joke thread

[Baldesto]

A CATHOLIC SCHOOL
                  Kids were asked questions  about the old and new testaments.  The following statements about the  bible were written by children. They have  not been retouched or  corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
                   -In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, god got tired of  creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
                    -Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife  was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
                    -Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball  of fire during the night.
                    -The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they  had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
                    -Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a  jezebel like Delilah.
                    -Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
                    -Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made  unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
                    -The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,  Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
                    -The first commandment was when eve told Adam to eat the  apple.
                    -The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
                    -Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led  the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
                    -The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his  son to stand still and he obeyed him.
                    -David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing  the  liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in  biblical times.
                    -Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700  porcupines.
                    -When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the  Magna Carta.
                    -When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they  found Jesus in the manager.
                    -Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
                    -St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
                    -Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do  unto  others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not  live by sweat  alone.
                    -It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed  to get the tombstone off the entrance.
                    -The people who followed the lord were called the 12  decibels.
                    -The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
                    -One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew, who was also a  taximan.
                    -St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy  acrimony which is another name for marraige.
                    -Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[Baldesto]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was  not much of  a salesman. He could never find the item the customer  wanted. The drugstore  owner had had about enough and warned John that  the next sale he missed would  be his last. Just then a man came in  coughing and asked John for their best  cough syrup. Try as he might,  John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering  the owner's warning,  John sold the man a box of Laxettes and instructed him to  take the  entire box all at once.
                   The customer immediately consumed  the entire box in the  store and then walked outside and leaned against  a lamppost. The drugstore  owner had seen the whole thing and came over  to ask John what had transpired.  "He wanted something for his cough  but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I  substituted Laxettes and told  him to take it all at once".
                   "Laxettes won't cure a cough!"  the owner shouted  angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the  man leaning on the  lamp post. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough".

[Baldesto]

Humped my best mate's wife last night and today i feel  awful. She must have had the flu or something.
              --
              My mate always cries after sex. Mind you he is in prison.
              --
              A well-dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and   found himself beside a scungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and  studying  something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the  drunk held the tiny  object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks  like plastic". Then  he rolled it between his fingers, adding "But it  feels like rubber".  Curious, the lawyer asked "What do you have there,  mister?" The drunk  stammered "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic  and feels like  rubber". The lawyer said "Let me take a look". And the  drunk  handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and  fingers, then  examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and  feel like  rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it  anyway?" The  drunk replied "Outta my nose".
              --
              A longhaired kid is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a   trucker. After a few miles the hitchhiker asks "Well are you going ask  if  I'm a boy or a girl?" The trucker says "It doesn't matter. I'm going   to fuck you anyway".

[Baldesto]

IF PORN HAS TAUGHT US ANYTHING IT'S THAT...
             -Women wear high heels to bed.
              -Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
              -Women have no problem sucking a dick after it's been in an  ass.
              -When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than  satisfactory.
              -If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she   will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with  her.
              -Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face  with sperm.
              -Women enjoy, if not prefer, having sex with ugly  middle-aged men.
              -Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
              -Women always orgasm when men do.
              -A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
              -All women are screamers.
              -People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was some funky guitar playing in the background.
              -Those tits are real.
              -A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take  his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
              -Same with her face.
              -Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
              -Sex only happens in very well lit rooms.
              -Body hair does not exist.
              -No girl would ever be disgusted when the two guys fucking  her high-five each other.
              -Double penetration makes women smile.
              -Asian men don't exist.
              -If you come across a guy and his  girlfriend having sex in  the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the  slightest problem with you  jamming your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.  
              -There's a plot.
              -Virgins are amazing in bed, love anal, know every move and every position.
              -If you're in a public bathroom and there's a hole in the   wall with a penis sticking out, the only reasonable thing to do is suck  it.
              -When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a  woman by giving her a slapping her on the butt.
              -A nurses primary responsibity is providing patient's with blowjobs.
              -Men always pull out.
              - When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her  best  friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the  both of you.
              -Women never "dont feel like it", have headaches... or periods.
              -When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for  him to remind her to "suck it".
              -Assholes are spotlessly clean.
              -A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result  for all parties concerned.
              -Same with her face.
              -Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a  man's trouser and find a cock there.
              -Men don't have to beg.
              -When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place  one  hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other  proudly on  his hip.
              -Women are always DTF when approached on the street by a bunch of guys with a camera in a dodgy-looking van.
              -Pigtails = teen.
              -Any other girl is a MILF.
              -If you cannot pay the pizza boy, having sex with him will  suffice.
              -If there are two women in a room alone, they will perform oral on each other.
              -If you are the stepfather of an attractive teenager, she  will want to have sex  with you and your only objection will be "What if  your mother finds  out?"
              -Male teachers always have enormous penises.
              -Women will always allow you to nail them for the possibility of a job offer.
              -Female teachers are always sexy, look hot in glasses, and  are attracted to their students.
              -No one ever locks the bedroom door.
              -In any college dorm room at any time, people are having  sex. No exceptions.
              -At any party you go to, people are having sex in public. No  exceptions.
              -All penises are circumcised.
              -STD's don't exist.
              -Pregnancy does not exist.
              -Japanese women think taking 100 or more cumshots on their face is completely normal.

