joke thread

[Baldesto]

My grandmother died in the 90's, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the country store on Crawford Road, the pocket money she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the car... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And always remember this" she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her lovely soft voice.  "Makes your dick look bigger."

[Baldesto]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to the local hardware store can turn out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their beautiful boobies almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other... then one of them turns to you to perform something nasty... while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen March 24th, 25th, 26th, twice on the 28th, on the 29th, 30th, April 1st, 2nd today and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets!

Just a friendly warning.

[Baldesto]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."

[Baldesto]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "all right, get in."
--
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guy's wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewellery from the girl. When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?" "No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you." "Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too." "I slipped it into my... a... my... um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly. "Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

[Baffled]

What do you call a 1 legged dog?

Spoiler :

Heather

If you still dont get it...

Spoiler :

Watch the news....

And for those that still dont get it...

Spoiler :

Mills

And for swindle....

Spoiler :

Give up bro

[bsmurf11]

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself intoWellington Harbour. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day".
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy and you can make me happy."
The blonde nodded "Yes" through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food.
From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile," (she says coyly), "he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink).
"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said, "this is the Picton ferry."

[liquidpain]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[BigBoss]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Lisa! What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it.

[Pyromanik]

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

[video]LxoE2az9mJM[/video]

[liquidpain]

MY LIVING WILL
Last night,
my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens,
just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer,
and threw out my Beer.

She's such a bitch.....

[liquidpain]

To the citizens of the United States of America In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[drunk.kiwi]

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the
assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little
bemused, explains to the
woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never
have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter
that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular
basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well
that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She
smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment
please, I will get the chemist."

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you
miss?"

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the
blonde.

"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the
chemist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a
normal stick of under arm deodorant".

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

[drunk.kiwi]

One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking
tea and having crumpets.


The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"


The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"


The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"


So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.


When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"


The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"


The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.


"What's the matter?", his friends asked.


The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Woofnstuff??

[Chilli]

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?


You only have to punch information into a computer once.


//


Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?




You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!

[Spork]

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?


You only have to punch information into a computer once.

I see what you are trying to do there.

[mish]

LOL Pyro, we think alike again. I saw those lines and thought the exact same thing, I just cbf finding the clip.
+1.

[liquidpain]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it.. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day".  The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain the following;

Manager           :- How many days are there in a year?

Man                  :- 365 days and some times 366

Manager           :- how many hours make up a day?

Man                  :- 24 hours

Manager           :- How long do you work in a day?

Man                   8 hours a day.

Manager           :- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man                  :- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3

(one third))

Manager           :- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man                  :- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager           :- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man                  :- No sir

Manager           :- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man                  :- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager           :- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days      

 

                      from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man                  :- 18 days.

Manager           :- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove

that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man                  :- 4 days

Manager           :- Do you work on New Year day?

Man                  :- No sir!

Manager           :- Do you come to work on labour day?

Man                  :- No sir!

Manager           :- So how many days are left?

Man                  :- 2 days sir!

Manager           :- Do you come to work on (Independence day)?

Man                  :- No sir!


Manager           :- So how many days are left?

Man                  :- 1 day sir!

Manager           :- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man                  :- No sir!

Manager           :- So how many days are left?

Man                  :- None sir!

Manager           :- So, what are you claiming?

Man                  :- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing

 Company money all these days.


sorry if it has been posted before

[kookynic]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

[drunk.kiwi]

Being a New Zealander is about driving in a European car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, whilst travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.


And the most NZ thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in NZ can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in NZ do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their panadol, lemsip etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in NZ do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in  NZ do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in NZ do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in NZ do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in NZ are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

1    New Zealander dies each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
 
42 New Zealanders were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

22 New Zealanders are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

5   New Zealanders have died since 1994 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

New Zealand Hospitals reported 2 broken or dislocated arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.    

 

Around 50 New Zealanders are burnt each year ironing their clothes while still wearing them

9 New Zealanders had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new tops with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 143 New Zealanders were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth

And finally...

In 2003---14 New Zealanders were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[Chilli]

Q: What is the definition of a birth control pill?

A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant!

....

Sex is like McDonalds...I’m lovin it!
Pussy is like subway...Eat Fresh!
Dick is like Gatorade...Is it in you?
This joke is like an STD...so spread it!  

:lolol:

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.
1.

Try Saying:

I think you could do with more training

Instead Of:

You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.

Try Saying:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of:

She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.

Try Saying:

Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of:

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.

Try Saying:

I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of:

F*** off a*se- hole

5.

Try Saying:

Really?

Instead Of:

Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.

Try Saying:

Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of:

Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.

Try Saying:

I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of:

Not my f***ing problem.

8.

Try Saying:

That's interesting.

Instead Of:

What the f***?

9.

Try Saying:

I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale.

Instead Of:

No f***ing chance mate.

10.

Try Saying:

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of:

Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.

Try Saying:

He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of:

He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.

Try Saying:

Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of:

Oi, f*** face.

13.

Try Saying:

Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway

Instead Of:

Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

[liquidpain]

joke thread

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

joke thread

 
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

joke thread

 
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

joke thread

 
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

joke thread

 
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

joke thread

 
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

joke thread

 
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

joke thread

 
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

[liquidpain]

joke thread

 
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

joke thread

 
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

joke thread

 
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

joke thread

 
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

joke thread

 
Anybody's GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

joke thread

 
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

joke thread

 
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

joke thread

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

[liquidpain]

joke thread

 
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

joke thread

 
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

joke thread

 
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

joke thread

 
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

joke thread

 
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

joke thread

 
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

joke thread

 
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[Baldesto]

I bought a racehorse today. I've decided to call him 'My Face'. I don't care if he doesn't win a race, or makes me any money. I just want to hear thousands of those posh tarts at Flemington shouting 'Come on my face!'
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A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
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Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find".