twenty maidenheads
A-hangin' from a tree.
And when the ball was over,
The opinion was expressed:
Although they liked the music,
The fuckin' was the best.
Anon.
Post by: SteddieEddie on June 18, 2009, 11:09:51 am
Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids
Came back and one by one told their stories.
Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
Of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
And broke and made a mess.'
'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too,
But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
When they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'
'That was a fine story Emily.
Rangi , do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Ripeka. Aunty Rapeka was
A flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles
Of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down
So it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did Your
father tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Rapeka when she's been on the piss.'
Post by: 420fairy on June 18, 2009, 06:56:01 pm
Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
'Where in the hell have you been?
'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.
''A tattoo?' she frowned.
'What kind of tattoo did you get?
''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his
privates?'
Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a
hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.
Post by: Tiwaking! on June 24, 2009, 08:42:12 pm
You can kick a tractor and not lose your job as a sports presenter
Post by: SteddieEddie on July 01, 2009, 09:48:49 am
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't piss on my slippers.
Post by: Jakey on July 22, 2009, 06:12:50 pm
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Post by: SteddieEddie on July 24, 2009, 07:20:08 am
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.
Post by: SteddieEddie on August 06, 2009, 11:25:59 am
1. If you are over 38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2009, 11:29:40 am
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth... I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
--
Two fire-fighters are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!" The fire-fighter says "Well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation." The Chief says "Why the hell didn't you give him mouth to mouth then!?" The fire-fighter says "How do you think this shit got started?"
--
Husband asks "What would you do if I won lotto?" Wife says "I'd take half of it and leave you!" Husband replies "Excellent ...I won $12, here's $6, now FUCK OFF!!"
--
Hubby gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife. She says "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth."
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2009, 11:30:27 am
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.
He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realises the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by.
Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Does that make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off on the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2009, 11:31:02 am
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "SEE! FUCKING HURTS, DOESN'T IT?"
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2009, 11:31:52 am
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are well beyond her means?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "OR that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"OR how about that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "... leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2009, 11:32:43 am
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under water.
There!! See? It really does work! You're smiling already!!
Post by: SteddieEddie on August 07, 2009, 11:05:44 am
When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning
Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.
As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters!
If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.
We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone...cause that's how we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! with games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'.
Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
Do you hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ........ imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
Post by: Pitchey on August 08, 2009, 02:12:55 am
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
Post by: henno on August 18, 2009, 02:43:23 pm
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment..........................................
Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Post by: henno on August 24, 2009, 10:11:38 am
'Kevin, it's the Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sydney has burned to the ground... It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week'!
PM: 'S....! - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!'
Health Minister: 'We're going to have to ship some in from Britain ?'
PM: 'No chance! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!'
Health Minister: 'What about New Zealand ?'
PM: 'Ok, you call John Key - tell him we need ten million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect the Wallabies!'
Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds ten million condoms; 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured black and white, with a silver fern printed on each one and embossed with
MADE IN NEW ZEALAND
SIZE: Small
Post by: huey31415 on August 25, 2009, 09:09:22 pm
Post by: Pyromanik on August 25, 2009, 09:16:45 pm
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Post by: rank666 on August 28, 2009, 01:46:22 pm
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2009, 09:56:43 pm
--
A black guy goes to the doctors with a frog on his head and the doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" And the frog says, "I've got this large blackhead on my bum."
--
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum." The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor "What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first..."
--
A man went to a zoo. When he walked in there was only one dog. It was a shitzu.
--
A naked woman looked at herself in the mirror and said to her husband, "I look fat and ugly and I need you to say something complimentary about me ". He replied "you have perfect eyesight!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2009, 09:57:13 pm
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man." George said, "The second time is even better than the first time." Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?" George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh my, oh my!!" George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?" George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet."
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2009, 09:58:01 pm
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy?" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2009, 09:58:42 pm
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.
Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Fuck me!" says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 31, 2009, 09:59:43 pm
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.
Post by: Fobinator on September 01, 2009, 10:40:14 pm
- Because women have no rights
Post by: Blakbob on September 01, 2009, 11:06:29 pm
The Difference Between Small Breasts And Large Breasts
Women With Big Breasts…
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the centre of the arts
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Women With Small Breasts…
..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.
Post by: Baldesto on September 05, 2009, 06:44:24 pm
--
Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos. He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold". Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object. The same co-worker sees he has a thermos and asks, "What do you have in it?" He says, "Soup, and ice cream!"
--
The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
--
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Lisa," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mum," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."
--
A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realises she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says. "Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!" "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just home-sick."
Post by: Baldesto on September 05, 2009, 06:45:46 pm
Is it just me, or are 80% of the faces in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook, people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There were no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing at the right parts.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an client and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)... ummm... Goonies".
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 40km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
The other night I ordered takeaway. When I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Post by: Baldesto on September 05, 2009, 06:46:30 pm
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me..."
Post by: Baldesto on September 05, 2009, 06:47:03 pm
The deputy says, "License and registration, please." "What for?" asks the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop" says the deputy, "License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats impatiently..
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and without warning starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop... or just slow down?"
Post by: Baldesto on September 05, 2009, 06:47:42 pm
The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a suck my dick!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 05, 2009, 06:48:22 pm
The Springbok fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and took off his Springbok cap and placed it over the woman's left breast. Not to be outdone the New Zealand fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast. Similarly, the Australian fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.
Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by the police. They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.
The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes. Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.
For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Australian fan to the point where he went up to the officer.
"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Aussie fan. The officer replied "It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an Australian cap!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 05, 2009, 06:49:05 pm
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, $20.00". "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents."
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
Post by: camy205 on September 05, 2009, 06:57:31 pm
1+ dude
Post by: Emrico1 on September 05, 2009, 07:01:17 pm
Post by: Blakbob on September 05, 2009, 09:09:22 pm
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
[\lame sexist jokes]
Post by: BloodDonor on September 15, 2009, 04:31:39 pm
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea...'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Post by: TuataraDude on September 18, 2009, 07:46:13 am
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face .... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago.....
Post by: Baldesto on September 18, 2009, 09:25:08 am
--
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said."Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--
Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?""I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"
--
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur - be careful".
--
A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks."I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Yeah," the man says, "she's a sore loser."
--
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says "Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99."
--
Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn, throws three nails on the desk - and asks "can you put me up for the night?"
--
The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."
Post by: Baldesto on September 18, 2009, 09:25:50 am
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz". Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious..."
Post by: Baldesto on September 18, 2009, 09:26:44 am
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I've learned from my children:
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Post by: Baldesto on September 18, 2009, 09:27:22 am
About a year later the farmer and doctor meet on the street. The doctor says, "Hello there. How did your wife's delivery go?" "Just fine," replied the farmer. "No problems," asked the doctor? "Well," replied the farmer. "To be perfectly honest, I did have a hell of a time making her eat the after birth."
Post by: Baldesto on September 18, 2009, 09:28:24 am
"Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds." Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result.
The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.
After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt. "What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy." "Busy doing what?" "Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."
Post by: Baldesto on September 18, 2009, 09:28:56 am
After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more".
The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?" The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?""She's standing here next to me." The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!" The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 18, 2009, 09:44:17 am
--
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.
--
Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. Daughter: I just don't know, mum! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
--
There was a little boy who was learning how to count. He had mastered the halfway point to a hundred, but was having some problems afterward. One day, he was counting, and he got to 58... 59, and asked what came next. Mom told him, "Sixty. Sixty is the next number." When he got to 69, he asked, "What comes after 69?" His father was just walking in the door from work, heard only the question, and he replied, "Listerine!"
Post by: BloodDonor on September 23, 2009, 01:09:05 pm
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs and doors too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity, occasionally will nip at a finger.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet or plywood into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Thumbs are it's favorite target.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, and whatever's under them, as well as palms, fingers and thumbs, but only while in use.
Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Post by: BloodDonor on September 23, 2009, 01:10:01 pm
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch........ You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord..
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:23:47 pm
--
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
--
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say 'congratulations'. But none of them rub your dick and say 'well done'.
--
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
--
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine..."
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:24:38 pm
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the balls.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor, "She's a flute player in the Manchester Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:25:22 pm
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:26:01 pm
--
Q. How can you tell when an Aboriginal woman is having her period? A. She's only wearing one sock.
--
Guy goes into crowded bar and has to stand next to a really nasty looking drunk. He orders a drink and after it comes he smells a god awful smell coming from the drunk. So he ask him "Did you fart?" The drunk says he didn't. A minute or two later the smell hits him again and even worse that before. A real gagger. He asks the drunk again did you fart. He says no, but the smell was making his eyes water and his nose to run so he asks "Did you shit yourself? The drunk replies, "Yes I did." So the guy asks him why don't you go clean yourself up. He says, "Cause I'm not through yet!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:26:50 pm
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:31:00 pm
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:33:07 pm
"The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
Post by: Baldesto on September 25, 2009, 03:34:14 pm
"How so?" asks Pete.
"Well, I look at Riley and I say "Riley, go get 'em" and he hauls off into the marsh, then comes back and tells me how many ducks are out there by the number of times that he barks at me."
"Bullshit!"
"Okay, watch!" Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" and about 10 minutes latter, Riley comes back and barks 6 times. Just about that time 6 ducks fly out from the marsh.
Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" again and he comes back a while later and barks 4 times. 4 Ducks fly out from the marsh.
Pete says – "Holy shit! This dog is unbelievable. Can I buy him from you, name your price!"
"I don’t know Pete, I kinda like the dog, I don't think I can sell him."
"How 'bout $5,000?"
"SOLD!"
A few weeks go by and Fred runs into Pete down at the local feed store.
"How's my dog been treatin’ you?" says Fred.
"Aw, I had to shoot that damn dog 2 days ago."
"WHAT! Why did you shoot the dog?"
"Well, I took him out last weekend to the marsh for duck hunting and sent him off to the marsh just like you would and he was gone for almost an hour. He came back a runnin' as fast as he could out of the marsh with a stick in his mouth, went up to my leg and started humpin' me like I was the prom queen or somethin' and shakin' that stick all about. I thought he had rabbies or somethin', so I shot him."
"You dumb ass, he was tryin' to tell you that there were more fucking ducks than you can shake a stick at!"
Post by: TuataraDude on September 26, 2009, 08:52:44 am
He says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks , here's 6 now F*CK off!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 02, 2009, 01:55:28 pm
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Post by: Baldesto on October 02, 2009, 01:56:55 pm
--
Had sex with a deaf and dumb girl last night and felt so ashamed this morning I broke all her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone.
--
I saw a Paki drowning the other day and instantly contacted the emergency services. I hope they find him or it would have been the waste of a stamp!
--
What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker? I cried when I cut up the onion.
Post by: Baldesto on October 02, 2009, 02:06:18 pm
Bert replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *POOF*, the light goes on. When I'm done, *POOF*, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *POOF*!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *POOF* the light goes off?" "OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 03, 2009, 02:26:16 pm
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
Post by: Mr_St1nky on October 03, 2009, 08:15:58 pm
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".
Elton starts crying!
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"
Post by: DeeVeeOss on October 05, 2009, 08:32:53 am
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE....
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS, IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT , JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS..
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE I S.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE..
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL
OR HOCKEY.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING
Post by: Baldesto on October 06, 2009, 09:41:26 am
But she was dating someone else.
One day Doug got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Doug said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2009, 10:41:12 am
As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?" The Dentist replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead..."
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2009, 10:42:20 am
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2009, 10:49:59 am
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied."Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was a English Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2009, 10:53:21 am
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home.
Post by: Bobyoby on October 12, 2009, 10:45:36 am
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
Post by: Bobyoby on October 12, 2009, 10:49:21 am
On the first day of class, the teacher starts to take attendance to see if everybody was there.
After she goes through the list, she notices that four students were missing. As she starts the lecture, a student walks in late to class.
"Why are you late?" the teacher asks.
"I'm sorry, I was on top of Mayberry Hill this morning." he replies.
"Very well," says the teacher, "please take a seat." Minutes later onto the discussion, another student walks in late.
"What's your excuse for being late?" the teacher asks.
"I'm sorry ma'am, I was on top of Mayberry Hill this morning." he answers.
"Very well, please take a seat." the teacher says.
As soon as the student takes his seat and the teacher goes on to discussion, another student walks in late.
Frustrated, the teacher finds out that he was also on top of Mayberry Hill that morning, which caused him to be tardy.
And again, as soon as the student takes his seat, a girl walks late into class.
Angered by this, the teacher screamed at her, "LET ME GUESS! YOU WERE ON TOP OF MAYBERRY HILL THIS MORNING TOO!? AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LATE!?"
Confused with what's happening, the girl replies, "But ma'am, I am Mayberry Hill."
Post by: Chilli on October 15, 2009, 06:21:13 pm
“Well”, said the camel, “I think that’s an inappropriate question from someone whose dick is on his face.”
Post by: Baldesto on October 16, 2009, 04:22:20 pm
--
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful Woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines! The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "Its women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"
--
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
Post by: Baldesto on October 16, 2009, 04:23:22 pm
The bartender hollers out, "Sorry Mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is an old Chinaman." The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next day the miner is off back to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink and eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room and take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles."
The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had problems. All we got is that old Chinaman." This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds and says, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time he's gone for another month and when he returns he has two sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters, throws one of the bags on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and three of the prettiest women in town because I'm horny as hell."
Again the bartender says, "Sorry Mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the old Chinaman." This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs thinking about how horny he is and finally says, "OK, send the old Chinaman up."
The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance." The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for an old Chinaman?" The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that kinda shit either!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 16, 2009, 04:24:17 pm
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
Post by: Baldesto on October 16, 2009, 04:24:35 pm
"I dreamed that you found a much younger woman, and that you threw me out!" She blurted out impetuously. Then adding in a sort of a cynical way "Of course in just a few days, you came crawling by, and asked me to come back, tired of her whiny ways!" "And of course I told you to bite it!" She added forcefully.
He paused a minute before saying "That wasn't very nice of you!" After a minute, he thoughtfully asked her "How old was she?". "How old do you want her to be?" she responded nastily. "Nineteen!" He quickly answered. "Okay, she was nineteen!" She meekly returned. He thought about that for a long moment, before asking again "What did she look like?"
Now becoming just a little frustrated with him, and his cavalier attitude, she answered "I wasn't focused on that, I was thinking about my own situation and my own feelings" as she looked intently toward him. He rolled back in his chair, staring into space and said "Hell if she's nineteen, who cares what she looks like!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 16, 2009, 04:25:01 pm
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blondie wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Post by: Virus. on October 18, 2009, 03:24:00 pm
John- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?
Bob- Well, lemme give you an example. I see you have a doghouse. That leads me to believe you have a dog. If you have a dog, perhaps you have children. If you have children, then I would deduce that you have a wife. By having a wife, you are enforcing that you are a heterosexual.
John- That's pretty neat!
They part ways and John goes to talk to another neighbor, Jerry, who is watching the move.
Jerry- New neighbor, huh? What's he do?
John- He's a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.
Jerry- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?
John- Lemme give you an example. Do you have a dog?
Jerry- No, I don't.
John- Fag!
Post by: Bobyoby on October 18, 2009, 03:25:15 pm
Post by: Virus. on October 18, 2009, 03:27:59 pm
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story…
I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible !” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”
“Exactly.”
Post by: Virus. on October 18, 2009, 04:31:11 pm
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never finish a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem...
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@stard before dinner.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
Post by: Virus. on October 18, 2009, 04:45:20 pm
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments...
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Post by: Virus. on October 18, 2009, 05:01:17 pm
I brought my selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped.
Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "or are you going back there?"
Post by: Bobyoby on October 18, 2009, 06:35:48 pm
Unfortunately he missed one letter, and his note was sent to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving woman checked her email, she let out a piercing scream and colapsed on the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw the note on the screen, it read:
Dearest wife,
Just got checked in, everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
p.s. sure is hot down here
Post by: Bobyoby on October 18, 2009, 06:37:10 pm
There were three women trying to get into heaven, a brunette, a ginger, and a blonde. So an angel says, 'Okay, I'm going to tell you a 100 jokes, if you manage not to laugh at any of them, you can come into heaven.'
The ginger girl is a bit rubbish, and she laughs at the 3rd joke, so she gets sent to hell.
The brunette is slightly better, but laughs at the 50th joke and gets sent to hell.
Then, just as the angel is about to tell the 100th joke, the blonde starts laughing hysterically.
'Why the fuck are you laughing?' demands the angel, 'I haven't even told the joke you twat', so the blonde says:
'I just got the first one'
Post by: Bobyoby on October 18, 2009, 06:38:13 pm
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blondie wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Post by: Bobyoby on October 18, 2009, 06:39:51 pm
The 2nd man is truly amazed and asks: "My God, how on Earth did you manage to do that?"
The 1st man replies: "Well, the wind from the sea is bringing warm updrafts to the cliff. These are strong enough to support your body, allowing you to float back."
Amazed at the revelation, the 2nd man runs of the cliff and plummets to his death.
A 3rd man then says to the 1st man: "Bloody hell Superman, you really are cruel when your drunk."
Post by: swindle on October 18, 2009, 06:45:08 pm
Infinity Ward
Post by: Virus. on October 22, 2009, 09:00:47 pm
They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy
suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your
future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will
have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in
Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed.
"You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh,
there must be something I can do to help you. Please....tell me what I
can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my
oxygen supply for starters."
Post by: Virus. on October 22, 2009, 09:01:07 pm
table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Post by: Virus. on October 22, 2009, 09:11:40 pm
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
Post by: Virus. on October 22, 2009, 09:44:50 pm
something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about
to happen.
He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.
He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock.
He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure
enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio!
The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all
on the horse to win.
The horse ran third.
Post by: Virus. on October 22, 2009, 09:54:35 pm
the possible designers of the human body.
The first one said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."
The second said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The
nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Post by: Baldesto on October 23, 2009, 01:06:04 pm
--
I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
--
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
--
George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet. "Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?" "I'm riding a bus." "That's a fucking stupid thing to say!" "Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 23, 2009, 01:08:47 pm
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aunt." said the man. Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years...
Post by: Virus. on October 23, 2009, 11:31:01 pm
deep coma.
Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no
longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
from Quebec came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "
Post by: Virus. on October 23, 2009, 11:39:17 pm
A policeman walking down the road wonders what is going on. "Where is Carlos?, Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?"
He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter.
On the floor he spots Carlos. He's lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.
"Get back kids," he shouts.
Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the police station.
"Sarge, get someone down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the ice-cream man... ... He's topped himself."
Post by: Virus. on October 24, 2009, 11:22:53 am
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to
decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small
test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending
they were not at home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will
be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest -
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will
be a drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son
saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room,
carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse
than I could ever have imagined... "
"Our son is going to be a politician!"
Post by: Bobyoby on October 24, 2009, 01:02:09 pm
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
Post by: Bobyoby on October 24, 2009, 01:04:01 pm
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
Post by: Virus. on October 24, 2009, 04:58:22 pm
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its
usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times
its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously: "Sir, how dare you ask such a
question?" she says". I'm going to complain to my parents,who will
complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, butundaunted. He asks the
class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell
you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to
be sadly disappointed."
Post by: Virus. on October 24, 2009, 05:36:44 pm
people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Polish woman and have started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how
her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here
are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the
Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling
them both 'bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not
getting any.
Post by: Bobyoby on October 24, 2009, 06:01:59 pm
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” (Rita Rudner)
Post by: Virus. on October 24, 2009, 06:59:21 pm
about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so
he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would
portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd
like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,
Arnold?"
So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
Post by: Bobyoby on October 25, 2009, 12:10:04 am
They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Post by: Virus. on October 25, 2009, 05:25:47 pm
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out
of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so
sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead
fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and
a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off
was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned
them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split
right up the middle......."
The old woman fainted.
Post by: Spigalau on October 29, 2009, 08:51:29 am
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came flouncing down the aisle and said...
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so, lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no-one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bee-itch.'
Post by: Bobyoby on November 02, 2009, 09:49:08 am
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Post by: Mr_St1nky on November 08, 2009, 07:07:55 pm
A history teacher asks a class full of kids
'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear.. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....
This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'
'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear.. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....
This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'
Post by: Baldesto on November 10, 2009, 12:50:33 pm
Suddenly they're at the pearly gates and Saint Peter says “This is perfect. The gates need repair and I can get three estimates.”
He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $750.
Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this.
Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. Anthony replies, "Its easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba".
Post by: Baldesto on November 10, 2009, 12:51:28 pm
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Hughie and Teddy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Teddy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Hughie and Teddy at the grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord! Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Hughie and Teddy now work for the US Government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
Post by: Baldesto on November 10, 2009, 12:53:26 pm
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
Post by: Baldesto on November 11, 2009, 08:25:40 am
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."
Post by: maorifulla on November 12, 2009, 09:27:41 am
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."