[Baldesto]

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman  with a  clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She  was a bit  taken aback when I replied Facebook.
              --
              Blowjobs and lobster have 2 things in common. They are both  great, and you don't get 'em at home.
              --
              A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal  immigrants  come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
              --
              I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy   on the dance floor giving it everything he had - breakdancing,  moonwalking,  back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said "See  that guy? 25  years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said  "Looks  like he's still fucking celebrating!"
              --
              It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run   by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have  countries...
              --
              Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them.   They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they  were  right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching  balls.

[Baldesto]

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a   Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too  are  Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one  little girl.
              The teacher looks at the girl with  surprise and says  "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm  not a  Liverpool fan" she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked  "Well,  if you are not a                Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a   Chelsea fan, and proud of it" Mary replied.
             The teacher could not believe  her  ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?"  "Because my mum is  a Chelsea fan and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a  Chelsea fan too!"  "Well" said the teacher in an obviously annoyed  tone "that is no reason  for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be  just like your  parents all of the time... what if your mum was a prostitute and  your  dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then" Mary  smiled "I'd  be a Liverpool fan.

[Tiwaking!]

In the sailing


Britain has taken Gold
Demark Silver
The Somalis have taken 2 boats and 4 hostages



The Somalia Olympic team have just issued an apology as they didn't realise that sailing and shooting were separate events.

[SteddieEddie]

Two Afghanistan women were talking, when one produced a photo of her eldest boy Mohammed. She said this was taken the day he became a martyr on his 18th birthday.

The other replied ah they blow up so fast these days

[Baldesto]

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it  creaks to a  halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's  going  on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies  the  conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within  five  minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same  conductor walk again.  She leans out the window and yells "What  happened? Did we catch up with  the cow again?"
              --
              At the cinema a man noticed a hot woman sitting all by   herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and  was pleasuring  herself furiously. He moved to the seat next to her and  offered his help. She  welcomed his help, and so the man started  pleasuring her like crazy. When he  tired and withdrew his hand, he was  surprised to see her go back to work on herself  with both hands. Wasn't  I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.  "Great" she said" but these crabs  are still itching!"

[Baldesto]

Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a small  boat. He  brought it home and his wife looks at him and says "What you  gonna do with  that? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within  160kms of here".  He says "I won it and I'm gonna keep it!"
             His brother came over to visit several  days later. He  sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says,  "He's out there in  his boat" pointing to the paddock behind the house.
             The brother heads out behind the house  and sees his brother  in the middle of a paddock sitting in the boat  with a fishing rod in his hand. He  yells out to him "What are you  doing?" His brother replies "I'm  fishing. What the hell does it look  like I'm a doing?"
             His brother yells "It's people like you  that give  people from Tasmania a bad name, making everybody think  we're stupid. If I  could swim I'd come out there and kick your arse!"

[Baldesto]

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down  and  had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful,  and the brew ignited  some deep thinking on various topics.
             Finally I thought about an age old  question: Is giving  birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that  giving birth is way more painful than a guy  getting kicked in the nuts.
             Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I  have come up with the answer to that question.
             Getting kicked in the nuts is more  painful than having a  baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A  year or so after giving birth,  a woman will often say "It might be nice  to have another child". On  the other hand, you never hear a guy say  "You know, I think I would like  another kick in the nuts". Case closed.  Time for another beer.