Post by: Baldesto on November 13, 2009, 08:21:17 am
Post by: Baldesto on November 13, 2009, 08:26:54 am
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into the pub. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Colin, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
Post by: Baldesto on November 13, 2009, 08:46:13 am
This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan. Try it without looking at the answers. It works!
Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Then multiply by 3 again.
You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie. Good Luck !!
Your all time most watched movie is:
Answers from Test
1. Gone with the Wind.
2. Aliens.
3. Oliver.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
Post by: Bobyoby on November 13, 2009, 12:30:43 pm
If you take a long time, you're slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
If you don't do it, you're lazy. BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
If you make a mistake, you're an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.
If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.
If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
If you please your boss, you're ass-creeping. BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked!
Post by: Mr_St1nky on November 14, 2009, 12:19:38 pm
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,
'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
Post by: Spigalau on November 19, 2009, 09:13:44 am
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature..'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.'
(Gotta Love Military Time)
Post by: Baldesto on November 20, 2009, 09:21:46 am
--
Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn't realise what a virgin really looks like.
--
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle says. The mouse replies, "2000 feet!? You ain't shittin' me, are you?"
--
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked. His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said, "Oh, that's a Moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"
Post by: Baldesto on November 20, 2009, 09:23:25 am
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Post by: Baldesto on November 20, 2009, 09:24:34 am
"What about the wooden Leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, a lost the leg, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"Well what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
“Now I know you're kidding me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook."
Post by: Baldesto on November 20, 2009, 09:29:18 am
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute.
The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is." The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 20, 2009, 09:30:22 am
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning?
Post by: swindle on November 24, 2009, 10:33:40 pm
or
Quote
Mackey-IW: No, PC has custom stuff like mouse control, text chat in game, and graphics settings.
Post by: camy205 on November 24, 2009, 10:34:36 pm
That's a joke right?
Post by: DeeVeeOss on November 25, 2009, 04:37:30 pm
This year you have taken my favourite male actor, Patrick Swayze. You also took my favourite female actor, Farrah Fawcett Major and my favourite entertainer and dancer, Michael Jackson.
I want to be sure you know that Hone Harawera is my favourite politician.
Thanks.
Post by: Spigalau on November 25, 2009, 04:43:31 pm
Post by: Zarkov on November 25, 2009, 04:45:13 pm
Post by: Ngati_Grim on November 25, 2009, 06:15:09 pm
Post by: sponge on November 27, 2009, 04:41:21 pm
I called a suicide hotline....
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan ;
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Post by: Baldesto on November 27, 2009, 11:26:26 pm
--
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Post by: Baldesto on November 27, 2009, 11:26:58 pm
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old Jew's. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."
Post by: Baldesto on November 27, 2009, 11:27:21 pm
She turned to the stockman and asked, "Are you a real stockman?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking-in horse, droving cattle, riding in rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, marking and branding calves, cleaning hay sheds, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so, yeah, I guess I am a stockman."
She said, "Well I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old stockman and asked, "Are you a real stockman, like, from the outback?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Post by: Baldesto on November 27, 2009, 11:27:50 pm
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick any night."
Post by: Baldesto on November 27, 2009, 11:29:28 pm
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her mobile phone began to emit a 'BEEP BEEP BEEP'. The little boy yelled out, "Run for your fucking life everyone! She's reversing!!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 28, 2009, 07:55:09 am
So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"
I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."
Post by: Baldesto on November 28, 2009, 08:35:09 am
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Post by: Spork on December 04, 2009, 04:31:32 am
*Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies, similies, and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners . .
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Post by: bigROBOTbill on December 04, 2009, 12:26:10 pm
'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a
headache and sex at the same time?'
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs
this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting
on?"
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything
else"
A Jurby girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't
had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking
on the patio
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my
room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin,
I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the
symptoms to me". "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a
skinny bird with big blue hair!!"
My black-eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'....was definitely
the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for
my birthday?'
Post by: Baldesto on December 05, 2009, 08:42:41 am
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess Something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He Flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He Shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and Finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just What do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
Post by: Virus. on December 06, 2009, 12:12:22 pm
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
Post by: Virus. on December 06, 2009, 12:36:04 pm
Six Funny Life Lessons
April 16, 2007
by Carl Pei
Below are 6 very funny and true life lessons to be learned that I’ve received via email. Jokes aside, the insight gained is valuable to everyone and I somehow don’t think you’ll regret reading them. ;)
Lesson 1: Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
*EXTRA* Lesson 7: Popularity can be harmful (by Digg user outhouseinput :) )
A man decides to write a funny and informative collection of stories meant to drive home some interesting life lessons. While he was writing them, his wife came by and asked what he was doing. He explained to her that he wanted to send his friends something interesting to chat about at work the next day. His wife advised him to post it on an internet blog for fun. The husband took her advice, but negligently set up his own server without properly analyzing the potential for an instantaneous burst of Digg traffic. The site, therefore, went down in flames hosting a few paragraphs of text.
Moral of the story:
Don’t listen to your wife.
Post by: Emrico1 on December 06, 2009, 03:20:06 pm
How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass?
Very satisfying.
Post by: Virus. on December 12, 2009, 09:32:53 pm
One woman said to the others "you know, sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonaise in my hand, and can't remember if I am supposed to put it away or make a sandwich"
Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem.... sometimes I find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going up or coming down".
The third woman proclaimed "well, I'm glad I don't have your problems - knock on wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table three times and said "oh!, that must be the door, I'll get it!"
Post by: Virus. on December 12, 2009, 09:35:25 pm
They decided that the shots were so bad that they'd just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy looks and looks and finally finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups.
He promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature gets mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year".
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"
The man looked up and said "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."
Post by: Virus. on December 12, 2009, 09:43:52 pm
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Post by: Virus. on December 12, 2009, 09:44:51 pm
Southern medical terms
Benign..................... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium..................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.................. Made eye contact with her.
Colic...................... A sheep dog.
Coma....................... A punctuation mark.
D&C........................ Where Washington is.
Dilate..................... To live long.
Enema...................... Not a friend.
Fester..................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..................... A small lie.
Genital.................... Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series................. World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain................. Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient................. A person who has fainted.
Pelvis..................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................. Hiding something
Seizure.................... Roman emperor.
Tablet..................... A small table.
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor...................... More than one.
Varicose................... Near by/close by
Post by: Virus. on December 12, 2009, 10:02:37 pm
As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided.
The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit.
Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."
Post by: Virus. on December 13, 2009, 08:31:31 pm
restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting
out the windows and doors.
The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty
eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place,
and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video.
I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."
"Wait a second, your honour," said the lawyer, "My client may be
guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help
his behaviour that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the
dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."
The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary
into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and
white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
Post by: Virus. on December 13, 2009, 08:38:09 pm
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the lane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel ike a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
Post by: Virus. on December 13, 2009, 08:48:46 pm
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50
ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to
move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till
we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the
wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
10."Last one off the plane must clean it."
11.From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
12.Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA
and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13.Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
14.An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15.After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.
16.Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in
a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
US Airways."
Post by: Virus. on December 13, 2009, 08:52:19 pm
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The
train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train,
looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary
soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and
chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You
eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong
side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
window."
Post by: Virus. on December 13, 2009, 09:56:02 pm
ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he
settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his
way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom
business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he
bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he
realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly
set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He
knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the
interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have
no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything
different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very
young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and
he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv
was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact
lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How
in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
Post by: Virus. on December 13, 2009, 10:12:06 pm
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until
a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...
Post by: Virus. on December 14, 2009, 12:20:41 am
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.
Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender
association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English,
of course, words are of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine.
One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
feminine gender (la) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spendin half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the masculine (le) gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better
model.
Post by: Virus. on December 14, 2009, 12:21:45 am
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no
find him!"
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"
Post by: maorifulla on December 14, 2009, 08:04:37 am
He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that
sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.
Post by: Virus. on December 14, 2009, 11:29:21 am
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.
She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.
Post by: Pyromanik on December 15, 2009, 10:41:39 am
Post by: maorifulla on December 15, 2009, 02:42:29 pm
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
Post by: Virus. on December 16, 2009, 05:27:59 pm
notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees
oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops
at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla
ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess
trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and
says,It looks like you blew a seal.
No, no, the Penguin replies. "It's ice cream!"
Post by: Virus. on December 21, 2009, 12:03:09 am
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
Post by: Virus. on December 21, 2009, 04:24:38 pm
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:41:47 am
--
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful cunts. All I said was "hurry up for fucks sake - some of us have homes to go to!"
--
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.
--
A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK?"
--
Two girls were comparing their experiences at the company's annual Christmas party. "Did you get laid, Sherry?" "Twice." "Only twice?" "Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!
--
Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? A: My bike.
--
Tampax has announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only...
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:42:30 am
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas! I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is."36" replied the man."Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" he chuckled.
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:43:14 am
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, sausage company president P. J. Mancinelli, went over to the chief and told him that all of the family's 'secret' sausage recipes were in the vault in the centre of the plant, and offered to donate $50,000 to the fire company if it saved them.
The blaze quickly became a five-alarm inferno, additional departments were called in as the situation became more desperate and the chances of getting to the safe containing the recipes looked hopeless, regardless of the reward.
Onlookers and fire-fighters watched as an old fire truck of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire Department, composed mainly of Italian fire-fighters over the age of 65, raced into view with siren screaming, the fire-fighters pounding on the sides of the truck.
The badly faded red 1932 Ford truck drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other fire fighters watched in amazement as the old Italians jumped off and attacked the fire like men possessed. Within a short time the Lodi old timers had beaten the fire back in the middle of the building and saved the 'secret' recipes.
Company president Mancinelli announced that for such a "superhuman accomplishment" he was upping his donation to $100,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the elderly Italian fire-fighters, particularly the Chief.
A local TV news crew had been covering the fire and the reporter asked the Italian fire chief what he was going to do with all the money.
"Wella," said 70-year-old Lodi fire chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, "de fursta ting we gonna do isa fixa de brakes ona dat fuckin' truck!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:44:13 am
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:45:16 am
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks?
What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A- BITCH.
Sincerely, Little Johnny
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:45:52 am
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:46:38 am
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."
Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
Post by: Baldesto on December 23, 2009, 08:49:51 am
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they all are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a bucket, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said: 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf"... and she said: "Here, you'll need a sweater".
and that ladies an gentlemen, is it for another year, have a good one......
cheers, Baldy
Post by: Baldesto on December 24, 2009, 09:23:31 am
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Post by: Pagan on December 26, 2009, 05:58:38 pm
Post by: Virus. on January 03, 2010, 10:02:55 am
to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. "Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too, you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look.
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh
equipment ?"
"That's right.
Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to
work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me
to hold while I'm getting ready for action
... Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!!"
Post by: Lone-Star on January 05, 2010, 10:10:25 pm
Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for just $1.00
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!
Post by: SteddieEddie on January 06, 2010, 08:52:16 am
Post by: Baldesto on January 09, 2010, 07:52:47 am
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, t-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry'.
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?" The old man answered, "Ah... evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?" "It me, me him!" replied the old man. "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?" "It simple" said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at "Documentation Centre of Immiglation." Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland." "Lady at counter look at him and say to him, '"What your name?' He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'
Post by: Baldesto on January 09, 2010, 07:53:36 am
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed in awe of the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows? "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
Post by: Baldesto on January 09, 2010, 07:54:04 am
Post by: Baldesto on January 09, 2010, 08:05:45 am
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It's impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No" and instead ask for a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and once again on Sunday.
Post by: TofuEater on January 09, 2010, 08:19:06 am
A Lufthansa flight was waiting to take off and a passenger hadn't boarded the aircraft, so they were delayed. In the airline game you have to announce your intentions to air traffic control 2 minutes before you start your engines, so they can ensure that you fit into the takeoff sequence.
Because of the delay, Air traffic control called up the Lufthansa flight and asked if they were ready to commence engine start. Lufthansa called back and advised that the passenger was missing: "There is a jewish passenger who hasn't boarded yet. We will be delayed. We are looking for them now."
As quick as a flash an anonymous voice (with an Australian accent) was heard to reply: "have you checked the ovens?"
Post by: Zarkov on January 09, 2010, 09:26:33 am
Post by: TofuEater on January 11, 2010, 10:49:04 am
On topic:
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No...Salty."
Post by: liquidpain on January 15, 2010, 01:12:22 am
Quote from: TofuEater;1047841
"have you checked the ovens?"
terrible... especially from a professional pilot.
Post by: Baldesto on January 17, 2010, 11:31:49 am
--
Confucius say: "Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."
--
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're A CUNT!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 17, 2010, 11:33:22 am
"Where to?" he stammered. "Milton Road", answered the woman. "OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?" "Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 17, 2010, 11:36:09 am
Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...
- "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."
- "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
- Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."
- On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."
- "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
- "The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
- "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
- "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"
- "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
- Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
- "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
- "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
- On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
- "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
- "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."
- "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
- "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."
- "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"
- "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
- On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Post by: zolteg on January 17, 2010, 11:57:12 am
Quote from: liquidpain;1050665
terrible... especially from a professional pilot.
Ah, but 'professional' just means you get paid for it, as opposed to 'amateur' which implies you aren't.
There's no measure of quality involved in calling someone 'professional'. After all, hookers are professionals - the rest of us are just enthusiastic amateurs.
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Post by: Baldesto on January 19, 2010, 10:09:45 am
The mother asks why on earth he would need that.
The little boy replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard?
Post by: Baldesto on January 22, 2010, 07:40:40 am
--
Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Vito answered, "No... he minded his own fucking business!!
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Grand, happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did just dat and we had a grand time," says the bemused Irish fella, "but der's still fifty quid left so we're going to the pub..."
Post by: Baldesto on January 22, 2010, 07:42:29 am
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Post by: Baldesto on January 22, 2010, 07:49:03 am
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
Post by: Baldesto on January 22, 2010, 07:49:35 am
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
The woman says "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me". The Doctor replies "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 22, 2010, 10:48:08 am
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have been released today."
Post by: BloodDonor on January 25, 2010, 10:28:20 am
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
Post by: swindle on January 25, 2010, 10:45:05 am
The poor guy asks the rich guy, "what did you get your wife for her birthday?"
The rich guys tells him, "a new bmw, and a diamond ring"
Poor guy asks, "why those things"
Rich guy says, "well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new bmw, either way, shes happy"
So the rich guy asks the poor guy, "what did you get your wife?"
Poor guy tells him, "slippers, and a dildo"
Rich guy asks, "what? why?"
Poor guy tells him, "so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself"
Post by: Baldesto on January 29, 2010, 05:44:50 pm
--
A wee Irish boy is sat crying by the side of the road. A lady eventually wanders by and asks, "What's wrong, son?" The boy says," Me Mama just died." "Oh bejaysus," says the kindly lady, "Do you want me to fetch Father O'Reilly?" The wee boy quickly replies, "No thanks, missus. Sex is the last ting on moi mind roight now...
--
Please DO NOT call Muslims "Towel Heads". Those are NOT towels on their heads. They are small sheets like the kind used on a baby's crib. Now that you are aware, you must start calling them "SHEET HEADS". You don't have to thank me. I'm just doing this as a public service...
--
Two Native American Indians were walking through the desert. One suddenly stops and puts his ear to the ground. He stands up, looks off into the distance and says "buffalos come." The second says "How do you know?" The first replies "face sticky!"
--
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Wow... it works."
Post by: Baldesto on January 29, 2010, 05:47:32 pm
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Post by: Baldesto on January 29, 2010, 05:57:52 pm
Host: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?" Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
Host: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" Simon: "No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
Host: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be tonight?" Simon: "Well tonight I am going to be Simon and Half-Uncle."
Post by: Lone-Star on January 29, 2010, 09:05:45 pm
He was chuffed to bits.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?!!
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Post by: Baldesto on February 05, 2010, 05:08:40 pm
Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.
One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan. Shocked and excited he rushes out the door to find a doctor.
The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "Sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"
So the doctor steps out to give the couple some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks what happened?
The man looks at the doctor "Doctor my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked... and now she's gone." The doctor asks "But... how is that possible?" The man replies "She choked..."
Post by: Baldesto on February 05, 2010, 05:09:06 pm
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead... Take it out..." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused… the man closed his eyes and whispered... "Well... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips tentatively and said "Hello. Mum... can you hear me?"
Post by: Baldesto on February 05, 2010, 05:09:25 pm
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" "I can't afford any on the money you give me" she protests. He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Post by: Baldesto on February 05, 2010, 05:10:21 pm
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich then?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Post by: Baldesto on February 05, 2010, 05:11:24 pm
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs off to fetch her husband. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
Post by: Baldesto on February 05, 2010, 05:11:43 pm
The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says "There, there. Look, why don't you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest".
"Thanks, boss, but I think I'll be better off here" says the blonde. "I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work".
Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.
When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. "Are you sure you're OK?" he asks her. "No", exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too".
Post by: Baldesto on February 05, 2010, 05:12:02 pm
--
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
--
Kids know far too much these days. This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied, "I don't think so. He's doing her up the arse!"
--
I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
Post by: Baldesto on February 12, 2010, 04:35:40 pm
--
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked "Where are you taking me for my birthday?"
--
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. The salesman say, "Hello, son. Is your mum or dad home?" The little boy responds, "What the hell do you think?"
--
An Aboriginal guy was driving along the road when he noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Islander bloke carrying a baseball bat. The Islander proceeds to smash the side window of the guy's car. With that he jumps up and starts yelling "What the fuck are you doing bro!?" The Islander replied "Cool it, bro. If you takin' da wheels don't put no shit on me for takin' da CD player!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 12, 2010, 04:37:30 pm
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel".
Post by: Baldesto on February 12, 2010, 04:38:00 pm
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl's is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her ass in it.
Post by: Baldesto on February 13, 2010, 10:24:23 am
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."
Post by: Baldesto on February 25, 2010, 08:07:15 am
--
Toyota have announced that they will be taking part in Formula 1 this year after all. They reckon they'll be unstoppable.
Post by: Baldesto on February 25, 2010, 08:07:55 am
Can you cry under water?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Why does the phone only ring when you're taking a shit?
Post by: Baldesto on February 25, 2010, 08:08:22 am
Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Post by: Baldesto on February 25, 2010, 08:09:00 am
The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a-runnin'."
About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time really depressed. "What's wrong?" asked the doctor. "Didn't you take my advice?" "Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week," moaned the farmer. "I haven't seen her since."
Post by: Baldesto on February 26, 2010, 05:29:46 pm
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Post by: Baldesto on February 26, 2010, 05:35:49 pm
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember."
Post by: DeeVeeOss on March 03, 2010, 07:52:42 am
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Post by: DeeVeeOss on March 03, 2010, 09:02:58 am
Due to his experiences in handling the indigenous situation in New Zealand, he spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Harawira with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - 'Walking Eagle'. The proud Maori then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Harawira.
They explained that 'Walking Eagle' is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
Post by: Baldesto on March 05, 2010, 05:26:08 pm
--
I took my Biology exam last Friday, but didn't do so well. I was asked to name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, 'black people' is not the correct answer.
--
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
Post by: Baldesto on March 05, 2010, 05:28:05 pm
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
LAW OF THE ALIBI - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
VARIATION LAW - If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF THE THEATER AND FOOTBALL STADIUM - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
THE COFFEE LAW - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
DOCTORS' LAW - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 01:30:06 pm
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 01:50:06 pm
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 01:55:54 pm
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 02:05:38 pm
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that, 'Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 02:12:53 pm
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since
the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line in the British army for the last
300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Canadians are holding a public enquiry on the matter, have hired
federal teams of bilingual grief counsellors and are controlling the
situation through pieces of carefully-worded legislation which are currently
on hold as the House is not sitting.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa"to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy
some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one
more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain,
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"
and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted
use of the final escalation level.
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 02:15:57 pm
could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue .
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you
hit her with the shovel.'
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 02:16:57 pm
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses"..
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 02:21:36 pm
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’
‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.
‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.
‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’
‘I know, ‘ Melissa says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.’
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 03:36:49 pm
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course in Spain ,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Post by: Virus. on March 08, 2010, 04:15:55 pm
He was chuffed to bits.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we
meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two
friends?!!
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "NO!". Husband replies "Thats the
spirit!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2010, 07:38:40 pm
--
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
--
Roy, the poofta, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roy, I'm not going to beat around the bush you have AIDS." Roy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Doc says "Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, a box of All Bran, and top it off with a litre of prune juice". Roy asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for!"
--
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2010, 07:39:49 pm
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Why don't hospitals start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
I recently bought a fridge freezer from Curry's, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Curry's?
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is... who's sending the other one?
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Supermarkets... help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.
Every time I use my local cash point, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Post by: Baldesto on March 14, 2010, 07:42:38 pm
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want". The Lord said, "That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
And the Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Post by: camy205 on March 14, 2010, 08:08:33 pm
1+ for the rest of you life!
Post by: Baldesto on March 19, 2010, 08:10:14 am
--
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
--
A young man picks up a streetwalker and goes to her hotel. After negotiating the price for her time he decides that he wants to begin his experience by going down on her. After a few moments he comes up and spits out a piece of potato. He shrugs and dives back in as he is too horny to care. Again he pops up and this time spits out a chunk of roast beef and a bit of carrot. This too much for him. "WTF!" he cried, "Are you sick?" "No, I'm not sick." she replied, "But my last customer was!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 19, 2010, 08:12:05 am
DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!
DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.
DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!
Post by: Baldesto on March 19, 2010, 08:13:10 am
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought".
Post by: Baldesto on March 19, 2010, 08:16:24 am
Your last name stays put. Blame the civilization of a thousand years ago. The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves. Since when has a woman ASKED for a man's opinion on the wedding?? You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. When was the last time you tried on a pair of men's shoes? One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. A 5-day vacation requires two suitcases for a mature man. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Chocolate is just another snack.
Post by: Baldesto on March 19, 2010, 08:17:46 am
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, "E-G-G". "Very good", says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. "T-O-A-S-T". "Excellent."
Little Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had Bugger all", he says, "B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L". The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Little Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast".
Post by: Lone-Star on March 19, 2010, 07:31:44 pm
Post by: Pyromanik on March 19, 2010, 08:17:14 pm
Post by: 420fairy on March 24, 2010, 01:49:58 pm
A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______
___ _______
REPLY
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter
command: ithoughtyoulovedme. HTML and try to downloadTears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software
To improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good
Luck Madam!
Post by: Easymeat56k on March 25, 2010, 04:35:10 pm
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Post by: Ngati_Grim on March 25, 2010, 06:21:51 pm
Post by: Baldesto on March 26, 2010, 12:14:56 pm
--
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy did I give her a mouthful.
--
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets, Finally, after many glances from her he said "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
--
Cyril was driving down High Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back." Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Post by: Baldesto on March 26, 2010, 12:15:24 pm
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?" About 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!" Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'goats'!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 26, 2010, 12:16:10 pm
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
Post by: Baldesto on March 26, 2010, 12:16:44 pm
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make £39,000 a year and you get $2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 02, 2010, 10:48:53 am
--
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mummies tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."
--
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in thm geschissen!" Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!" The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The Amish man shouts back in English "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 02, 2010, 10:49:28 am
One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Post by: Baldesto on April 02, 2010, 10:49:50 am
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Post by: Virus. on April 09, 2010, 05:15:27 pm
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca ... and Gary ...
English 44A, SMU
Creative Writing
Professor Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish partical beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
Post by: Virus. on April 10, 2010, 03:08:35 pm
Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local
technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and
Learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score
of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there
is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the
instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through
the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
Post by: The Doctor on April 11, 2010, 11:33:15 pm
Post by: henno on April 14, 2010, 10:40:36 pm
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Post by: Baldesto on April 16, 2010, 08:52:58 am
--
Recently a Para Unit captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan. They took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice. The Sergeant says, "Roll the dice and if you get 1 2 3 4 or 5 your head comes off." The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6?" The Sergeant says... "You get to throw again."
--
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Post by: Baldesto on April 16, 2010, 08:53:21 am
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
Post by: Baldesto on April 16, 2010, 08:54:08 am
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 25 million is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and quietly says, "Ask him again."
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried two feet from the east wall behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" "Well," the lawyer replies, "he says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Post by: Baldesto on April 16, 2010, 08:54:41 am
He is getting really sick of his condition and decides to go to the best plastic surgeon he can find and tells him of his terrible problem. The doctor asks what he would like to do and the guy says he wants the biggest dick possible and money is no problem. The surgeon hesitates and says that he knows of a new medical break-through in this particular field and that it is risky but it has been done once before. The man asks what it is and the doc replies that it is a baby elephant trunk transplant and it is the biggest you can get. The man demands it without hesitation and after the surgery was complete a couple of weeks later and the swelling went down the guy was ready to show this thing off.
He spots a cute girl in the office and confidently asks her out to dinner in a fancy restaurant. That night at dinner they are sitting down and chatting and the man gets the idea to unzip and give her a quick flash before the mains arrives but the second he unzips the baby elephant trunk shoots up from between his legs, grabs a bread roll off of the table, and shoots back down inside the zipper.
The woman is amazed and shocked and so is he and she gets really excited and asked him to do it again. The man says "I can't. I don't think I can fit another bread roll up my arse".
Post by: Baldesto on April 16, 2010, 08:55:04 am
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Oh well in that case stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Post by: Stephens on April 16, 2010, 08:57:39 am
Post by: Baldesto on April 17, 2010, 07:54:26 am
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
The Nun then enquired:
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
Post by: henno on April 17, 2010, 05:01:46 pm
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet", she replied..
Post by: Baldesto on April 23, 2010, 10:05:47 am
--
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear-ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy standing there with his hands on his hips says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, buddy!" The truck driver laughs and says, "Blow me!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this! He wants to settle out of court!"
--
Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says. "Well, before you jump how bout giving me a blowjob?" So, she does. After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"."My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
Post by: Baldesto on April 23, 2010, 10:06:31 am
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 23, 2010, 10:06:48 am
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."
Post by: Baldesto on April 23, 2010, 10:08:25 am
The shepherds agreed. The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realised that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all..."
He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"What? What?!!" shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!" "Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one!!?"
Post by: Baldesto on April 23, 2010, 10:08:38 am
When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went over to the next aisle to find it. From the next aisle Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 24, 2010, 09:02:45 am
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Post by: SteddieEddie on April 25, 2010, 08:51:51 am
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'
A woman buys a wall mirror from A Mart, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' She said no 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?
Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
Recession beater - Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'
Husband replies ' if you'd let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks cock '
Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes
'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform
to you?'
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
The local mosque are having a bonfire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don't know about it yet!
Post by: SteddieEddie on April 25, 2010, 08:54:46 am
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"Well the Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
Post by: SteddieEddie on May 13, 2010, 10:13:25 am
A state wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.
They hit the guy 68 times. Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "
Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what !
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes . When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied "when you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."
Post by: camy205 on May 21, 2010, 07:40:32 am
Post by: 420fairy on June 02, 2010, 11:02:14 am
Quote from: camy205;1268408
Thanks for the neg rep Crazy_Whitey. You uptight PC twat.
LOL you clearly dont know Whitey at all do you.
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:32:06 pm
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:33:23 pm
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:37:47 pm
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but
before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:51:34 pm
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:53:11 pm
The Italian from Massachusetts fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from Massachusetts said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?'
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:54:14 pm
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:55:36 pm
___________
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled...
'For f*#k's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 08:57:25 pm
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis".
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day".
___________________________
Preacher at the Destiny Church ....... To His Congregation
"Anyone with needs to be prayed for, can come forward to the altar!"
Rangi stood in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked:
"Rangi, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Rangi replied: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher put one finger in Rangi's ear, and he placed the other hand on top of
Rangi's head and prayed and prayed and prayed for Rangi.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Rangi, how is your hearing now?"
Rangi replied, "I dunno . it's not until next Wednesday."
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 09:00:46 pm
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The man who fell in an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 09:01:23 pm
Doctor: “My God… what happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home after a few beers he beats me up.”
Doctor: “Well I have a really good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just make a cup of green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your mouth.
Don’t drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while.”
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks all healthy and fresh again.
Woman: “Doc, the green tea thing was brilliant!. Every time my husband came home drunk, I sipped and swirled repeatedly with green tea and now he never touches me.”
Doctor: “Excellent… so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!”
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 09:02:44 pm
A little black boy called Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 09:04:08 pm
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Hammer Hardware and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is £500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
Post by: Virus. on June 02, 2010, 09:04:48 pm
"It's too early to tell jokes about Iceland and the volcano - we should
wait until the dust settles."
"Forget Al-Quada. You annoy Iceland; we shut down all your airports."
"When Iceland's economy died, its last wish was to have its ashes spread
all over Europe."
"Iceland goes bankrupt, and then it manages to set itself on fire. This
has insurance scam written all over it!"
"Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup." "I know, it's a no-fly zone."
Post by: Ultrarandom on June 06, 2010, 05:09:05 pm
________
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Post by: Ultrarandom on June 06, 2010, 05:13:42 pm
______
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t."
Post by: Baldesto on June 28, 2010, 03:39:36 pm
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:11:57 pm
It has been a very poor week for me at University, especially in Biology.
I did my biology exam last Friday and I was asked to name one thing commonly found in cells…......
Apparently " Maoris " is not the correct answer.
I did my biology exam last Friday and I was asked to name one thing commonly found in cells…......
Apparently " Maoris " is not the correct answer.
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:12:23 pm
"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - (Jono Gibbs - Chiefs)
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - (Rodney
So'ialo - Hurricanes)on University
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle." - (Colin Cooper - Hurricanes
head coach)
Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during
his visit to Egypt : "I can't really remember the names of the clubs
that we went to."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito
Kevin Senio ( Auckland ), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically
the same, just darker."
David Nucifora ( Auckland ) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David,
I don't know and I don't care.'
David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want
to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."
"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray
Mexted)
"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)
"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play." ( Murray Mexted)
"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then
they scored." (Phil Waugh-Waratahs)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry
Collins)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was
identical." (Tony Brown)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana
Umaga)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them
serious." (Doc Mayhew)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."(Anton Oliver)
"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14,
but there are none better." ( Murray Mexted)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)
Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Tana Umaga: "On what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."( Murray Mexted)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
for even longer."( Murray Mexted)
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:27:48 pm
He stared up at the man who smiled gently back at him, then said in a big, booming voice: “Six Feet Seven! 250 pounds! Penis twelve inches, testicles a half a pound each! TURNER BROWN!”
Paddy fainted and a few minutes later he woke up with the Big Man standing over him.
“I'm sorry” the big man said, “It's just that I am always asked for my vital statistics and I thought I would give them to you before you asked me!”
“I am 6 feet 7 inches tall, my private part is 12 inches long, my balls weigh over a half a pound each and my name is Turner Brown!”
“Sweet Jesus”!! Paddy said, “I thought you said, ‘TURN AROUND!”
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:28:47 pm
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:29:38 pm
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realise I was talking to the sheep."
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:43:20 pm
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day.
---------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am
in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a
day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no
brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's
fu*king hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'
The reply from his friend......'You're so fu*king lucky...Mine's still
alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells,
'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t!'
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:44:17 pm
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really, really hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:45:44 pm
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
money.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave
a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to
you.
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:49:21 pm
Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published read:
"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech telecommunications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".
One week later, the South Wales Echo reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in the pasture near his house in the Rhondda, Dai Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely Fuck all boyo! Dai has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Wales had already gone wireless."
Makes a man proud to be Welsh!
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 03:53:30 pm
The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 04:03:27 pm
"Classy" & famous insults.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.- Groucho Marx.
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 04:07:59 pm
'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?'She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
What were you thinking?
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 04:08:24 pm
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....
"Yes?" asks St. Peter. .
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. ..
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
Post by: Virus. on July 05, 2010, 04:09:48 pm
over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
The first Arab pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures,
and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other.
"Yes, and this is my second son. He's a martyr also."
"A fine looking young man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his friend.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Post by: BerG on July 05, 2010, 06:30:18 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;1251449
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers!"
Can someone explain?
Post by: BushySB on July 05, 2010, 08:57:26 pm
Post by: Virus. on July 06, 2010, 10:18:37 am
Post by: Dr Woomanchu on July 06, 2010, 10:28:35 am
Quote from: BerG;1284874
Quote from: Baldesto;1251449A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers!"
Can someone explain?
Final proof that the manly Berg has never actually been with a girl ;)
Post by: Baldesto on July 10, 2010, 09:18:19 pm
IF YOU'RE A FEMALE...
1. Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2. Put a little water on it.
3. Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4. Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5. For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6. Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything).
7. Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants. Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8. With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9. Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this).
10. Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11. At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12. Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13. Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole.
14. Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15. Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like you're on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16. Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17. Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18. I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
IF YOU'RE A MALE...
1. Read this.
2. Rub penis.
Post by: Baldesto on July 10, 2010, 09:22:33 pm
The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads. Twenty minutes later, the man approaches the ladies and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good." The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?" The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?" The second woman replies, "Lesbians... we like to lick pussies." The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
Post by: Baldesto on July 10, 2010, 09:23:58 pm
--
A young army private was home on leave. He was talking to his father about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. "Dad," he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door of the plane. A big black master sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram all 12 inches of dick up my ass." "Well, did you jump?" asks the father. "Well... just a little at first" he said...
--
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married. "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."
Post by: Baldesto on July 10, 2010, 10:36:05 pm
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does an Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Post by: Baldesto on July 16, 2010, 08:45:53 am
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"OR that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "... leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give those bastards any money, what makes you think I'll give any to you!?!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 16, 2010, 08:49:53 am
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly beat the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. Our best people worked for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing!" an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 16, 2010, 08:50:44 am
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers." Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Post by: Baldesto on July 16, 2010, 08:51:26 am
Then I saw a King Brown snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my trusty bottle of Bundaberg Rum (a Bundy Boy never travels without it) and poured a little rum in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Post by: Baldesto on July 16, 2010, 09:10:01 am
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
Post by: SteddieEddie on July 26, 2010, 08:18:09 am
He drives out to the farm, thinking about who he is going to spend his money and when he steps out of his BMW he steps right into a cow pat. He starts screaming HELP ME HELP ME i am melting
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:02:06 am
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:02:21 am
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I 'ave some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "De wrong feet! You got dem on de wrong feet!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:02:40 am
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY...!!"
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing! Jeez, I just can't win!!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:02:56 am
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:03:19 am
The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boy's gym shorts"
"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts." "No they're not," says the first, "They're boy's shorts!"
The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no... Definitely girl's gym shorts!"
The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boy's shorts!", "No, girl's shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts... but not from my parish!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:03:32 am
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car.
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:04:00 am
The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily Chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I cannot change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our Daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The Church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel Gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." "Let me get back to you!" says the Pope.
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The Good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:04:24 am
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Post by: Baldesto on July 30, 2010, 08:04:38 am
--
Two Indian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care. One has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.
--
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and gargled a whole litre of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here"? "WHY"? Jerry asked, "Does my breath smell like pussy"? "Ha no!" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like shit..."
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2010, 07:17:51 am
--
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up suddenly and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
--
Hey mate, really need your advice for a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs: phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid beside the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the car and noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket... is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2010, 07:18:51 am
CAUCASIAN WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
JAPANESE WOMEN
First date: She"s shy, so you don"t get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She"ll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.
MALAY WOMEN
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are going to get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens either.
Third date: You don"t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob.
Second Date: You get another great blowjob.
Third Date: You tell her you"ll marry her and never get head again.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex.
Second Date: you give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister.
Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2010, 07:20:36 am
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2010, 07:22:54 am
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Becky are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Becky's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Becky." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Becky makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little cunt is adorable.
Post by: Baldesto on August 06, 2010, 07:24:12 am
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Post by: Baldesto on August 13, 2010, 07:42:18 am
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook", replied the pirate.
Post by: Baldesto on August 13, 2010, 07:45:27 am
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
"Damn!" I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think "Oh God please die... pleeeease die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realised a few things:
1. Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Post by: Baldesto on August 13, 2010, 07:46:18 am
After the wedding festivities, as Jenny prepares herself for bed the 'expected' knock at the door came, she opens it and there is Roger... her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, after a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger again! He is ready for more 'action'. Surprised, Jenny consents. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep but before she knew it there was Roger knocking on the door again ready for more 'action'.
Once more they enjoy each other. His young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that you can perform so much better than guys less than a third of your age. You are truly a great lover, Roger." Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?
Post by: Baldesto on August 13, 2010, 07:49:57 am
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalised?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."
Post by: Baldesto on August 13, 2010, 07:52:27 am
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" She asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her. She beat the shit out of me...
Post by: Baldesto on August 13, 2010, 07:59:52 am
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, "Hey, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Post by: Baldesto on August 19, 2010, 07:57:07 am
She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.
The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."
Post by: Baldesto on August 20, 2010, 08:01:31 am
--
The fisherman went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the Nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints - 5 big baby boys!" The Caper says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney." The nurse replies, "You need to get it cleaned - the babies are all black."
--
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Post by: Baldesto on August 20, 2010, 08:02:08 am
-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're
-I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Post by: Baldesto on August 20, 2010, 08:02:54 am
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you a few questions, sort of a test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Post by: Baldesto on August 20, 2010, 08:05:10 am
He calls the bartender over, and pointing to the two, says, "What's with beauty and the beast over there?" The bartender says, "She's like, 'paid for'".
He finishes his drink and goes home.
The next night, he's in the bar, and she's alone. He goes up to her and says, I couldn't help but hearing about how you make a living, and I have to ask - how much for a hand job? "75 dollars" she says. "Geez" he says "I can go home and pull it for free, what make you so special?" She says "Follow me".
They go out to the parking lot, and she points to a brand new Porsche and says "I own that free and clear because I give the best hand jobs in town".
He pulls out his wallet, and sure enough, she rocks his world.
Next night he's looking for her, and finds her. "How much for some head?" She says "That'll be 250". "Christ!" he says "I can get that downtown for 75, how good can you be?" She says, "Follow me to the lot".
She points to a luxury hi-rise condo building, and says "I own that free and clear by giving the best head in town. All repeat customers". "You take a check?" he asks and not long after is revelling in absolutely the best honk job he has ever had.
So next evening he's looking for this redhead. He finds her and asks "How much for some pussy?" Together they go again to the lot. "You see the skyline over there from Manhattan to Brooklyn?" "Yeah!" he says enthusiastically. "Well if I had a pussy, I'd own all that!"
Post by: xpertz on August 21, 2010, 09:18:05 am
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Post by: Baldesto on August 25, 2010, 11:10:18 am
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that is a lot!", gasped Mrs Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Then Mrs Smith fainted.
Post by: Baldesto on August 27, 2010, 08:08:18 am
--
The guy who owned the local cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
--
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
--
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
--
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got 5 penises" The doctor replies "Blimey, how do your trousers fit?" Man says "Like a glove!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 27, 2010, 08:09:14 am
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... "The Magic Penis!" The Husband said, "The what"? The man repeated, "The Magic Penis," and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said, "Magic Penis, the door!"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, "Magic Penis, return to your box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Magic Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."
The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, "Yeah... right... now I've heard it all ma'am... Magic Penis? My arse...!"
Post by: Baldesto on August 27, 2010, 08:10:10 am
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time". Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Post by: Baldesto on August 27, 2010, 08:10:37 am
-The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.
-A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
- Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber.
-There's a new curry been brought out in aid of the Pakistani flood disaster victims. It's a chicken bury auntie, served with nan dead and poppa gone.
- The BNP have donated 6000 crocodiles to the Pakistani flood appeal.
-The Queen has sent a letter of condolence to the Pakistani president. She wanted to mention that Britain has plenty of spare Pakis if they want some back.
-I bet little Mohammed doesn't have to walk 3 miles fetch water now! I think I'll ask for my $5 a month donation back.
-What do you call a Pakistani flood survivor? Mustafa dinghy.
-What goes around comes around. Pakistanis have been flooding Britain for years.
-From space, Pakistan looks like a giant bowl of coco pops.
-There is a new diet sweeping Pakistan. It's called swim fast.
- Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster... Rain Drops Keep Falling On Ahmed.
Post by: Baldesto on August 27, 2010, 08:16:01 am
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Post by: Baldesto on August 27, 2010, 08:16:38 am
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 17, 2010, 10:52:15 am
The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 17, 2010, 10:52:53 am
The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the guys' knee and hears, "Please! You've got to help me! I can get by with $5, even! Just $5! Please! I haven't any money, even $5 will help."
Finally, the doctor listens to the patient's ankle, "How about $20! $15! Anything! I'm flat out of cash, please lend me something, just this once!" "Hmmm." says the doctor. "This could be serious." "What!" says the patient, alarmed. "What's wrong!?" "It appears," the doctor replies, "that your leg is broke in three places."
Post by: Baldesto on September 17, 2010, 10:53:13 am
The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder."Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection."
Post by: Baldesto on September 17, 2010, 10:54:00 am
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. Lee, a drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied "You might as well take my ass to jail 'cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 17, 2010, 10:54:22 am
--
General Public Notice: Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages about my dog after it savaged to death 3 Muslims, 2 Aboriginals and an Indian taxi driver. For the last time, he is NOT for sale!!
--
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing. She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, "You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open." "Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.
Post by: Baldesto on September 17, 2010, 10:55:13 am
--
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here". The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
--
A bloke goes up to a fat chick in a pub. He asks if she's got a pen. She answers him "Yes! As a matter of fact I do". He comes back with "Does the farmer know you've got out?"
--
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car!"
Post by: Baldesto on September 17, 2010, 10:56:14 am
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "take this pill." The cowboy asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
Post by: BerG on October 08, 2010, 10:44:04 am
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:05:14 am
--
A black baby was given a pair of wings by God. He asks "God does this mean that I am an angel? God laughs 'of course not you silly black cunt. You're a fly!