[Baldesto]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the  pharmacy,  walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,  and said "I'd  like to buy some cyanide".
             The pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need  cyanide?" The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband".
             The pharmacist's eyes got big and he  explained "I  can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's  against the law! I'll lose  my license! They'll throw both of us in  jail! All kinds of bad things will  happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT  have any cyanide!"
             The lady reached into her purse and  pulled out a picture  of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the  picture, thought a moment, then said "You  didn't tell me you had a  prescription!"

[Baldesto]

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you  last night". "Aww  did you?" the wife replies. "Yeah, I  dreamt you were hit by a bus and I  pissed myself laughing"
              --
              Dear Abbie, I was watching my next door neighbour's 14  year  old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too  much for me  and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was  wiping my knob on  the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the  bedroom door. She had  watched me from start to finish without saying a  word. Is she a pervert?
              --
              "I just don't understand why men don't want women to  golf  with them" said Jill to her friend Mary. "TELL me about  it!" replied  Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time and he  told me I could  never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"  "Well, I'm sure  you were just trying to understand the game. What  questions did you  ask?" said Jill. "Legitimate questions, I  thought" said Mary. "Like  what?" asked Jill. Replied Mary  "Questions like 'Why did you hit the  ball into the trees?', 'Why are you  digging up all that sand?', 'How  are you going to get your ball out of that  tree?'... stuff like that".

[Baldesto]

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the  same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
             The first man married a nurse. Jeff  showed them to their  room, all the while thinking to himself "Lucky  guy! Nurses are known to be  hot to trot".
             The second man married a telephone  operator. Jeff showed  them to their room, while thinking to himself  "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone  operators have such sexy voices  and once you pop that top button… va-va-va-voom!"
             The third man married a school teacher.  Jeff showed them  to their room and thought to himself "Poor sap. She  may be pretty, but  teachers are way too frigid".
             At 5.30am the following morning, Jeff  reported to work.  He expected the teacher's husband to call for  breakfast any minute, but was  sure the other two wouldn't call until  much later in the day. The phone rang at  6am and it was the nurse's  husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to  the room and when  the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The  man's  pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
             "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You   married a nurse". "Son, don't ever marry a nurse" the man sourly   replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying 'You're  not  sanitary, you're not sanitary'".
             The phone rang again at 6.30am and this  time it was the  telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast.  Jeff took it to the room as  quickly as possible. When the man opened  the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The  man's hair was neatly combed  and his pyjamas nicely pressed.
             "What happened?" Jeff asked with  surprise. "Telephone  operators are supposed to be as sexy as their  voices". "Son, don't  ever marry a telephone operator!" the man groaned.  "All I heard last  night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three  minutes are up, your three  minutes are up'".
             Jeff returned to his desk, sure that  the teacher's husband  would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4pm,  the teacher's husband called  for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it,  but quickly took the breakfast to the  couple's room. When the man  opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The  man was wearing only a  pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches  all over  his chest, arms and legs.
             "My goodness sir, what happened to  you?" Jeff  asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"                    The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No.  Son,  when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night   was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and  over, and  over again, until we get it right'".

[Baldesto]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair  every year  and every year Buddy would say "Edna, I'd like to ride in  that helicopter".  Edna always replied "I know Buddy, but that  helicopter ride is fifty bucks  and fifty bucks is fifty bucks".
             One year Buddy and Edna went to the  fair and Buddy said  "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that  helicopter, I might never  get another chance". Edna replied "Buddy that  helicopter ride is  fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
             The pilot overheard the couple and said  "Folks I'll  make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If  you can stay quiet  for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't  charge you a penny! But if you  say one word its fifty dollars". Buddy  and Edna agreed and up they went.
             The pilot did all kinds of fancy  manoeuvres, but not a word  was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over  and over again, but still not a  word...
             When they landed, the pilot turned to  Buddy and said  "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell  out, but you  didn't. I'm impressed!"
             Buddy replied "Well, to tell you the  truth I almost  said something when Edna fell out but you know... fifty  bucks is fifty  bucks!"