--
Friendly advice: Please take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.
--
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.
--
I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:05:39 am
For some, the art of letter writing is a skill never mastered. The following are extracts from various complaints and requests made by tenants who fall into that category...
- It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
- I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
- My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
- I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
- Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
- I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
- This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
- He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:06:24 am
Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching...
Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.
As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:06:46 am
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. BLOODY women drivers!!
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:07:04 am
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:07:21 am
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Ahmed replied, "Oh, from way back there I thought you said goats..."
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:08:02 am
Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he's very well known for snoring and since it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - they agreed to take turns.
The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn't get any sleep!"
The following night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he's so loud. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. Said he wasn't going to put up with any snoring... "We'll see!" said the other deputies.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning, fellas! Wonderful day outside isn't it?" he said. They other deputies were shocked!
They said, "Man, what happened?" Frank said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn't snore at all!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:08:34 am
--
I met a girl in the park last night. There was definitely something electric between us. I shagged her silly on a park bench. When I'd finished I couldn't help thinking "Fuck me these Tazer guns are worth every penny".
--
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw in a club last night. He put 7 poofters in a trance but dropped his microphone on his foot and shouted "Fuck me". What happened next will haunt me forever...
--
Interesting piece of history. In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's bladder. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the goat first!
--
Driving down the road I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'Heaven'. So the good person I am, I hit him. Hope he made it.
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:08:50 am
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our 'cooling off' period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an arse that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.
Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is PLEASE!?!
Love, Mick.
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:09:15 am
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets... M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you prat!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going to get it wrong.
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:09:30 am
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:09:46 am
The doctor said the cost would be "$3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, and $14,000 for large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:10:15 am
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
Martha paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought that too with the insurance money!"
Again she paused for a few minutes and whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:10:37 am
Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart. As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.
They were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem. The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."
"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?" "Well," the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:11:04 am
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "Can't remember."
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:11:33 am
--
After meeting Susan Boyle and Michelle McManus on Friday, the Pope said that he was not surprised that his priests in Scotland were shagging young boys.
--
I mistook the Popemobile for an ice cream van today. I only realised my mistake when I read "Wouldn't Mind That Child" written on the back.
--
NEWSFLASH: The Pope refused to kiss the tarmac when he arrived at Edinburgh airport because it was over eight years old.
--
The Pope is teaching his young nephew how to wank. "This is great" said the nephew. The pope replied "Wait until you're 13, you'll then be able to use your own cock!"
--
A paedophile, a homophobe, a hypocrite and a Nazi walk into a bar. The barman says "Hello your Holiness".
--
What's the difference between the Pope and George Michael? One has a soul full of hope, the other has a hole full of soap!
--
Eggs Benedict: Poached eggs, toasted English muffin, Hollandaise sauce, concealment of paedophiles, ham.
--
George Michael has been found in his prison cell with a chocolate bar up his arse. A prison spokesman said it was just a careless Wispa....
--
George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow inmates before having to make hot chocolate drinks for them. He is now working on a new song about his time inside. It's called "Wank me off before your Cocoa".
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:12:04 am
Along the way she rides through a very small town. She doesn"t care, but a few old men are outside and they stare at her as she rides by. She"s so happy she gets on her cell phone and calls her husband and tells him she bought a horse.
He asks, "Is it a male or a female?" She replies, "I"m positive it"s a female". "Honey, you know nothing about horses," he asks, "how do you know it"s a female?" "Because as I was riding through a small town, some men were outside and I heard them say, "Would you look at the cunt on that horse!"
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:12:22 am
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:13:09 am
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed. Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Post by: Baldesto on October 09, 2010, 07:13:19 am
Post by: Zarkov on October 09, 2010, 12:03:29 pm
Post by: BerG on October 09, 2010, 03:58:23 pm
Post by: Baldesto on October 10, 2010, 09:30:50 am
Post by: Ngati_Grim on October 10, 2010, 10:13:20 am
Post by: Zarkov on October 10, 2010, 04:06:16 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;1319251
sigh ,neg rep for RACIST jokes.thanks grim. they are just fucking jokes. its people like you and your pious fucking attitudes that will make me stop posting here.wanker.
Just ignore him Baldy.
He's a poor judge of what's reasonable.
Post by: Kayne on October 10, 2010, 04:36:00 pm
Post by: Virus. on October 10, 2010, 04:39:10 pm
lol.
Post by: BerG on October 10, 2010, 06:41:42 pm
Please post more.
Heres my own one for Grim:
We had a blackout on our street the other night.
But dont worry, I shot the bastard.
Post by: Zarkov on October 10, 2010, 08:12:26 pm
Post by: Ngati_Grim on October 11, 2010, 09:04:43 am
Post by: camy205 on October 12, 2010, 09:49:13 am
What do call Arnold Schwarzenegger mixed with Michael Jackson?
Michael Wasan***er.
Post by: BeNZene on October 12, 2010, 12:33:02 pm
Its one thing to cut & paste 25 jokes, for the amusement of everyone, in which one or two of which is offensive. Its quite another to deliberately post sexist, racist or homophobic jokes for the purpose of offending or annoying members of the forum.
Post by: BerG on October 12, 2010, 02:10:01 pm
Post by: Zarkov on October 12, 2010, 04:49:43 pm
Post by: Baldesto on October 12, 2010, 05:52:23 pm
Post by: Zarkov on October 12, 2010, 08:21:26 pm
Post by: deanox on October 12, 2010, 08:34:50 pm
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!
Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
Post by: BeNZene on October 12, 2010, 09:07:05 pm
Quote from: Zarkov;1320029
Cut and paste?
I seem to recall Baldy saying at XLAN that a lot of them come from emails from his dirty work mates...
Quote from: Baldesto;1320054
i think of most of the jokes as irreverent , as in r/l you cant please some of the people all of the time. sure as fuck not gonna bother weeding out the the odd racist joke the same as im not gonna edit out the anti religious ones. personally , they are jokes, take them any other way and there is something wrong . i had no intention of posting to annoy people.
Sorry maybe I wasn't clear - What you do is good for the community: posting lots of jokes intending to be funny, with the odd joke in there that may offend, but mostly just funny stuff. Its people who post just to offend or annoy others that start to smell the place up.
Post by: Ngati_Grim on October 13, 2010, 11:11:41 am
Quote from: Baldesto;1320054
sure as fuck not gonna bother weeding out the the odd racist joke
At least he admits they're racist.
Post by: Ngati_Grim on October 13, 2010, 11:12:37 am
Quote from: Zarkov;1320120
It's ok to annoy grim.
Yes, it is, but don't expect me to lie back and take it like your patsies.
Post by: Ngati_Grim on October 13, 2010, 11:13:51 am
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.“
Post by: SteddieEddie on October 16, 2010, 04:05:38 pm
Post by: Dumpy on October 17, 2010, 09:26:32 am
Post by: Zarkov on October 17, 2010, 11:25:18 am
Post by: camy205 on October 17, 2010, 06:21:44 pm
For Drizzle.
Post by: Zarkov on October 17, 2010, 08:20:17 pm
Quote from: camy205;1322008
Why does Snoop Dogg need an unbrella?
For Drizzle.
Unbrella=What you carry when you want to get wet.
Post by: camy205 on October 20, 2010, 03:21:12 pm
Post by: SteddieEddie on November 01, 2010, 08:27:25 pm
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in
Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the
right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrod's and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrod's had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the
knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
Post by: Fantasee on November 03, 2010, 01:33:11 pm
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:13:24 pm
--
Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing Vaseline in his chest. Cecil asks "what are you doing?" Rupert says "I read in a gay magazine that Vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest!" Cecil says "Don't be so fucking stupid, if that were true I'd have a ponytail sticking out of my arse!"
--
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, "I gonna do that when I win lottery" 'What's dat?" says his mate. "Send me lawn away to be cut".
--
The Police are looking for a person that steals vibrators, licks balls, and likes it up the arse. What should I do? Pretend I don't know you?
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:13:55 pm
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing the father's details or to put it another way... who's your baby daddy?
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise...
7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time... well, I don't have clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsay did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St mine might have remained unfertilised.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:14:32 pm
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:14:50 pm
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that though rare my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," the wife said coldly, "you're going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:15:16 pm
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house. It's a really hot day and he only just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt..."
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:16:05 pm
--
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened!?" The pilot's reply "I don't know... I just got here myself!"
--
I spent some time by the wife's grave today. She doesn't know... she thinks I'm digging a pond.
--
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane... He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore between her legs with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awww shit!" he murmurs, "Fuzz!" "What did ya expect?" Phoebe says, "A perm?"
--
I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde gets out and yells at me "Ram me up the arse why don't you?" This, Your Honour, is where I believe all the confusion began..."
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:16:25 pm
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-US. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-General Mac Arthur
"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-Infantry Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-Army Ordnance Manual
"Five second fuses last about three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
The three most useless things in aviation are: fuel in the bowser, runway behind you, and air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
-Naval Ops Manual
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Infantry Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him."
-Infantry Journal
"Yeah, though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 feet and climbing."
-Sign over SR71 Wing Ops
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-Unknown Author
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."
-Fixed Wing Pilot
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-Multi-Engine Training Manual
"Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club."
-Unknown Author
"If you hear me yell "Eject, Eject, Eject!" the last two will be echoes." If you stop to ask "Why?" you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot."
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies... but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies."
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
"Never trade luck for skill."
-Author Unknown
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: "Did you feel that?" "What's that noise?" and "Oh shit!"
-Authors Unknown
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-Basic Flight Training Manual
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
-Emergency Checklist
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
-Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
-Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:17:44 pm
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow."
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:18:37 pm
"Well," said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions before we make anything definite, ok?" "Of course," said the woman.
"Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the director
"That's easy," the woman said, "A Tonsillectomy." "Very good. Ok, What is the removal of your appendix called?" the director continued. "That would be an Appendectomy," the woman said confidentially.
"Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director asked. Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change operation was called. She sat staring at the wall for some time before the director began to get anxious. "Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.
Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said "Of course... an Addadictomy."
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:19:02 pm
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mum said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:19:17 pm
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of vanilla ice cream." "You don't understand, Sir," the girl says. "We have no vanilla." "Then just give me some vanilla," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell CHOC, as in chocolate?"
The man says, "C-H-O-C." "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry." "OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell FUCK, as in vanilla." The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no fuck in vanilla." "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:24:14 pm
--
While watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver". I thought, "What a fucking great idea! Why don't we have them in our country!?"
--
Garry Glitter is moving to Chile. He says it's the only place you can slide a minor up and down, and have an audience cheer you on at the same time...
--
The second-grade class had gone to lunch and the restroom and returned to class. The teacher did not see Johnnie. She asked "Where's Johnnie?" One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom lying on the floor." She asked, "Why is he doing that?" The child said, "I don't know. He's been like that since he stuck the scissors in the light socket."
--
A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!" Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:24:59 pm
"What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me!"
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:25:35 pm
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?" "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... ees... ees... aes a ham bush...!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:26:43 pm
--
Man said to his wife "All right you sexy thing, upstairs now!" She looked at him and said "Ooh you kinky bastard." He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now fuck off!"
--
It's emerged that those poor Chilean miners weren't being paid while they were stuck in the mine. So I'm now not sure who has screwed more miners. The Chilean Government or the Catholic Church?
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:27:09 pm
"Holy crap," the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims, "and she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:28:46 pm
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular, tanned etc.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says "I don't know about you but I stepped on a Duck".
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:29:09 pm
The Doctor says "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" The Doctor says "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"
Post by: Baldesto on November 05, 2010, 08:29:42 pm
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?"
"It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water!"
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once... "I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 12, 2010, 05:45:49 pm
--
A guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
--
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
--
There's only one thing worse than shitting the bed: having 2 smear it around your girlfriend's arse so she thinks that it's her fault.
Post by: Baldesto on November 12, 2010, 05:46:22 pm
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta' be kiddin' me". "No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious the man says "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw the poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked "What happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't your day is it, cupcake...?"
Post by: Baldesto on November 12, 2010, 05:46:58 pm
The priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The priest then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the priest calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the priest replied, "Take the poison."
Post by: Baldesto on November 12, 2010, 05:47:31 pm
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Post by: Baldesto on November 12, 2010, 05:47:54 pm
One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are!" The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools!" One of the old Grandmas called back "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
Post by: Baldesto on November 15, 2010, 09:23:16 pm
James: No i haven't, are they like really hot twins or are they kinda fugly and you're banging them jus cuz they're twins?
Logan: No dude, they're totally fucking gorgeous plus they're complete fucking nymphos. I met them at a sex shop and so now every time i come over to their place we just have completely nasty kinky vile sex for hours and hours on end. Then, after they've totally worn me out, they just dildo and go down on each other and let me watch, its fucking incredible, i hit the fucking jackpot man.
James: hahaha that's awesome dude, but how can you tell the difference between them? Does one of them have a sexy mole on her ass or something?
Logan: Well, Cindy has absolutely voluptuous C cups, long blonde flowing hair, and the ass of a black goddess while David is bald but has a really thick mustache
Post by: ToxicButtNZ on November 16, 2010, 11:26:29 am
A swallow .... hahahahahaha
Post by: Nostargate on November 16, 2010, 11:36:27 am
Post by: Nostargate on November 16, 2010, 10:04:16 pm
Post by: private_hell on November 18, 2010, 08:34:53 am
for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his
employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he
has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board
and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work,
earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6
months gets to sleep with my missus."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, "the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Post by: Baldesto on November 21, 2010, 07:22:05 am
--
What's big, long and hard and makes women have sex with me? A knife.
--
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
--
I was brought up by strict Catholic parents who made me believe that my penis was dirty and evil... which if anything meant I was grateful when my uncle would lick it clean when he used to babysit.
Post by: Dr Woomanchu on November 21, 2010, 12:04:23 pm
Mom and Dad are going at it hot and heavy in the bedroom, when they hear a noise. They look over and little Johnny is standing in the doorway with a horrified expression on his face. He runs away and slams the door.
Mom n Dad finish the wild thing, and as they're lying there afterwards, dad says " I better go have a wee talk to Johnny". He goes to the boys room and knocks on the door, then goes in. There in front of him is Johnny, banging his grandma like a little rabbit.
"WHAT THE FUCK!!!" goes dad. Johnny looks round and says "See, it's not so funny when its your mother"
Post by: Baldesto on December 04, 2010, 07:59:02 am
Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,“I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”
So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:47:34 pm
--
If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along then let's face it... you're drunk again!
--
Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
--
Heather Mills parents sent her a new leg as a Christmas present. They told her it wasn't her main present... it was just a stocking filler.
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:50:38 pm
The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing At her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband." "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied. "Of course," the woman replied. "Then what about three more inches?" said the maid.
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:51:21 pm
--
My uncle Eric was a shit ventriloquist. He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!
--
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"
--
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. Thank you.
--
A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors described his condition as stable.
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:52:02 pm
"Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:53:23 pm
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, some asshole is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:54:09 pm
--
Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.
--
I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! Spooky or what!?
--
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cell mate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?" "Oh, nothing fancy like," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."
--
I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:55:44 pm
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me so!" "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 05, 2011, 04:56:48 pm
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!" "This is my big lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Euros..."
"TWO MILLION EUROS!" she exclaims. "They must have seen you coming!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 19, 2011, 09:05:02 am
--
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
--
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!" "Wow," replied the first woman, "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
--
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a Roger. It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles and my cock out that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!
--
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant." The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first."
--
My friend's wife was in labour with their first child. She was shouting, "Get this kid out of me! Give me the drugs." Then she looked at him and said, "YOU did this to me you bastard!" He casually replied to her, "If you remember Honey, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "NO! It'll be too damn painful."
Post by: Baldesto on January 19, 2011, 09:05:44 am
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Post by: Baldesto on January 19, 2011, 09:06:08 am
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."
Post by: Baldesto on January 19, 2011, 09:06:49 am
A man goes to the doctor's and says, "D-d-d-doc, I have a st-stutt-stutter, cc-cc-caa-can you hh-hhel-help me?"
The Doc examines him and tells him, "It's your penis. It's over 12 inches long and the gravity pull is so strong it is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "W-w-wha-what c-cc-can w-w-we d-do ab-ab-about it?" The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant on a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering forever." "OK, d-d-do it!"
Four weeks later the guy goes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more, but there is a new problem in that I have only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it anymore either - I can't satisfy her. So I've thought about it and decided that I don't care if I do have to stutter, I want my dick back!"
The doc replies, "N-n-n-no chance, a d-d-deal is a d-deal!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 19, 2011, 09:07:13 am
About that time, Charlie got home and realised her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Post by: Baldesto on January 19, 2011, 09:07:36 am
"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, so I am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too; I am also celebrating" said the woman.''What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock" he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"
Post by: private_hell on January 28, 2011, 12:22:53 pm
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
Post by: Lone-Star on January 29, 2011, 02:35:21 pm
took a girl home from the pub the other day but I ended up passing out on the sofa..... I must have had her drink by mistake
as a man you really cannot win these days. Just yesterday I was holding the door open for a nice young lady and she said... will you close the door, I'm trying to use the toilet!
Post by: Baldesto on February 02, 2011, 07:35:09 am
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea.
Post by: Spork on February 08, 2011, 01:19:11 pm
The All Blacks
Post by: Baldesto on February 11, 2011, 08:42:08 pm
--
I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice and knock herself unconscious... well I say 'poor' because the old cow only had $2.34 in her purse.
--
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth." Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?" The doctor says "Use it as a rake?"'
--
A girl asks her Doctor how many calories are in sperm. The Doctor says "Believe me, if you swallow no guy will care if you're fat".
Post by: Baldesto on February 11, 2011, 08:42:24 pm
Whilst in town they go into the pub and convey their misery to the publican - not even a glimpse of a kangaroo or pig they exclaimed!
He said "Well why don't you shoot a couple of aboriginals. It's legal up here this time of year". "Bullshit!" they said "You're having a lend of us!" The bartender said "Nope. Fair dinkum. You can shoot them here this time of year".
So the guys bought a carton of beer and loaded up the ute. One of them thought for a minute and said "I'll go back inside and double check". Again he asked the publican "Are you sure you can shoot abo's up here mate?" "Yep" he said "You want it in writing?"
When he returned to the ute he noticed the carton missing. Sure enough 50 metres down the main street and there was an aboriginal with his carton of Crownies on his shoulder.
He grabbed his gun lined up the bastard up in his sights and dropped him with one shot there in the main street.
Before you know it two cop cars come racing down the street towards him.
"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing???" screamed the cop. He says "Well the bloke in the pub told me it's ok to shoot aboriginals!" They said "Yeah that's not a problem! But fair go mate... you can't set traps!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 11, 2011, 08:42:43 pm
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dickskin rocket to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetiser is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"
Post by: Baldesto on February 11, 2011, 08:43:07 pm
There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well madam, there are 32 of us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shitting me!?"
Post by: Baldesto on February 11, 2011, 08:43:53 pm
The charade player agrees. Come the big night, all the world is watching.
The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds. The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."
The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks.
Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it." It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realised it as the William Tell Overture. Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."
Post by: Baldesto on February 11, 2011, 08:44:41 pm
Dave said "Man I wish we had something to drink." Jim says "Me too, you know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz... you wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects at all. Nothing!
Then the phone rings, it's Jim. Jim says "Hey, how did you feel this morning?" Dave Says, "I feel great, how about you?" Jim says "I feel great too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave Says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover - nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah well there's just one thing... have you farted yet?" "No" "Well DON'T because I'm in New Zealand!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 11, 2011, 08:45:02 pm
The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire-fighter said with admiration... "Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Post by: TofuEater on February 11, 2011, 09:32:25 pm
Quote
While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise." Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place."
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 11, 2011, 10:18:39 pm
This joke is homophonic:
Have you ever used a dictaphone?
Nope, I prefer to use my fingers.
Post by: BerG on February 12, 2011, 04:33:09 am
Quote from: TofuEater;1359339
This one came through the email today. Not sure if it should go in the joke thread or politics - not that there's a lot of difference, tbh.
Hone Harawira, New Zealand Maori Party Member of Parliament (alias John Hadfield, his true name, his grandfather was a pakeha)
On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Hone Harawira was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his recent examples of how to inflame the Maori Indigenous situation in New Zealand.
He spoke for almost an hour, echoing his racist mother's doomed-to-fail radical ideas for increasing any First Nation's standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Hone with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".
The proud Hone then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the American Indian Chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Hone.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
Post by: Baldesto on February 12, 2011, 02:53:18 pm
Post by: TofuEater on February 12, 2011, 09:27:21 pm
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 12, 2011, 10:54:08 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;1359315
One weekend three mates decided to go wild pig hunting and kangaroo shooting near Meekatharra. Perplexed, after five long hot days and nights camping in the sticks and not so much as even seeing a pig or roo they agree to go to town and buy some fresh provisions.
Whilst in town they go into the pub and convey their misery to the publican - not even a glimpse of a kangaroo or pig they exclaimed!
He said "Well why don't you shoot a couple of aboriginals. It's legal up here this time of year". "Bullshit!" they said "You're having a lend of us!" The bartender said "Nope. Fair dinkum. You can shoot them here this time of year".
So the guys bought a carton of beer and loaded up the ute. One of them thought for a minute and said "I'll go back inside and double check". Again he asked the publican "Are you sure you can shoot abo's up here mate?" "Yep" he said "You want it in writing?"
When he returned to the ute he noticed the carton missing. Sure enough 50 metres down the main street and there was an aboriginal with his carton of Crownies on his shoulder.
He grabbed his gun lined up the bastard up in his sights and dropped him with one shot there in the main street.
Before you know it two cop cars come racing down the street towards him.
"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing???" screamed the cop. He says "Well the bloke in the pub told me it's ok to shoot aboriginals!" They said "Yeah that's not a problem! But fair go mate... you can't set traps!"
You are a cunt.
It's not even funny and YOU ARE A CUNT.
I don't care if I'm the only person with "a problem" regarding this, it's not even funny you cunt.
What a fucking redneck wanker.
Post by: Zarkov on February 13, 2011, 07:26:23 am
Quote from: TofuEater;1359584
Mate, don't be like that. As soon as you give in to the tossers they have won. Keep posting the jokes, everyone else appreciates them. :rnr:
Bullshit, it was over the top.
Post by: Zarkov on February 13, 2011, 07:29:09 am
Quote from: Ngati_Grim;1359354
Bad form with the aborigine joke Baldy, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you, arse :(
This joke is homophonic:
Have you ever used a dictaphone?
Nope, I prefer to use my fingers.
Just report the post, leave the angry ranting to us.
Post by: TofuEater on February 13, 2011, 07:02:24 pm
Quote from: Zarkov;1359629
Bullshit, it was over the top.Meh, considering all the good jokes that Baldy's posted i wouldn't want to see him stop on account of one that didn't quite hit the mark (well maybe it did). Frankly, considering half the shit around these forums, i, for one, welcome our new joke overlord.
Post by: Zarkov on February 13, 2011, 08:14:21 pm
Quote from: TofuEater;1359720
Meh, considering all the good jokes that Baldy's posted i wouldn't want to see him stop on account of one that didn't quite hit the mark (well maybe it did). Frankly, considering half the shit around these forums, i, for one, welcome our new joke overlord.
I agree with you.
Jokes are a tricky subject, and when you post as many as he does, some are bound to offend.
However that one would have been offensive to a lot of people and it opened the door to a genre that's not acceptable in a NZ public forum.
You can't just say "it's a joke, so it's ok".
Or "if you don't think it's funny you're being PC".
That's just trying to marginalize people who don't agee with you.
Post by: Spork on February 14, 2011, 01:16:02 am
Quote from: Zarkov;1359736
You can't just say "it's a joke, so it's ok".
Living in Australia this is one of the most heard comments after most jokes.
Post by: Who_ate_my_rice on February 16, 2011, 12:22:33 pm
Allen wrote:
"A man has unhappy his girlfriend hanging out with another man. then he follow her to the club and saw she seems like hanky panky with another man.
then her boyfriend hold a liquid of bottle to splash on her face and said: im gonna destroy your face!! how dare are you do like this behind me!?
other people were scary about that girl been ⋯⋯destroyed and all run away!!
the girl very fear but she doesn`t have feels any painful on her face. then ask her boyfriend: what did you throwing on my face?
her boyfriend said: it is a makeup remover...."
Post by: SteddieEddie on February 16, 2011, 01:09:56 pm
Post by: Spork on February 21, 2011, 06:30:30 pm
Thanks for ruining it Grim. =(
Post by: LeadCollector on February 21, 2011, 06:39:58 pm
Post by: Scunner on February 21, 2011, 06:40:32 pm
Quote from: SteddieEddie;1360571
^^^ I can't figure out if it is a bad joke or just delivered badly, probably a bit of both
Are you kidding? That's the most awesome delivered joke I've ever heard.
"the girl very fear but she doesn`t have feels any painful on her face. then ask her boyfriend: what did you throwing on my face?
her boyfriend said: it is a makeup remover...."
Gold!
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 21, 2011, 07:11:43 pm
Quote from: TofuEater;1359584
Mate, don't be like that. As soon as you give in to the tossers they have won. Keep posting the jokes, everyone else appreciates them. :rnr:
Quote from: Spork;1362034
Might as well delete this thread now.
Thanks for ruining it Grim. =(
haha. Really? I thought racism ruined it, but meh. So be it.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2011/feb/05/top-gear-offensive-steve-coogan?intcmp=239
Post by: Spork on February 21, 2011, 07:27:58 pm
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 21, 2011, 07:33:39 pm
Post by: Zarkov on February 21, 2011, 07:44:33 pm
Quote from: Scunner;1362038
Are you kidding? That's the most awesome delivered joke I've ever heard.
"the girl very fear but she doesn`t have feels any painful on her face. then ask her boyfriend: what did you throwing on my face?
her boyfriend said: it is a makeup remover...."
Gold!
That was funnier than any of Spork's jokes.
Post by: Spork on February 21, 2011, 07:45:14 pm
Post by: Spork on February 21, 2011, 07:53:25 pm
Quote from: Zarkov;1362051
That was funnier than any of Spork's jokes.
Hahaha, oh Zarkov.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
Here is one which I am sure Flash will know the answer of!
How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 21, 2011, 08:06:44 pm
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” “Nope” responded the bartender, “try somewhere else.” The duck walks out and back in, “do you sell grapes?” “I told you already I don’t” responded the bartender, “stop bothering me.” The duck walks back out and then back in again, “stop right where you are” the bartender screams “you ask me again if I have grapes I will take a hammer and nail your feet to the floor.” The duck walks out and then back in again, “do you sell nails?” he asks “No” responded the bartender.” “Do you sell grapes????”
What's another word for thesaurus?
Post by: Spork on February 21, 2011, 08:14:33 pm
Post by: Zarkov on February 21, 2011, 08:32:05 pm
Quote from: Spork;1362057
Hahaha, oh Zarkov.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
Here is one which I am sure Flash will know the answer of!
How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!
That's better!
Cat humour is the best.
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 21, 2011, 08:38:24 pm
The Cat Scan
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
Post by: Zarkov on February 21, 2011, 08:42:21 pm
Quote from: Ngati_Grim;1362077
Much against my better judgement, doggone it:
The Cat Scan
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
Haha.
Post by: BerG. on February 21, 2011, 09:01:25 pm
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 21, 2011, 09:16:23 pm
the joke was in the first line....
Post by: Spork on February 21, 2011, 09:27:16 pm
Post by: Ngati_Grim on February 21, 2011, 10:07:15 pm
Post by: private_hell on March 04, 2011, 08:28:16 am
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The Air Force pilot explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any underwear….”
“The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing
underwear!”
The Air Force pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
Post by: private_hell on March 05, 2011, 08:41:45 am
“For the benefit of our viewers,” interrupted the reporter, “we should explain that the term ‘fokker’ refers to a specific type of German fighter plane.”
“Vell ya,” said the old Scandianvian pilot, “but those fokkers were Messerschmitt’s.”
Post by: private_hell on March 07, 2011, 08:35:02 am
- Airplanes usually kill you quickly – a woman takes her time.
- Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
- Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go”.
- Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
- Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
- Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
- Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
- Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
- Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
- Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
- Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
- Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
- Airplanes expect to be tied down.
- Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
- Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good.
Post by: henno on March 08, 2011, 08:29:32 am
The banker takes 11, then leans over to the MP and whispers, "Watch out for the beneficiary, she's after your biscuit."
(Stolen from NZ Herald)
Post by: Spork on April 07, 2011, 07:47:02 pm
Thank Vodnik that Baldy is a BW member.
Anyway, here are some great pickup lines for any Harry Potter fans!
You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a bone.
I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.
I'm not wearing an invisibility cloak, but do you think I could still visit your restricted section tonight?
My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!
You don't even have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on!
Did you survive the Avada Kedavra, because you're drop dead gorgeous!
Wow, when I said ‘Accio Hottie’ I didn’t expect it to work!
I must have had some Felix Felicis because I’m about to get lucky!
If I was to find the Room of Requirement, you’d be the only thing in it.
I've been whomping my willow thinking about you.
You don't have to worry about me, I've been tested for Hogwarts, if you know what I mean.
Hey baby, how about I be the Seeker, so I can get your Snitch?
I know I'm not Head Boy, but you can be my "head" girl.
My basilisk is ready to do some Slytherin.
You look like you'd be a good Quidditch player. Want to ride my broomstick?
If I try hard enough, I can get a really big patronus. All I have to do is think of you
Im just like Oliver Wood, baby… I’m a keeper!
That's all folks.
Post by: SteddieEddie on April 07, 2011, 08:07:57 pm
The end
Post by: Emrico1 on April 10, 2011, 06:14:50 pm
(Will Ferell on twitter)
And one I made up
What did the Dwarf say to the Cashier?
I'm a little short.
Post by: Spork on April 11, 2011, 01:25:37 pm
Post by: Tiwaking! on April 27, 2011, 02:15:51 pm
Billy said, "Ye know Pa', it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".
Post by: Spork on April 28, 2011, 03:24:01 am
Post by: private_hell on May 17, 2011, 08:03:53 am
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE , WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’
Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly, ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’
Post by: 420fairy on May 30, 2011, 03:14:50 pm
not ajoke but epic gif that made coke come out my nose!
Post by: SteddieEddie on June 01, 2011, 01:16:11 pm
on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
Post by: Ethanor on June 18, 2011, 10:58:55 pm
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between erran ds
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between erran ds
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Post by: TofuEater on June 20, 2011, 08:25:44 pm
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I really am trying my best, I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pulled her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and ravished her right there ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They weren’t too happy about it in Harvey Normans Furniture Store either!"
Post by: camy205 on June 20, 2011, 08:30:34 pm
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."
Post by: 420fairy on June 21, 2011, 12:28:42 pm
Post by: Spork on June 25, 2011, 01:50:05 am
Post by: Scunner on June 25, 2011, 05:29:43 pm
That's just basic math.
Post by: Lyesalot on June 26, 2011, 01:35:34 pm
Quote from: Scunner;1394735
If it was 100% dead, then there wouldn't be new jokes since Baldy stop posting.
That's just basic math.
98% dead then
Post by: Tiwaking! on June 28, 2011, 02:30:23 pm
Quote from: th3fairy;1393188
this thread needs more baldestoDuring World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a woman.
"We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant.
So, that Thanksgiving, while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"
"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"
Post by: Scunner on July 01, 2011, 03:21:16 pm
Post by: kilabee on July 11, 2011, 10:03:47 am
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Post by: Spork on July 14, 2011, 07:19:26 pm
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Post by: Ethanor on August 13, 2011, 12:05:28 am
The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously
You are going to die anyway, so live life
Medical Term Irish Definition
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumour - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Post by: EnjoyTheSauce on August 29, 2011, 07:11:46 pm
One day as he is eating breakfast he hears a booming voice, "Jim I want you to sell your business."
Jim is startled, "Why?"
"Just do it, trust me."
"Who are..."
"TRUST ME"
So Jim ends up selling his business for 3 million dollars.
"Now I want you to go to Las Vegas."
"Vegas?"
"VEGAS."
So Jim listens and goes to Vegas.
"Play Black Jack Jim," the booming voice tells him.
"Black Jack?" Jim responds.
"Black Jack."
So Jim walks over to the Black Jack table and takes a seat.
"Jim," the voice tells him "bet everything on this hand."
"Wait, what?"
"Trust me," the voice tells him.
"3 million dollars on this next hand," Jim tells to the dealer.
The dealer is dumbfounded, slowly he nods and deals out the cards. Jim gets a Jack and a 4, 14.
"Take a card," the voice tells him.
"Hit me," Jim says.
He gets a 3, he has 17.
"Take another card."
"What?"
"Take another CARD"
"H-Hit me" Jim Is starting to sweat now. The dealer deals him an ACE, 18.
"Take another card Jim."
Jim yells, "I have 18!"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
Jim squeaks, "Hit me."
He gets a TWO! Jim is at 20!
"Sta..."
"Take another card Jim."
"I Have 20, I'm going to Stay!" Jim shouts!
"JIM I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
"Hit me," Jim whispers, he is dealt an Ace... 21
The dealer is lost for words, Jim is close to tears.
After what seemed like an eternity the Voice says something,
"No Fucking Way..."
Post by: SteddieEddie on September 05, 2011, 09:30:04 pm
Post by: SteddieEddie on September 07, 2011, 01:45:56 pm
Post by: SteddieEddie on September 22, 2011, 12:39:40 pm
Post by: Spigalau on September 22, 2011, 03:20:03 pm
...oops too soon ?
Post by: SteddieEddie on October 07, 2011, 09:04:50 pm
I told her that I had a bad day and just wanted to put my feet up. She said sure, as long as you cut your toenails first.
Post by: SteddieEddie on November 29, 2011, 12:46:50 pm
Post by: SteddieEddie on December 27, 2011, 10:24:28 pm
Because he knows where the naughty girls live.
Post by: Baldesto on December 28, 2011, 07:12:51 am
Post by: BerG on December 28, 2011, 07:45:57 am
We need you.
GetSome needs you.
Baldesto: The Dark Knight
Post by: Baldesto on December 28, 2011, 08:46:08 am
A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room".
Post by: SteddieEddie on December 29, 2011, 07:48:56 am
I was sitting on the bed pulling off my boxers when the wife walked in and said please don't do that to the dogs
Post by: Zarkov on December 29, 2011, 09:59:34 am
Post by: SteddieEddie on December 29, 2011, 01:19:11 pm
Post by: Baldesto on January 06, 2012, 09:01:02 am
--
Shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section...
--
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful blonde woman. Without any preliminaries she declared that she wanted a divorce. "On what grounds?" asked the lawyer. "I don't think he is faithful to me" she replied. "And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer. "Well for one thing" replied the young lady "I don't think he's the father of my child".
--
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first. I hope you appreciate this history update.
--
--
My wife suffocated today, but at least she got to see her new pillow right before she died.
Post by: Tiwaking! on January 10, 2012, 09:35:48 am
Because he took a bite of his pizza before it was cool
Post by: Spork on January 11, 2012, 10:22:43 pm
What did the Kiwi say to the statue?
Statue bro? (stat you bro - that you bro?
Much better when you mimic the silly Kiwi accent, which I don't know if any of you guys can do that.
Post by: Baldesto on January 11, 2012, 10:46:41 pm
Post by: Baldesto on January 11, 2012, 10:48:19 pm
The hooker says "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes". "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes". "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes". "Well" says the hooker, smiling invitingly "I own those. And I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500".
So the guy says "What the hell? You only live once right... I'll give it a try".
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realsing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says "I suppose a blowjob is $1000?" The hooker replies "$1,500". "I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1500". The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says "Sign me up".
Ten minutes later he's sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us - all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe "You own the WHOLE city?" "No" the hooker replies "but I would if I had a pussy".
Post by: EnjoyTheSauce on January 11, 2012, 11:40:56 pm
Quote from: Spork;1461579
This one was on a fairly well known Aussie radio station last week (Triple J).
What did the Kiwi say to the statue?
Statue bro? (stat you bro - that you bro?
Much better when you mimic the silly Kiwi accent, which I don't know if any of you guys can do that.
I believe its a traditional Maori joke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZFUZjexzws
(@48secs)
Post by: Spork on January 11, 2012, 11:44:18 pm
Post by: Baldesto on January 13, 2012, 08:03:47 am
BROFESSIONAL: Your perpetually single friend who is always available for a night of debauchery with otherwise married, stay-at-home types.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around while talking bollocks.
CARNIVOYEUR: A vegetarian (or vegan) who digs watching others chomp on cooked flesh.
SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
FREDDY COUGAR: A scary, middle-aged (or older) woman who mistakenly thinks she's more desirable than she actually is.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
FREEBOOBING: The act of wearing a tight blouse sans bra. Think of it as the female equivalent of a man's freeballing.
INEPTOCRACY: A government or state ruled by people who are incompetent.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra. IE. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
KARDASHIANED: Coined following the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, it means the act of being blindsided following an ill-advised wedding.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
RECYCLEOPATH: Person who is militant when it comes to recycling and goes apeshit when you accidentally forget to separate one lousy plastic water bottle from a bag of trash.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
TEBOWING: Idiotic move of getting down on one knee in order to 'speak' to some imaginary 'friend'. Primarily used by egotistical athletes who think deities give a crap about some pass or play.
SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
HUMBLEBRAG: An ostensibly humble comment that also demonstrates the person's wealth, fame, or importance.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake).
SITCOM'S: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.
BRIGHTSIZING: Corporate downsizing in which the brightest workers are let go.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just Made a BIG mistake.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
Post by: Baldesto on January 20, 2012, 08:05:40 am
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks". He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.
Post by: Baldesto on January 20, 2012, 08:05:55 am
RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO: Do not touch my daughter in my presence. You may glare at her adoringly, so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter I will remove them.
RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off of your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. If you show up at my home with your pants falling down I will be forced to ensure that they do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter by taking my electric staple gun and fastening the pants directly to your waist.
RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that sex in today's world without a "barrier device" can kill you. Let me elaborate: I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE: Current thinking is that in order for you and me to get to know each other, we should talk politics, sports, and other issues. Do not do this. Your ignorance and stupidity will only serve to anger me. The only information I require of you is when you will have my daughter home. To this end, you only need two words: "early" and "sir".
RULE SIX: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you've gone out with my little girl you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry harder.
RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time you should not be dating my daughter. She is doing her hair, putting on make-up, or whatever; a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful, like change the oil in my car.
RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate places to take my daughter: places with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool - places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight - places that are dark or poorly lit - places where there is dancing, holding hands, or excessive happiness - places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat - movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme. Hockey games are okay, old folks homes are better, a convent is best.
RULE NINE: Do not ever lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
RULE TEN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy. When my PTSD starts kicking in, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Note the camouflaged face in the window is mine. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car
Post by: Baldesto on January 20, 2012, 08:06:42 am
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home".
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds it will cost 99 cents a word". Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".
Post by: Baldesto on January 20, 2012, 08:06:59 am
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No, what do you mean?"
She says "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me". Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new" says the hairy man "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me". The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee".
"But, sir" she replies "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities". The man replies "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 20, 2012, 08:07:22 am
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra" he says "It's really spoiled my need for food".
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry". "Well" she says "Would you mind getting off me? Cos I'm fucking starving".
Post by: Baldesto on January 20, 2012, 08:08:34 am
--
I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
--
--
I walked into the porn shop this morning I said "Three of your filthiest porn mags please, mate". He said "Have you got anything in mind?" I said "Yes, I'm going to have a wank".
--
So to pass the summer nights away I have started building a time machine in the shed, all being well it will be finished by last Thursday.
Post by: Baldesto on January 28, 2012, 08:13:12 am
--
I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking".
--
Just won an innuendo contest. Had to beat off some stiff competition though!!
--
A teenage girl comes home crying her eyes out. Her mother gives her a hug and asks what happened: "My boyfriend dumped me!" The mother strokes the girl's hair and starts rambling on about the birds and the bees. "Oh shut up, mum!" says the girl. "I suck and fuck like a world champion. All he said was that my cooking was shit."
--
I told my girlfriend today that the male's G-spot is in the anus. Well, her anus anyway.
--
A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover. The chemist gave her the product requested and advised "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes". "Errr... it's not for my armpits" she flustered, embarrassed "It's for my Chihuahua". "Oh well, in that case" said the chemist "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes".
--
For sale: Entire Twilight DVD box-set. Free to a good homo.
Post by: Baldesto on January 28, 2012, 08:14:33 am
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".
Post by: Baldesto on January 28, 2012, 08:15:10 am
-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.
-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".
-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.
-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"
-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.
-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".
-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.
-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.
-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.
-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.
-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.
-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.
-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.
-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 28, 2012, 08:15:43 am
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully and does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says 'If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store. So, she does. The man says "I'll be right over".
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...'
Post by: Baldesto on January 28, 2012, 08:19:41 am
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any rye bread?" She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want 5 loaves". She said "My goodness, five loaves... by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". He replied "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me".
Post by: Baldesto on January 28, 2012, 08:20:37 am
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did". He replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too".
Post by: Baldesto on January 28, 2012, 08:26:27 am
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes the kid asks "Mum what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she says.
Post by: Baldesto on February 03, 2012, 06:36:21 am
-A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
-A defendant facing drug possession charges on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a 'bulge' in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he took a five minute recess to compose himself.
-A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
-Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said "I should have blown your fucking head off!" The defendant paused then quickly added "if I'd been the one that was there". The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
-Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
-Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused saying "Because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested him two hours later.
-The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a line-up of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes". The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out "That isn't what I said".
-In Nashville, they tell of Fred 'Junior' Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
-In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
-In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid being identified in a 7-11 robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
-Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim and blurted "Yes officer, that's the woman I robbed".
-Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
-An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
-A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and nabbed him.
-A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants" said police. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
-In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket
Post by: Baldesto on February 04, 2012, 10:40:05 am
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
Post by: Baldesto on February 10, 2012, 12:42:34 pm
"Well" said the clerk "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained frog's ability to her husband he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied "If I can teach this frog to cook... you're out of here!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 10, 2012, 12:43:33 pm
The sign reads: If you can catch me, you can have me.
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day-10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: If you catch me, you can have me.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7-day-25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program". "Absolutely" he replies "I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: If I catch you, you're mine. He lost 31kgs that week.
Post by: Baldesto on February 10, 2012, 12:44:02 pm
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
On a bottle of children cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Doritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
In an information booklet: "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet".
On a bottle of shampoo for dogs: "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish".
On a curling iron: "For external use only!"
On a curling iron: "Warning: This product can burn eyes".
On a hair dryer: "Do not use in shower".
On a hand-held massaging device: "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious".
On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket: "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment".
On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking".
On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover".
On an electric rotary tool: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill".
On a container of deodorant: "Caution: Do not spray in eyes".
On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard: "Do not drive with sunshield in place".
On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn: "Caution: This is not a safety protective device".
On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter: "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks".
On a battery: See a scanned image: "Battery may explore or leak".
On a toner cartridge for a laser printer: "Do not eat toner".
On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow: "Not intended for highway use".
On a Holmes bathroom heater: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms".
On a can of self-defence pepper spray: "May irritate eyes".
On a novelty rock garden set called 'Popcorn Rock': "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth".
On a Domino's Pizza box: "Caution! Contents hot!"
On a coffee cup: "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!"
On a product called 'Rubber Band Shooter': "Caution: Shoots rubber bands".
On a Frisbee: "Warning: May contain small parts".
On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally".
On a butcher knife: "Please keep out of children".
On a birthday card for a 1 year old: "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less".
On a battery: "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use".
In the manual for a heated seat cushion: "Warning: Do not use on eyes".
On a laser pointer: "Do not look into laser with remaining eye".
In the manual for a microwave oven: "Do not use for drying pets".
On an electric cattle prod: "For use on animals only".
On a can of air freshener: "For use by trained personnel only".
On a can of air freshener: "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers".
On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror: "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you".
In the manual for a jet ski: "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft".
A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm: "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death".
On a package of silly putty: "Do not use as ear plugs".
On the packaging of a sharpening stone: "Warning: knives are sharp!"
On a pack of Breath Savers: "Not for weight control".
On the label of a bottled drink: "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth".
On a milk crate: "Theft of this container is a crime".
On a tube of deodorant: "Do not use intimately".
On a box of rat poison: "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice".
On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid: "Cannot be made non-poisonous".
On a portable stroller: "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage".
On the dash board of a mail truck: "Look before driving".
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
On a string of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
On a child sized Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a sign at a railroad station: "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted".
On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets: "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems".
On a lighter: "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame".
On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy: "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball".
On a package of dice: "Not for human consumption".
On a shipment of hammers: "May be harmful if swallowed".
From a manual for an SGI computer: "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers".
On a package of peanuts: "Warning: May contain nuts".
On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing: "Do not eat".
On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds: "Access hole only. Not intended for use in lifting box".
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle: "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death".
In the instructions for an electric thermometer: "Do not use orally after using rectally".
On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain: "Turn off motor before using this product".
On a box of bottle rockets: "Do not put in mouth".
On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack: "Remove wrapper before eating".
On a remote control for a TV: "Not dishwasher safe".
On the box for a car jack: "For lifting purposes only".
On the instructions for a cordless phone: "Do not put lit candles on phone".
Post by: Baldesto on February 10, 2012, 12:44:30 pm
--
A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
I hate auto-correct! I just sent a text to my Nan asking for sex tonight by mistake! I meant tomorrow!!
--
A robber bursts into the bank and yells "Give me the money!" A brave customer runs over and pulls his mask off. "You can't rob the bank now. I've seen your face!" The robber thinks about it for a moment and then shoots him. "Anyone else see my face?" he asked menacingly. After a few moments silence, a man shouts up "I think my wife had a look!"
--
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
--
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says "Yes, I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy replies "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook".
Post by: 420fairy on February 19, 2012, 12:30:28 pm
Post by: Spork on February 19, 2012, 01:08:06 pm
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:35:52 pm
--
I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green. A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti English slogans including 'death to all infidels' stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the accelerator and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself "That could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got myself a job as a truck driver.
--
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You obviously haven't been listening".
--
This young man had never had sex before he met his soon-to-be bride. On his honeymoon bed, he kisses his wife on the cheek, shuts off the light and rolls over to go to sleep. She was very surprised and said "Hey baby, aren't you going to make love to me?" In which he replied "Hell no, my mother told me you women have teeth between your legs!" His wife thought this was hilarious so she turned on the light and spread her legs and said "See honey, no teeth!" He surveyed the situation up and down and said "Well no shit, look at the way your gums look!"
--
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe; 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
--
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:36:16 pm
-I found an old black bag full of drugs floating in a bath yesterday. I called an ambulance, but Whitney was dead by the time they arrived.
-What's white, 6 inches long, and won't be sucked on Valentine's Day? Whitney's Crack Pipe.
-When the paramedics arrived they said "Its Houston we have a problem".
-Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston. It's called WiiHab.
-What was Whitney Houston doing in the bath tub? Washing her crack.
-Large amount of prescription drugs found in Whitney's room... I bet Jacko's doctor is shitting himself.
-What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse? 204 days.
-What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson? One was a crackhead and one fucked little boys.
-What's black, lies on the floor 'Will Always Love You' and has white stuff around its nose? A border collie.
-A back single mother overdoses... what's the big deal?
-Some sources claim that Whitney Houston is not really dead and that she's in character for her new film 'The Bodybag'.
-Charlie Sheen better die soon or heaven will run out of crack before he gets there.
-Whitney Houston cause of death: she waited too long to exhale.
-What's white and has two holes? The inside of Whitney's nose.
-Is it really snowing or did Whitney sneeze??
-What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one.
-Why did Whitney Houston snort Splenda? She thought that it was Diet Coke.
-Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?
-Tragic news from the music industry "Justin Bieber still alive!"
-Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor. Personally I think she made the right decision.
-A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV. I don't know who is in hell, us or her.
-With Whitney Houston now dead I think we'll see a vast improvement in her live shows.
-I bet they didn't need to draw any white lines around Whitney Houston's body.
-So Whitney died... now she's reunited with her career.
-Can everybody waiting to mourn over Whitney's death please form a line? It's what she would have wanted.
-On the day that Whitney Houston died Bobby Brown still played a gig. I mean it's pretty disgusting... what kind of people pay to see Bobby Brown?
-Whitney Houston found dead. Columbian economy collapses.
-Two detectives are in Whitney Houston's hotel room. One says to the other "I've never heard of her. What was she famous for?" The other copper replies "She was a very well-known musician". The first detective looks around and says "Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she played the spoons?"
-Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to have made a terrible error. I said "Britney" not "Whitney".
-For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone talking about her latest 'Hit'.
-Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to explain to Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad.
-Live from the Beverly Hills Hospital's Life Support Division: Whitney Houston Unplugged.
-Decorations will be different in the Houston house this coming Christmas. There will still be a tree but fewer needles lying on the floor.
-Everyone seems so saddened by the death of Whitney Houston. What saddens me more is her greatest hits album will surely be out soon.
-Whitney Houston lived her life as I ski - face down in a pile of white powder.
-Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day.
-Whitney Houston ended her life the same way she ended her songs. On a high note.
-It is such a shame to hear about Whitney Houston dying of a drug overdose. I was truly hoping that she died in a car crash while giving Mariah Carey and Celine Dion a lift.
-Yesterday I heard that the world had just lost a great asset to the music industry. One whom many referred to as 'The Queen of Pop' and I'd just like to take a moment and say we will miss her greatly. May Elton John rest in peace.
-Hey don't want to spoil it but the extended version of the bodyguard is on tonight, she dies in the end.
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:36:32 pm
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....
STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
STILL HAVING A BAD DAY? JUST REMEMBER, IT COULD BE WORSE...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
HOW ABOUT NOW? STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
WHAT? STILL HAVING A BAD DAY??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:37:02 pm
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough he heard the "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." and knew just what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick" said the boy "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk".
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me". The old man whispered "Boy, you've been telling me the truth". Let's see if we can see the Lord...?"
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done".
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:37:18 pm
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch".
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:39:22 pm
The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption while visiting 'someone' in the area.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, a black caps T-shirt and had a stick of celery protruding from his rectum.
The police removed the T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See, our police do care!
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:39:39 pm
The second Indian is representing BC, grabs the hammer and tosses it 300 yards. "You just broke the last guys record. How'd you do it?" he is asked. "My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am a logger, strong arms, throw hammer far".
The third Indian is representing Manitoba and he grabs the hammer and throws it 375 yards. "Holy shit, you just blew everyone away. How'd you do it?" "My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on welfare and I am on welfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool, pick it up and throw it as far away as possible".
Post by: Baldesto on February 19, 2012, 02:40:10 pm
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died.
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2012, 12:29:28 pm
--
--
oopsie cant have racism here...........
--
During a flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times". Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again". "Oh it isn't that amazing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today".
--
After a severe drop in share prices, an investor calls his broker. "Is all my money really gone?" he asks nervously. "No" says the broker. "It's not gone. It just belongs to someone else now".
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2012, 12:34:35 pm
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2012, 12:38:49 pm
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".
The boss scratches his head and says"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
The Irishman stares into space some more then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Post by: private_hell on February 24, 2012, 01:20:09 pm
Quote from: Baldesto;1471342
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".
The boss scratches his head and says"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
The Irishman stares into space some more then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
i have heard this joke with the following line added:
this irishman is now the head of Qantas
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2012, 11:57:17 am
--
I can't stand those winging people who bleat on about how bad off they are. My mate Steve is brill, he had a bad car accident and lost his voice and both his legs, but do you think he makes a song and dance about it...?
--
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there". The guy thinks 'Great, they think the dog did it'. He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"
--
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
--
Becky woke up and told Sam, her husband, about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones as low as $10". Sam asked "What about one my size?" To which Becky replied: "Didn't get a bid!" Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Becky about his dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10". Becky asked "What about ones like mine?" To which Sam responded "That's where they held the auction".
--
I went up to a girl in the night club last night "Excuse me love, are you a brick layer?" I asked with a cheeky grin. "Why are you hoping to get laid?" she winked back. "No, it's just with that much make up on, you must be experienced with a trowel".
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2012, 11:57:45 am
-Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
- Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
-I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help 'groups'?
-Is there another word for 'synonym'?
-The speed of time is one-second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
-Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
-Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
-If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
-If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
-If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Never buy a car you can't push.
-Never pet a burning dog.
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die'.
-When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2012, 11:58:05 am
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lots of cute guys.
Ten years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.
Ten years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes) and fish is good for cholesterol.
Ten years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.
Ten years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
Ten years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they were pretty sure they had never been there before.
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2012, 11:58:28 am
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something but after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was in the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied "I've been in jail". "Jail!?" cried Sam "What in the world for?" "Well" Bill said "you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah" said Sam "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty... then the damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury".
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2012, 11:58:47 am
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?" "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: 'O o'. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable" says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: 'o O'. Then I pointed to the little circle and said "This is your asshole before prison......."
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2012, 11:59:08 am
At a time when our politicians tend to apologise for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.
-JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?" DeGaulle did not respond.
-When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return".
-There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people, they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities, they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships... how many does France have?"
-A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian and French navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German".
-Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready". The American said "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it". "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show my passport to".
Post by: Baldesto on March 03, 2012, 12:00:03 pm
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed he finally squeaked "It's got to be your ears".
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "My ears? Look at these breasts... they're full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat he stammered... "Outside when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me".
Post by: Baldesto on March 09, 2012, 06:39:05 am
--
Two geeks were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate?" says the first guy "Yesterday I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar". "What did you do?" says the other guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off". "You're kidding me!" says the second guy. "I took her miniskirt off and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop". "Really? You got a new laptop?"
--
I've never laughed at kids with Downs Syndrome. Well, not until I saw one fall down an escalator...
--
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" asked his lawyer. "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for Breach Of Contract" snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly" said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property... you don't own her!" "Damn right!" snapped the tycoon "but I sure as hell expected exclusive drillin' rights!
--
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with". "That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
Post by: SteddieEddie on March 14, 2012, 02:47:29 pm
Post by: Baldesto on March 24, 2012, 09:40:21 pm
Post by: Baldesto on March 24, 2012, 09:41:49 pm
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon three times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the peanut butter.
Post by: Baldesto on March 24, 2012, 09:43:39 pm
"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d' "but you can't come in here without a Thai".
Post by: Baldesto on March 29, 2012, 07:07:45 pm
--
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, having a snack and reading a magazine. "Hi Darling" he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Is that okay?"
--
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man says "Yes, I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy replies "Oh I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook".
Post by: Baldesto on March 29, 2012, 07:08:06 pm
A friend of mine and her husband went to Toys R Us to get a ball for their grandson. The name of the ball was "Ugly Balls". They searched the store but were unable to find them.The wife saw a salesperson and went over and asked him "Do you have Ugly Balls?" She wouldn't have thought anything about this except... her husband was rolling on the floor laughing.
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the WalMart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud "I wonder why?" She replied "Must be because the oil would suffocate them".
I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name so I said "I think her name is Zora". The receptionist said flatly "We don't have anybody here by that name". I said "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with". She checked and said "Oh, your appointment is with Zoya". So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway...
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, eg. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter". One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance".
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it. He looked at it and said "You have to be 21 to get in here". I replied "That ID is a few years old". He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh okay" and let me in.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.
Post by: Baldesto on March 29, 2012, 07:08:39 pm
"Mr Wilson" says the man "I have an investment proposition that needs $20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?" Smugly the bank manager replies "In banking, one should never assume, sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks".
"Here's the deal" says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. $20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very... adventurous".
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?" The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope. She smiles. "Then come in". He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch. "What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.
"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume".
Post by: Baldesto on March 29, 2012, 07:09:47 pm
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Macka's wife". Mongrel says "Okay I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it".
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?" "Macka's wife gave it to me" Mongrel replies. "That's unbelievable... you told the missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?" "Well, not exactly" Mongrel says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Macka's widow'". She said "You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow". Then I said "I'll betcha a case of beer you are..."
Post by: Baldesto on March 29, 2012, 07:12:03 pm
All the way back, Harry became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded Martha relentlessly during the entire return trip. The more he chided her more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To Martha's relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As Martha got out of the car and hobbled inside to retrieve her glasses the old geezer shook his fist and yelled... "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 29, 2012, 07:13:48 pm
Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in. She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.
Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his 'dream woman'. He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight. Tom says to the maid "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call".
Post by: Baldesto on March 29, 2012, 07:14:25 pm
The couple is grossed out by this, but curious as to whether the monkey would do it again so the man tosses the monkey his second peach. The monkey looks at the second peach, breaks it in half, takes the pit out, shoves it up its arse, takes it back out, puts the pit back in the peach, closes the two halves, and eats the peach. The couple are really disgusted by this.
Just then the zoo keeper walks by so the couple stop him and ask why the monkey has such a disgusting habit. The zoo keeper says "Oh yeah he's been doing that for about two weeks now. Ever since someone gave him an Avocado and he had trouble passing the pit. Now he checks to make sure they fit before he eats anything..."
Post by: Baldesto on March 30, 2012, 11:50:09 am
--
Girl: "So what do you do for a living then?" Bloke: "I'm a ventriloquist". Girl: "Really? You will have to show me some time". Bloke: "I can show you now if you like, let me put my hand up your skirt and I'll make your lips move".
--
Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl". The other man replies "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken". So the man approaches the lovely woman and says "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance". So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants".
--
I was through to the final question on the radio. The presenter said, "Take your time, this is for $10,000, choose a category. Your choices are.... A) Greek mythology; B) Politics; C) Foreign languages. I pondered for a short time before opting for foreign languages. "Okay John, you've chosen C) Foreign languages. For $10,000: the Chinese have many different words they would use to greet somebody, can you name one? Remember I have to take your first answer". I thought for a moment before confidently answering "Herro".
Post by: Baldesto on March 30, 2012, 11:50:26 am
-While working as a nurse for a cardiology group, I was asked to obtain a history and physical on a patient being admitted for a cardiac catheterisation. Everything was going smoothly. It felt as though there was good rapport. But the time had come to discuss family history. She proceeded to tell me about her husband's medical conditions, but interrupted herself to say "Oh! But he's not a blood relative".
-A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab". I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
-I'm a Physician Assistant and am primarily responsible for workups before people go to the OR. As part of the workups, I have to check patients' teeth before they have valve surgery - since bad teeth and gums can become a source of bacteraemia. Anyway, because of the timing of the transfers into our hospital, it is often quite late that I have to call the oral surgeon for a consult. He lives about 40 minutes away. The other night, I called him at about 6:30pm, well past office hours, for a patient with particularly disgusting teeth. They were broken, looked like they hadn't been brushed in several months, with chunks and assorted colour smudges all over them. The oral surgeon obliged and came in that night for the consult... only to call me a while later to tell me that the guy had dentures.
-At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.
-As a fourth year medical student on a psychiatry rotation, I was required to spend some time in the geriatric psych unit. One of the first patients I had to see required a rectal exam. I entered the room, introduced myself, and performed a fairly complete history and physical exam. Then, I explained to the patient the reasons for the rectal exam and she agreed. I drew the curtain and began to do the exam. While unfastening the tape of the woman's adult diaper, someone entered the room and said "Housekeeping! I'm just gonna get the trash". I kept on with the exam and readied the KY Jelly, only to find that the patient's bottom was covered with stool. Rather than take the easy way out and just test a sample of stool, I proceeded to sift through stool until I could properly perform the exam. My technique left a lot to be desired however, because I soon heard the patient scream "Hey! You're in the wrong hole!" Entirely embarrassed, I finished, washed my hands and left, only to find the janitor outside of the room leaning on his cart laughing so hard he could barely get the words out "You aint married are ya buddy?"
-One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".
-As a pharmacist, I'm often a patients source of information about their medications. When one woman came to the pharmacy to get a refill on her suppositories she asked if I had any suggestions she could bring to her doctor. She said that the suppositories were not working. "And not only don't they work, they hurt! Sometimes they even make me bleed!" I looked at her prescription, pulled some suppositories from the shelf, and opened the box for her. She then showed me that the corners of the hard foil wrapper were sharp. Of course, I cringed when I realised that she was not removing the hard foil covers before inserting them.
-While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive".
-One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well" he said "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy". "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2".
-A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep Off The Grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'
-A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". "I know" she said "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came".
-I was caring for a woman and asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly".
-As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Post by: Baldesto on March 30, 2012, 11:51:32 am
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".
The plane took off and once it has levelled out, the cop said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said "'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb..."
Post by: Baldesto on March 30, 2012, 11:52:20 am
"Ya know, we can't have this happen again" says dad. "Next time I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be right".
A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lays naked waiting for him.
He looks her over and says "Get up, ya pervert... the barn's on fire!"
Post by: Baldesto on March 30, 2012, 11:57:15 am
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to".
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
-Don't be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always make sure you know who is in control.
-And finally, don't screw around with old folks. They didn't get old by being stupid.
Post by: Baldesto on March 30, 2012, 11:58:30 am
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap'.
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with non-stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:11:26 am
--
I was sitting with my blonde girlfriend on the couch when she said "I think my boobs are too small. I'm going to get a boob job". I replied saying, "I think my hands are too small". She asked "Do you want a hand job?" Yup, she's a keeper.
--
Half of our population have a sex addiction. The other half have vagina's.
--
--
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:11:58 am
DEAR ABBY... a couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
DEAR ABBY... what can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on My VCR?
DEAR ABBY... I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
DEAR ABBY... I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
DEAR ABBY... I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
DEAR ABBY... our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
DEAR ABBY... I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
DEAR ABBY... my forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
DEAR ABBY... I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
DEAR ABBY... you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
DEAR ABBY... I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.
DEAR ABBY... will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?
DEAR ABBY... do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
DEAR ABBY... I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.
DEAR ABBY... this is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said "I will" he knew damn well he couldn't.
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:12:25 am
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said 'Do whatever you want'... so, here I am".
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:13:22 am
--
I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television and the internet were popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.
--
What does the new Apple iPad and Ben Cousins have in common... they can both stick their 4G up their arse...
--
My wife went into labour yesterday. As I sat there I began to see its head peering out. It was at this point I realised that this was it. The rest of it followed the head out with a few almighty squeezes. It was a beautiful moment as I stood up and noticed the sheer size of it. I took a deep sigh of relief that it was finally over. It was then that I decided to wipe my arse and head back in to see how my wife was doing.
--
Just been on bigbustycoons.com. Damn, those guys have really good buses.
--
Man driving down a road. Woman driving up same the road. They pass each other. Man shouts out the window "FUCKING BIG FAT COW". Woman shouts out window "FUCKING WANKER!" Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies. Moral of the story? If only women would fucking listen.
--
A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today. He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
--
A recent survey reported that one fifth of men do not know how to turn on the dishwasher. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering tends to do the trick.
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:13:40 am
He agreed begrudgingly, took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and say hi.
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed "Oh fuck!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of leaving snails scattered everywhere.
Then the door opened with a very angry wife standing appearing where on earth he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:13:59 am
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know" Harold says "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while". "Well, I can oblige" says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:15:47 am
--
Girl: "So what do you do for a living then?" Bloke: "I'm a ventriloquist". Girl: "Really? You will have to show me some time". Bloke: "I can show you now if you like, let me put my hand up your skirt and I'll make your lips move".
--
Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl". The other man replies "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken". So the man approaches the lovely woman and says "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance". So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants".
--
What's the difference between the Queensland Labor Party and a Tarago? The Tarago still has 8 seat this morning...
--
--
I was through to the final question on the radio. The presenter said, "Take your time, this is for $10,000, choose a category. Your choices are.... A) Greek mythology; B) Politics; C) Foreign languages. I pondered for a short time before opting for foreign languages. "Okay John, you've chosen C) Foreign languages. For $10,000: the Chinese have many different words they would use to greet somebody, can you name one? Remember I have to take your first answer". I thought for a moment before confidently answering "Herro".
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:16:10 am
-While working as a nurse for a cardiology group, I was asked to obtain a history and physical on a patient being admitted for a cardiac catheterisation. Everything was going smoothly. It felt as though there was good rapport. But the time had come to discuss family history. She proceeded to tell me about her husband's medical conditions, but interrupted herself to say "Oh! But he's not a blood relative".
-A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab". I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
-I'm a Physician Assistant and am primarily responsible for workups before people go to the OR. As part of the workups, I have to check patients' teeth before they have valve surgery - since bad teeth and gums can become a source of bacteraemia. Anyway, because of the timing of the transfers into our hospital, it is often quite late that I have to call the oral surgeon for a consult. He lives about 40 minutes away. The other night, I called him at about 6:30pm, well past office hours, for a patient with particularly disgusting teeth. They were broken, looked like they hadn't been brushed in several months, with chunks and assorted colour smudges all over them. The oral surgeon obliged and came in that night for the consult... only to call me a while later to tell me that the guy had dentures.
-At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.
-As a fourth year medical student on a psychiatry rotation, I was required to spend some time in the geriatric psych unit. One of the first patients I had to see required a rectal exam. I entered the room, introduced myself, and performed a fairly complete history and physical exam. Then, I explained to the patient the reasons for the rectal exam and she agreed. I drew the curtain and began to do the exam. While unfastening the tape of the woman's adult diaper, someone entered the room and said "Housekeeping! I'm just gonna get the trash". I kept on with the exam and readied the KY Jelly, only to find that the patient's bottom was covered with stool. Rather than take the easy way out and just test a sample of stool, I proceeded to sift through stool until I could properly perform the exam. My technique left a lot to be desired however, because I soon heard the patient scream "Hey! You're in the wrong hole!" Entirely embarrassed, I finished, washed my hands and left, only to find the janitor outside of the room leaning on his cart laughing so hard he could barely get the words out "You aint married are ya buddy?"
-One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".
-As a pharmacist, I'm often a patients source of information about their medications. When one woman came to the pharmacy to get a refill on her suppositories she asked if I had any suggestions she could bring to her doctor. She said that the suppositories were not working. "And not only don't they work, they hurt! Sometimes they even make me bleed!" I looked at her prescription, pulled some suppositories from the shelf, and opened the box for her. She then showed me that the corners of the hard foil wrapper were sharp. Of course, I cringed when I realised that she was not removing the hard foil covers before inserting them.
-While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive".
-One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well" he said "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy". "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2".
-A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep Off The Grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'
-A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". "I know" she said "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came".
-I was caring for a woman and asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly".
-As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:16:27 am
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".
The plane took off and once it has levelled out, the cop said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said "'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb..."
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:16:42 am
"Ya know, we can't have this happen again" says dad. "Next time I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be right".
A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lays naked waiting for him.
He looks her over and says "Get up, ya pervert... the barn's on fire!"
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:17:16 am
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to".
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
-Don't be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always make sure you know who is in control.
-And finally, don't screw around with old folks. They didn't get old by being stupid.
Post by: Baldesto on April 15, 2012, 11:17:42 am
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap'.
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with non-stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Post by: henno on April 20, 2012, 01:53:55 pm
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
........
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
........
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
........
My girlfriend thinks that Im a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
........
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.
........
A wife says to her husband: "Youre always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? Youre in a wheelchair".
........
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said: "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said: "You're obviously not listening".
........
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called wedding cake.
........
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
........
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
........
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on.
Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
........
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for
the show......
........
I just bought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it
........
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.
Just a little house warming present.
........
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.
I think he's lost his rag.
........
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil.
The plot thickens!!!
........
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
........
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
........
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. Aspokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
........
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! nuts to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
........
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
........
I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.
........
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
........
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
........
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
........
My girlfriend thinks that Im a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
........
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.
........
A wife says to her husband: "Youre always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? Youre in a wheelchair".
........
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said: "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said: "You're obviously not listening".
........
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called wedding cake.
........
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
........
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
........
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on.
Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
........
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for
the show......
........
I just bought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it
........
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.
Just a little house warming present.
........
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.
I think he's lost his rag.
........
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil.
The plot thickens!!!
........
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
........
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
........
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. Aspokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
........
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! nuts to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
........
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
........
I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.
........
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
Post by: Ethanor on May 30, 2012, 09:57:54 pm
Cushla rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
...
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score....'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man
Mike refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:43:17 am
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:43:41 am
-On arrival to the airport in the UK, when asked to present their passports, some ladies found themselves in a sticky situation as they claimed they were not reminded to bring their passports and thought that they didn't need them.
-On a trip to the Canary Islands, a lady who took her family of four on holiday put in a complaint about their beach experience. She claimed that, due to the warm weather, the sand was too hot and her children could not walk down to the sea for a swim.
-We had taken a two-day coach trip from Sousse (in Tunisia) to the Sahara with stops off in various places en route. At Matmarta we pulled into a small hotel for lunch. We were served couscous and were just about to start our meal when a lady sitting at the next table proclaimed in a loud voice "What's the foreign rubbish? I'm not eating that stuff. What do you think you are doing? Bring me some real food, I'll have an omelette, now, and hurry up". I didn't know where to look as I folded up with laughter. By the way the couscous was wonderful.
-A man who went to the Costa del Sol complained that there was too much food to eat from the buffet in his all-inclusive hotel. As a result, he put on 'at least 5lbs' during his trip, which he wasn't too pleased about.
-"The disappointment telling the children that the reindeer could not fly was incredible… you must state this clearly in your brochure in future!"
-Another male tourist, this time on holiday in Majorca, claimed that the number of bikini-clad women on the beach caused a fall-out between him and his wife, as he was caught ogling them 'on more than one occasion'.
-I had an old chap from Canada when I worked at the Grand in Brighton complaining furiously that it was absolutely disgusting for us not to give out steak knives with the steak. I had to remain professional as possible, but finally had to point out to him that he was having duck...
-A couple who had spent two weeks in Marmaris in Turkey said that their holiday had been a disappointment because there were 'too many English people around' and the main reason they went to Turkey in the first place was to experience somewhere 'more exotic'.
-An American lady tourist visiting the amphitheatre at Ephesus, Turkey, said: "If this had been built in America they would have at least put an elevator in".
-One man said he was unhappy about the fact that he had not been able to fully enjoy his holiday to Portugal. His hotel bed was 'too comfy' meaning that he overslept on more than one occasion when he would have 'preferred to be up early and making the most of it'.
-At Machu Picchu I encountered a British tourist arguing with the entrance staff demanding a refund for his entry fee. His complaint, "There are too many clouds around the surrounding mountains".
-A group of young adults who had travelled to Ayia Napa in Cyprus claimed that the 24 hour reception in their hotel made them feel like they were being 'judged' for returning back to their room late, despite the resort being renowned for partying and late nights.
-From a renters of a luxury villa in Florida: "There is somebody living in the attic and he has poisoned the food in the freezer. We want it replaced".
-Another male holidaymaker claimed his fear of heights had prevented him from enjoying his flight to Mauritius.
-An American couple had travelled to the north of Norway to see the midnight sun, but as they stood there they complained that it was the same sun as home in America and wanted their money back!
-Finally, a man who had been with his wife to Bulgaria said that the couple in the room next door had been loud in their lovemaking, which subsequently made him feel 'pressured' into initiating sex with his own wife.
-A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel 'inadequate'.
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:44:05 am
As the train rolled out of the station the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting... no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:44:44 am
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "Okay so I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an A.
Professor: "Hmmmm alright. What's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an A as agreed and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an A, which is nether legal, nor logical".
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:45:08 am
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:45:30 am
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little one.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "I once heard the babysitter say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:46:14 am
--
I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives. Best call was from the guy who called his wife 'Harvey Norman'. Why...? No interest for 48 months.
--
"So if Robin Gibb is dead, who will sing "Staying Alive"?
--
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger
--
Every time my wife and I want to have sex, we have to say the code word 'washing machine'. 'The other night I leant over to her in bed and said "Washing machine". She said "Sorry babes, I'm too tired, maybe tomorrow". After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over, and whispered in my ear "Washing machine". I said, "Sorry love, it was only a small load so I did it by hand".
--
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack!"
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:46:35 am
-MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
If nothing else, he was talented.
-PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.
-SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
No, really? Ya think?
-DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
Sounds uncomfortable.
-POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
Let's hope he can do it!
-SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
I'm pretty sure there's a law against that.
-MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
-JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
If all else fails...
-WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
I can see where it might have that effect!
-TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
Probably shouldn't have been standing there.
-IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
Ya think?!
-NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
Sharing is caring.
-COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Who would have thought!
-END TO FREE SCHOOL LOOMS
Long past due in my opinion.
-EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
Poor vision blamed.
-ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
They may be on to something!
-BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
How dare they!?
-REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
That’s how politics works isn't it?
-RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
-SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
Well it's not something you should rush. First time should be special right?
-MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE
He probably IS the battery charge!
-PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
He is human after all.
-KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
Are they going to dig him up...?
-NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
Weren't they fat enough?!
-IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
Can't be greedy about these things.
-ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
Poor Bill.
-TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
Poor little ship.
-KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Do they taste like chicken?
-SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
Old habits die hard I guess.
-LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
-SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
A bit harsh maybe...
-HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
Boy, are they tall!
-STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
I didn’t even realise the tree was looking.
-LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
Can you still eat them...?
-TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
Did I read that right?
-SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
Where do I get one??
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:46:55 am
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright".
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:48:34 am
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250".
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm on the dot and, after paying Sue the agreed sum, went to the bedroom and closed their transaction. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "Did he give you $250?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did". Les, with a satisfied look on his face, continued "Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay me back".
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:49:51 am
Amazed, the father asks "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls"
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:51:01 am
--
My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I am coming or going". "I said to her "Judging by the look on your face, you're going 'coz when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
--
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
--
My girlfriend was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered. As I got up to walk out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"
--
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
(http://www.myfreecams.com/?co_id=30168)
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:51:31 am
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says "Dark in here". The man says "Yes, it is". Boy "I have a golf ball". Man - "That's nice". Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks". Boy "My dad's outside". Man "Okay, how much?"
Boy "$250".
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Dark in here". Man "Yes, it is". Boy "I have sand wedge". The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?" Boy "$750" Man "Sold".
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy "Grab your wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, "I can't - I sold my ball and sand wedge, Dad". The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy "$1,000". The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess".
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says "Dark in here". The priest says "Don't start that shit with me again..."
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:53:10 am
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus" he said "The wife says it's okay". I'll paint ya in da nude alright. But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."
Post by: Baldesto on June 07, 2012, 11:53:27 am
"So Sally" asks the reporter "I know today is your golden wedding anniversary, how old, exactly, are you?" "I am 78 years old" replies Sally proudly. "And I hope I live to be 100". "Well I hope your wish comes true" says the reporter.
The reporter then turned to Harry and asked "And how old are you, Harry?" "I'm also 78 years old" replies Harry "and, please God, I should live to be 101". "But why" asked the reporter "would you want to live one year longer than your wife?"
"Well, to tell you the truth" replies Harry "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet".
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:19:30 pm
"What they lack in quality, they make up for with butter".
"The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them".
"Be prepared for a lot of high-fives and drunk frat guys screaming 'Falafel !!!'"
"The viewing beats the chewing".
"Quail with figs had exactly one fig. When asked for more, the waiter replied there's one fig per customer!"
"The service is like a bad high school play - warm, well-meaning and completely inept".
"Dishwashing utensil in my gumbo tainted the meal".
"If you have no personality, this is the hangout for you".
"Service with a grudge".
"The special occasion place for people with bad taste".
"I'm pretty sure I ate cow's udders and liked them".
"The maître d' made us wait to be seated, apparently for no other reason than because he could".
"Service exists in two modes - know it all and not at all".
"Like eating in an NYC subway station, only nicer".
"Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table".
"The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it's a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program".
"Very polite staff - when a guest fell asleep they served his food as if nothing had happened".
"Good place to turn down a marriage proposal".
"I go here a lot... I'm not sure why".
"The food looks like it was plated by toddlers".
"Overrated, overhyped, overlook it".
"Charming in an authoritarian kind of way".
"Service so attentive you may have to ask for some privacy".
"Take a look at the staff on the way in - that's the last you'll see of them".
"Other than having gone to hell in a hand basket, everything is just like it was before the sale".
"The valet stole my cell phone and called Brazil 11 times". "What is an 'ultra lounge' anyway?"
"Had I known the lobster cost $300, I would have brought it home and kept it as a pet".
"Menu is epic, but like a bad '50's Bible picture".
"Even their 'regulars' have stopped going there".
"Foie gras does not need to be put into a mascarpone cookie".
"I would rather eat sushi from a vending machine".
"Great food amid a sea of shorts and black socks".
"The waiter took my order, went outside to smoke and then waved through the window".
"Could someone do something about the uniforms? 1982 just called and it wants its suspenders back".
"We could have lived without knowing that our waiter was 'Steven from Long Beach".
"If I wanted to be treated with distaste, I would just stay home".
"Our waiter was very unattractive, and this being LA, I have to downgrade the decor rating".
"They make you walk around with a horse stick and blow a whistle. That'll teach you to tell someone it's your birthday".
"Overpriced and undergood".
"The food may be bad but at least the service is slow".
"It seems that the owner, the chef and I have lost interest".
"My waiter was so soft-spoken I thought he was a mime".
"Someone had to employ all those out-of-work actors, I guess".
"If this is American food, I'll apply for a passport out".
"Hard to tell if it is a restaurant or drug front".
"My office comes here for special lunches, but I wish they'd stop".
"The food may have been excellent, but I was choking on the prices".
"Even the ice water had garlic in it".
"I'd love to go back - if you were paying".
"Proof that there's no shortage of people who want to eat bad food in historic buildings".
"The only thing healthy about the place is the exit door".
"Staff wanders around as if they were just beamed to this strange location".
"Who said it was okay to expose your chest hair while serving people their sandwiches and frozen yogurt?"
"The staff is charmingly incompetent".
"A good place to go with co-workers you don't like".
"I do wish they'd stop sticking a pine tree in every entree".
"The No. 1 spot in town for crooked pharmaceutical reps to stuff fat doctors full of $50 steaks".
"Once you drive through axe-murderer country to get here you are pleasantly surprised by all the people and the buzz".
"It's hard to tell where the food stops and the styrofoam containers begin".
"Suffers from delusions of adequacy".
"Took a doggy bag home. The dog refused it".
"If I want to be ignored, I can stay home with my family".
"So much for old world cooking - unless their microwave is hand-cranked".
"Family-friendly, yes. Foodie-friendly, no!"
"If this place doesn't get you laid, nothing will".
"His food tastes better on TV".
"The music's so loud it's like they're asking you to leave".
"Saves fuel bills - the heartburn will keep you warm all winter".
"The immature eating the indelible".
"Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks".
"Our wine was a year older when it finally arrived at the table".
"I actually pulled out my cell phone and called and asked them to please bring us water".
"Abandon taste buds all ye who enter here".
"It has a great reputation among people who don't get out much".
"A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong".
"The roaches always get the best seats".
"I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved - it was my waitress".
"I don't tip if I get groped".
"Chef's responsibility is to turn on the microwave".
"If only the spectacular view could fill one's stomach".
"Foam is not the solution".
"I've been in prisons with better service".
"They put the salmon in salmonella".
"If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to my mum's".
"Grandma cooked like this, grandpa died young".
"I was told by the waiter that I have the wrong palate".
"I liked the concept until I ate here".
"I asked the waitress what was on the cheese plate and she replied 'cheese'".
"Food is awesomely average".
"Good luck with the semi-annual waiter service".
"Only the flies on our table enjoyed the meal".
"Good seafood, but the waiter should be used as fish bait".
"An experience only a suburbanite would tolerate".
"So snobby you would think its high school all over again".
"Anorexic portions at obese prices".
"Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much".
"Trying to be edgy, they fell off".
"You can take lessons on apathy and disaffection from the wait staff here".
"Duck must have had a long flight - tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive".
"Most of the food here tastes like cheese with extra cheese on top".
"Our waiter would have been better cast as an undertaker".
"Portions so small I started laughing - prices so high I started crying".
"So much staff...so little service".
"They're having siesta while you're trying to fiesta".
"Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process".
"A place so phony it would make Holden Caulfield's head explode".
"Like putting a tiara on a street vendor".
"For the price, the lobster should have come via overnight express, not ony express".
"Best things here are the toothpicks".
"All they have is the view, and you can walk outside and have that for free".
"'Breaking bread' should not mean you have to use the side of the table".
"I'm convinced that my salad was deep-fried".
"Less than meets the eye".
"The quiche of death".
"Should shut down the restaurant and just serve the view".
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:19:45 pm
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000!
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24". "Fuck me!" says the bingo caller "You've won the meat raffle as well!!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:20:01 pm
The answer comes " Y..e...s, I w..e..n..t t.o a d..o..c..t..o...r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e...a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r".
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c...e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e...r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o..u..l..d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e".
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that!?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b...y t..h..e t..i..m.e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"...
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:20:31 pm
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
-In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
-Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
-Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
-The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
-Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
-Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
-Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
-The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
-The first commandment was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
-The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
-Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
-The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
-David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
-Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
-When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
-When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
-St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
-Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
-It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
-The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
-The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
-One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew, who was also a taximan.
-St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
-Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:21:22 pm
The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Laxettes and told him to take it all at once".
"Laxettes won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough".
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:22:38 pm
--
My mate always cries after sex. Mind you he is in prison.
--
A well-dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic". Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding "But it feels like rubber". Curious, the lawyer asked "What do you have there, mister?" The drunk stammered "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber". The lawyer said "Let me take a look". And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied "Outta my nose".
--
A longhaired kid is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a trucker. After a few miles the hitchhiker asks "Well are you going ask if I'm a boy or a girl?" The trucker says "It doesn't matter. I'm going to fuck you anyway".
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:24:39 pm
-Women wear high heels to bed.
-Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
-Women have no problem sucking a dick after it's been in an ass.
-When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
-If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
-Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
-Women enjoy, if not prefer, having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
-Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
-Women always orgasm when men do.
-A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
-All women are screamers.
-People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was some funky guitar playing in the background.
-Those tits are real.
-A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
-Same with her face.
-Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
-Sex only happens in very well lit rooms.
-Body hair does not exist.
-No girl would ever be disgusted when the two guys fucking her high-five each other.
-Double penetration makes women smile.
-Asian men don't exist.
-If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
-There's a plot.
-Virgins are amazing in bed, love anal, know every move and every position.
-If you're in a public bathroom and there's a hole in the wall with a penis sticking out, the only reasonable thing to do is suck it.
-When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a slapping her on the butt.
-A nurses primary responsibity is providing patient's with blowjobs.
-Men always pull out.
- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
-Women never "dont feel like it", have headaches... or periods.
-When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
-Assholes are spotlessly clean.
-A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
-Same with her face.
-Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
-Men don't have to beg.
-When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
-Women are always DTF when approached on the street by a bunch of guys with a camera in a dodgy-looking van.
-Pigtails = teen.
-Any other girl is a MILF.
-If you cannot pay the pizza boy, having sex with him will suffice.
-If there are two women in a room alone, they will perform oral on each other.
-If you are the stepfather of an attractive teenager, she will want to have sex with you and your only objection will be "What if your mother finds out?"
-Male teachers always have enormous penises.
-Women will always allow you to nail them for the possibility of a job offer.
-Female teachers are always sexy, look hot in glasses, and are attracted to their students.
-No one ever locks the bedroom door.
-In any college dorm room at any time, people are having sex. No exceptions.
-At any party you go to, people are having sex in public. No exceptions.
-All penises are circumcised.
-STD's don't exist.
-Pregnancy does not exist.
-Japanese women think taking 100 or more cumshots on their face is completely normal.
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:29:57 pm
--
Blowjobs and lobster have 2 things in common. They are both great, and you don't get 'em at home.
--
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
--
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
--
It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.
Post by: Baldesto on July 27, 2012, 07:42:39 pm
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan" she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked "Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it" Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?" "Because my mum is a Chelsea fan and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone "that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then" Mary smiled "I'd be a Liverpool fan.
Post by: Tiwaking! on August 15, 2012, 07:21:07 am
Britain has taken Gold
Demark Silver
The Somalis have taken 2 boats and 4 hostages
The Somalia Olympic team have just issued an apology as they didn't realise that sailing and shooting were separate events.
Post by: SteddieEddie on August 25, 2012, 02:20:31 pm
The other replied ah they blow up so fast these days
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:45:32 am
--
At the cinema a man noticed a hot woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was pleasuring herself furiously. He moved to the seat next to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started pleasuring her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great" she said" but these crabs are still itching!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:46:00 am
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his boat" pointing to the paddock behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him "What are you doing?" His brother replies "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells "It's people like you that give people from Tasmania a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your arse!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:47:00 am
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed. Time for another beer.
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:47:42 am
The pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband".
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture, thought a moment, then said "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:48:54 am
--
Dear Abbie, I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?
--
"I just don't understand why men don't want women to golf with them" said Jill to her friend Mary. "TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!" "Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill. "Legitimate questions, I thought" said Mary. "Like what?" asked Jill. Replied Mary "Questions like 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?'... stuff like that".
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:49:41 am
The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button… va-va-va-voom!"
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid".
At 5.30am the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6am and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse". "Son, don't ever marry a nurse" the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'".
The phone rang again at 6.30am and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pyjamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices". "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator!" the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'".
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4pm, the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?" The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'".
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:50:32 am
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Buddy said "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance". Edna replied "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars". Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Buddy replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Edna fell out but you know... fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:51:31 am
Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge - a diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doc tor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:52:12 am
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends".
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:53:01 am
--
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get. The boss says "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?" The mechanic nods, confused. "Can you play light sabre with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?" "Oh yes," says the mechanic. "Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?" "Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wannabe mechanic. "Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 guys doing that already!" says the boss.
--
During her golfing vacation at Royal Melbourne, Prime Minister Gillard had been slicing off the tee on every hole. She asks her Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for her poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies "Aye, there's a piece of shit on the end of yer driver". The Prime Minister picks up her driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says "No, the other end".
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:54:31 am
Bill gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the regular customer.
A few minutes later the man walks over to the Bill's table and says "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
Bill calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says "Your turn!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:56:19 am
A few months later he went into the bank with a wheelbarrow filled with money. The same bank manager said "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off!".
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder". "Really?" replied the bank manager. "What does it do?" "Give me a peach and I'll show you".
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:57:42 am
--
Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be ok by Monday.
--
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said "I'm only here to listen to the music". "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog".
--
The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you...?" I said "Yeah... the fuck'n drain is blocked again!"
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 09:59:53 am
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the EMT saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbour, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalisation.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbours had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him.
Post by: Baldesto on December 30, 2012, 10:00:48 am
We always hear ' the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing' then we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... REALLY.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as footy or cricket.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!
Post by: Baldesto on January 04, 2013, 08:30:07 am
"How are you today?" "Fine thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago" he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral" he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Post by: Baldesto on January 04, 2013, 08:42:42 am
Anyhow, I had the vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!
I don't know what in hell was in the pills the vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.
Post by: Baldesto on January 04, 2013, 08:43:31 am
"Ken ya swaller?" asked Bluey. The woman signalled "No!" desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head "No!!"
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bottom.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 13, 2013, 04:55:33 pm
The mechanic, a polar bear, says "kind of busy right now, I'll check it awhile". The penguin decided to wander around while waiting for the car to be looked at. Outside for a bit, he really started to get warm in the sun and proceeded to find a store with something cold to eat to help cool down.
At the cooler he pulled out some frozen snacks in packages to devour. But he couldn't open the packages very well with his flippers and dropped them over and over. Looking around for help, he noticed no one close to him but did spy several large tubs of ice cream in the cooler. Quickly he jumps in and eats his fill. On his way out of the store he said sorry for any mess and happily paid for more than he might have eaten.
Back at the garage now, he waddles to his car where the bear is still under the car. Unsure if the bear knows he is there, he clears his throat and asks "So, what do you think?" The bear looks out from under the car briefly and says "Oh, looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin remarks back "Oh no, it's just ice cream".
Post by: Baldesto on January 13, 2013, 05:06:11 pm
The mechanic, a polar bear, says "kind of busy right now, I'll check it awhile". The penguin decided to wander around while waiting for the car to be looked at. Outside for a bit, he really started to get warm in the sun and proceeded to find a store with something cold to eat to help cool down.
At the cooler he pulled out some frozen snacks in packages to devour. But he couldn't open the packages very well with his flippers and dropped them over and over. Looking around for help, he noticed no one close to him but did spy several large tubs of ice cream in the cooler. Quickly he jumps in and eats his fill. On his way out of the store he said sorry for any mess and happily paid for more than he might have eaten.
Back at the garage now, he waddles to his car where the bear is still under the car. Unsure if the bear knows he is there, he clears his throat and asks "So, what do you think?" The bear looks out from under the car briefly and says "Oh, looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin remarks back "Oh no, it's just ice cream".
Post by: Spigalau on January 22, 2013, 01:36:59 pm
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Post by: BerG on January 22, 2013, 02:35:18 pm
Post by: Baldesto on January 22, 2013, 05:15:37 pm
Post by: Baldesto on January 22, 2013, 05:16:21 pm
-Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
-If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
-Get in the shower.
-Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...
-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...
-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
-Shave armpits and legs.
-Turn off shower.
-Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
-Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
-Get out of shower.
-Dry with towel the size of a small country.
-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
-Walk naked to the bathroom.
-If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
-Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
-Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
-Get in the shower.
-Wash your face.
-Wash your armpits.
-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
-Wash your hair.
-Make a Shampoo Mohican
-Wee.
-Rinse off and get out of shower.
-Partially dry off.
-Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
-Admire willy size in mirror again.
-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
-If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again
-Throw wet towel on bed.
Post by: Baldesto on January 25, 2013, 05:57:40 pm
"Well Angus" said the Englishman "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two". "Ahhh, dat's nothin'" said the Irishman "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no" admitted the Irishman "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times".
Post by: Baldesto on January 25, 2013, 05:58:29 pm
The boy asked "What is this Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother".
Post by: Baldesto on January 25, 2013, 06:01:24 pm
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer". "Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart" the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes".
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grouchy old cunt!"
Post by: Baldesto on January 25, 2013, 06:03:12 pm
She was working as an assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly "No, not really."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. "Just a minute" she said, and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well come on!" she said "We don't have much time".
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said "sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me... women have always been hard for me to figure out!
Post by: Baldesto on January 25, 2013, 06:04:35 pm
He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and amongst other things asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep. "Well it's quite simple - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in!"
The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind!"
Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that!"
The Student replies "Why don't you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "Fuck it from behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"
Post by: SteddieEddie on January 30, 2013, 09:29:10 pm
Post by: deanox on January 30, 2013, 09:56:42 pm
Post by: SteddieEddie on February 24, 2013, 09:32:29 am
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:38:33 am
-I'm not one for bragging, but I'm hung like a Tesco's burger.
-I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse... I guess Tesco just listened.
-Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
-Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
-Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger... so I had a £5 each way bet!
-Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.
-A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
-Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.
-I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer... AND THEY'RE OFF.
-Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
-Had burgers from Tesco last night. They gave me terrible trots.
-To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
-A cow walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"
-I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
-These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse!
-They've found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It's an unbridled disaster.
-A Tesco burger walks into a bar. "A pint please". "I can't hear you" says the barman. "Sorry" replies the burger. "I'm a little bit horse".
-I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked "Add to cart".
-I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.
-I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
-Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?
-I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn't accept them. Looks like I'm saddled with them.
-Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.
-Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said "Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale".
-So there's horse meat in Tesco's burgers. Don't worry, it's not the mane ingredient.
-Tesco, everything you want from a store and a little bit mare.
-You think Tesco Horse Burgers are bad, you should try their Quarter Pandas.
-I used to have my burgers medium to rare, now I have to have them good to firm.
-Tesco customers have no manners. I was hampered in the frozen food isle - some bastard hit me with a tin of beans. I've lodged a steward's enquiry with the clerk of the weigh in.
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... JAIL!
-Hard times for Oscar, he's not going to have a leg to stand on in court.
-Oscar's favourite band: Bullet for my valentine.
-Investigators are still stumped at the Oscar Pistorius shooting.
-Poor Oscar, He can't even throw himself on his knees and ask the court for leniency
-Apparently she kept coming home at all hours. Maybe he shot her because he couldn't put his foot down.
- New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints.
- I had heard that he was very highly sprung.
-I have just realised that Oscar can enrol in the shooting event with the next Olympics.
-Reporter "Oscar, why did you shoot her?" Oscar "Well I couldn't exactly kick her out now could I?"
-She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
-If Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never happen.
-Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the 1st man to wake up legless on Valentine's Day and shoot all over his wife's face imagining she was someone else. Whilst Oscar missed out on a Valentine's Day blow job, he can look forward to anal sex every night for the next 20 years.
-Oscar is not going to walk away from this.
-I didn't know he was such an upstanding marksman...
-Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.
-Oscar was surprisingly upbeat after being arrested for shooting his girlfriend. He still had a spring in his step.
-Reporter "How did you get involved with an FHM model?" Oscar "I just took a shot in the dark"...
-At least he gave his relationship his best shot.
-When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes. Who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
-I will not stand for these Oscar Pistorius murder allegations.
-He who shoots his girlfriend on Valentine's Day deserves an Oscar.
-The police are questioning Oscar but they are pretty stumped.
-He can't put a foot wrong now.
-Absolutely shocking news from South Africa: White man arrested for murder.
-Taking your girl out on Valentine's Day means something totally different to Oscar.
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:39:21 am
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross" says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts "Get the fuck off the car!"
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:40:56 am
"Yes mum. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home".
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher". "That's right, dad".
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for".
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me".
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:41:21 am
--
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The old lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. By the way, it just reaches to the back of her sister's throat".
--
Shagged my best mate's wife last night and today I feel like shit. She must have had the flu or something.
--
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife"...
--
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:42:48 am
The American woman said "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"
The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"
The Italian woman chimed in "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye".
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:44:21 am
--
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him "Can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when the trouble started...
--
Woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge". Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and inserts 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does that feel?" he asks. "Fantastic!" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
--
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
--
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:45:12 am
"Well Angus" said the Englishman "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two". "Ahhh, dat's nothin'" said the Irishman "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no" admitted the Irishman "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times".
Post by: Baldesto on February 24, 2013, 09:46:09 am
The boy asked "What is this Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother".
Post by: henno on March 17, 2013, 08:37:21 pm
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
Post by: Baldesto on July 05, 2013, 06:27:18 pm
--
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave". "Yes sir!" the Sgt Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave" the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yes sir!" the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says "Sir. It's you he's fond of..."
--
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather". Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather". Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
--
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk "D-D-Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models". The old woman then asks: "Doooo yyouuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?" The clerk responds "Yes we do". "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"
Post by: Baldesto on July 05, 2013, 06:27:58 pm
Post by: Baldesto on July 05, 2013, 06:28:16 pm
Post by: Baldesto on July 05, 2013, 06:30:35 pm
"I'm so sorry!" the man said. "Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes".
"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay". The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognised that same leprechaun.
"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a $100 note comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone!"
"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!
Post by: Baldesto on July 06, 2013, 09:36:11 am
Post by: Kayne on July 13, 2013, 10:11:59 am
"Whats the difference between your wife and this morning"
--
"I'm not coming in this morning"
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 12:46:43 pm
--
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?" The woman screamed... "No! Fuck off you filthy old bastard". The tramp turned to leave and said "No problems, I'll just go wait at the bottom then".
--
Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or plane?
--
A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster. The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster. The sheik explains "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock".
--
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life AND I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me!" The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honour asks "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life".
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 12:49:52 pm
-A generous couple made single mum and waitress Kristen Ruggiero's day when they left her a 1,000% tip - $458 for a $42 meal!
-Another waitress was given an even more amazing tip: $12,000 left in a pizza box! With five kids, that money would have really helped... but when she reported the money to the police (just in case it was a mistake), they decided to hold on to the money because it smelled like drugs.
-An anonymous couple, regulars at a Houston restaurant, left a waiter a $5,000 tip after his car was destroyed in a storm. The waiter wants to treat it as a loan, but either way it's awfully sweet.
-A Rhode Island waitress and single mum of three who has worked in the same restaurant for the last 15 years. One day last year, a couple came in and ordered a pizza, a salad and couple of beers only to settle their $42 bill by leaving $500 on the table.
-A waiter at a Houston Italian café had regularly waited on one particular couple for eight years when they handed him fifty $100 bills. The man told him to "Go buy yourself a car". The instructions weren't just random - the couple knew he'd recently lost his car when it was flooded in a recent thunderstorm.
-Johnny Depp is a tipping god. Whilst working on a film he visited a nearby steakhouse many times and on one evening, he and his group rolled in at 11:30pm and stayed for three hours while they ordered bottle after bottle of $500 wines. When they left, Depp left the serve a $4000 tip for his efforts.
-This story was the basis of the movie It Could Happen to You. In 1984, a detective was a regular at local pizzeria for eight years. The waitress waited tables there six nights a week for 24 years, he and the waitress got to know each other pretty well. One day when Robert was settling his tab, he asked the waitress if she'd be interested in splitting a lottery ticket with him instead of receiving a tip. She agreed and helped him choose the numbers. Robert called her a few days later to let her know he just won $6 million dollars and that half of that was hers.
-History repeated in 1995 when an auto parts worker in Toronto left a lottery ticket as a tip for his favourite waitress. He asked her to let him know if she won anything and she agreed to share any prizes from the ticket. A few days later, the ticket ended up being worth $184,700, meaning both parties got a cool $92,350.
-If you're a celeb and you're going to become a regular at a place, be like Dan Akyrod. According to one waitress, when the star visits her Syracuse restaurant he regularly leaves either $100 or 50 percent of tab, whichever is larger.
-While running for office, Barack Obama left a 900 percent tip while grabbing a beer at bar in North Carolina. He paid for a $2 beer with a twenty and told the bartender to keep what was left over.
-One waiter reports that not only is Bill Murray a big tipper - reportedly throwing down a 120 percent tip on top of a $60 check - but he's also helpful. He showed the waiter how to make lemon wedges juicier by rolling the lemon on the cutting board prior to slicing it.
-When Charlie Sheen's daughter Cassandra had her Sweet Sixteen, Sheen decided to show off his generous side by slipping event staff a cool $200 each.
-David Beckham stopped at a bar with some LA Galaxy teammates where the gang had a few beers and snacks. After racking up a $100 tab, Beckham simply added a zero to the total bill, tipping the waitress an extra $900.
-A regular café customer saw her waitress having trouble with patrons at a nearby table and decided to help pay for the service-related headache. She left a $446 tip on her bill of $5.97. That's a very sweet 7,471%.
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 12:50:55 pm
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc but to no avail.
The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line "How much for a ride to the airport" he asked? "Fifteen bucks" came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "WHAT?! Get the hell out of my cab".
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks". The businessman said "Okay" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 12:52:03 pm
So a lad puts his hand up and goes "Silver, Miss because then I could scrape it all off and buy myself a Volkswagen Golf just like my mum's got".
Another lad puts his hand up and says "Gold, Miss, because then I could scrape it all off and buy myself a BMW just like my uncle's".
The teacher is looking very impressed by these ideas when little Johnny (well it had to be really) puts his hand up and shouts "Pubic hair, teacher".
"Why on earth would you want to do that Johnny?" enquires the teacher. Johnny replies "Well, my big sister's only got a tiny amount on her body and you should see all the fucking cars outside our house!"
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 12:56:18 pm
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 12:56:52 pm
The first kid leans over and asks "What are you in here for?" The second kid says "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid".
The first kid says "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze".
The second kid then asks "What are you here for?" The first kid says "Circumcision".
"Whoa!" the second kid replies "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year".
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 01:18:27 pm
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. He stood the midget up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor. He then put his finger under the right testicle and asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again as he reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look but couldn't believe that the snipping didn't hurt!
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see how his testicles felt now. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his 'boys' were no longer aching.
The doctor asked "How does that feel now?" The midget said "Perfect Doc. I didn't even feel it. What did you do? The doctor said: "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots".
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 01:18:57 pm
He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said 'Here, try these on'. She did and said 'These are too big. I can't wear them'. I replied 'Exactly... I wear the pants in this family and I always will". Ever since that night, we have never had any problems!"
"Hmmm" said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
The big day comes and goes and before you know it, Mike is on his honeymoon. Mike took off his pants and said to Karen "Here, try these on!" She tries them on and says "These are too large. They don't fit me". Mike said "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said "Here, you try on mine!" Mike did and said "I can't get into your panties". Karen said "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will".
Post by: Baldesto on July 19, 2013, 01:19:54 pm
Post by: SteddieEddie on July 24, 2013, 10:38:35 am
Post by: henno on February 17, 2014, 02:09:16 pm
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he
receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald
head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it
harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Post by: Kayne on August 27, 2014, 10:29:11 pm
Stevie Wonder is performing in china, when half way through he spots a little asian man jumping up and down shouting "Play a Jazz chord! Play A Jazz Chord!"
Excited that there is a fellow jazz enthusiast in the crowd, Stevie Wonder plays a smooth progression in the key of C.
By the time he finishes, the crowd is going absolutely crazy in their seats. But the little asian man is still shouting "No!! Play a Jazz chord! Play a Jazz Chord!".
A little ticked off, but not to appear incompetent, Stevie Wonder plays something he'd been working on personally, and hadn't shown anyone until this very moment.
He again finishes and the crowd is batshit insane, but the little asian man still shouting "Why aren't you playing a jazz chord!".
So Stevie Wonder shouts into the microphone "Alright - Dickhead - If you think you really know jazz better than me, why don't you get up and show us how its done, if i'm apparently not good enough!".
So the little asian man walks up onto the stage, takes a breath, and sings " A Jazz Chord...To say... I rove you..."
If you didn't get it (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwOU3bnuU0k)
Post by: Lias on August 28, 2014, 12:57:15 pm
Post by: Baldesto on October 14, 2014, 09:44:05 pm
--
Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".
--
Question: What's the Northern Territory's indigenous population's most feared insect? Answer: The FlagonDry.
--
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket". The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on". The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied "Your horse phoned"...
Post by: Baldesto on October 14, 2014, 09:44:29 pm
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle Slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied "I think she got fired, too".
Post by: Baldesto on October 17, 2014, 07:46:49 pm
--
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir" said the witness in a low voice. "Once". "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman". The lawyer said angrily "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" The witness said meekly "My sister did".
--
You know you're an ugly cunt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
--
An explorer in the Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed". A ray of light fell from the sky, and a voice boomed out "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash the head of the chief standing in front of you". So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces. The voice boomed out again "Okay, now you're screwed".
Post by: Baldesto on October 18, 2014, 09:45:43 am
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.
Post by: Tiwaking! on November 22, 2014, 08:38:35 pm
Her genes are poor!
Post by: Bounty Hunter on January 27, 2015, 02:13:40 pm
Post by: Pigdog on February 06, 2015, 12:09:27 pm
Post by: Baldesto on February 06, 2015, 02:18:02 pm
Post by: Baldesto on February 06, 2015, 02:22:20 pm
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice "Skippy!" The woman thought "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivalled a fog horn blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Post by: Tiwaking! on December 21, 2017, 12:10:06 pm
"No bread, no milk, no meat. Just great." He said to the man in front of him.
A police officer, hearing his complaints, pulled him from the line off to the side. "Comrade, if you had said that 40 years ago you would have been shot. Now get back in line and wait like everyone else."
The man retook his place in line and grumbled to his neighbor again. "As if that weren't bad enough, I've just been told there aren't any bullets left either."
Post by: Tiwaking! on December 21, 2017, 12:11:40 pm
Post by: Tiwaking! on March 13, 2019, 01:42:41 pm
”Wow, where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer says “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded his approval.
“Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”