[Baldesto]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking  it all  around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop  it as he's  liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!"  mum  screams. "Knock it off". You're going to break something. He stops   and eventually mum leaves for a short trip to the shops. Johnny starts  up with  the balloon again after his mum has left for the store. He  gives it one last  flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
             Mum comes in and while putting away the  grocery gets the  urge - a diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the  toilet in time and  SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she  looks down and can't believe  what she's seeing. She's not sure what  this big brown thing is in the toilet!  She calls her doc tor. The  doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,  but he assures her  he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
             When he arrives she leads him to the  bath room and he gets  down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at  the thing. Finally, he takes  out his pen and sort of touches it to see  what it might be and POP! The balloon  explodes and poop is everywhere.  On him, the walls, etc.
             "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?"  she asks. He  says "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and  this is the first  time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

[Baldesto]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who  was  waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus  stopped and it  was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt  was too tight to allow  her leg to come up to the height of the first  step of the bus. Slightly  embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus  driver, she reached behind her to  unzip her skirt a little, thinking  that this would give her enough slack to  raise her leg.
             Again, she tried to make the step only  to discover she  still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once  again reached behind  her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the  second time, attempted the step,  and, once again, much to her chagrin,  she could not raise her leg. With little  smile to the driver, she again  reached behind to unzip a little more and again  was unable to make the  step.
             About this time, a large Texan who was  standing behind  her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her  gently on the step of the  bus. She went ballistic and turned to the  would-be Samaritan and screeched  "How dare you touch my body! I don't  even know who you are!"
             The Texan smiled and drawled "Well,  ma'am, normally  I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly  three times, I kinda figured  we was friends".

[Baldesto]

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a  tree. After  hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his   front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly  climbed the  tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle  tried again and again,  while a couple of birds sitting on a branch  watched his sad efforts. Finally, the  female bird turned to her mate.  "Dear" she chirped, "I think  it's time to tell him he's adopted".
              --
              A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really   wants to get. The boss says "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm  and  pop it back on your head?" The mechanic nods, confused. "Can you  play  light sabre with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?" "Oh   yes," says the mechanic. "Can you bounce your screwdriver off the   cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"   "Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wannabe mechanic.  "Well  in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 guys doing that  already!"  says the boss.
              --
              During her golfing vacation at Royal Melbourne, Prime   Minister Gillard had been slicing off the tee on every hole. She asks  her  Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for her poor  tee shots, to  which the caddy replies "Aye, there's a piece of shit on  the end of yer  driver". The Prime Minister picks up her driver and  cleans the club face,  at which point the caddy says "No, the other  end".

[Baldesto]

Bill goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken  dish. By  the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter  comes back and  says "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see,  that man who is sitting  at the next table is a regular customer of  ours and he usually orders the same  dish. The problem with this is that  this is the last chicken in the house. I'm  afraid I'll have to take  this dish to him and arrange for another dish for  you!"
             Bill gets really upset and refuses to  give up his food.  The waiter walks over to the other table and explains  the situation to the  regular customer.
             A few minutes later the man walks over  to the Bill's  table and says "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you  are about to eat  and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll  do the same to you. You  pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of  yours. You break one of its wings,  I'll break one of your arms!"
             Bill calmly looks at the chicken, then  sticks his middle  finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks  it. He then gets up, drops his  pants, bends over and says "Your turn!"

[Baldesto]

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business  loan.  "What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank  manager. "I  have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina  and it makes it  taste like a peach". Barely taking a moment to  consider the reply he says "I  don't think we can give you a loan". So  the guy left.
             A few months later he went into the  bank with a  wheelbarrow filled with money. The same bank manager said   "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off!".
             "Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made  my money with  this white powder". "Really?" replied the bank manager.   "What does it do?" "Give me a peach and I'll show you".

[Baldesto]

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when  he sees an  Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it   over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. "You   probably saved my life" says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the   Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything  you  desire as a reward". The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new   golf clubs would be nice...?" he says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's   secretary calls him up. "We've got your golf clubs" she says  "but the  Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance - only three of  them  have swimming pools".
              --
              Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and   there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be ok by Monday.
              --
              A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.   When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.  The  producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film  and it was due  out in a month.  A month later, the  musician went to a  porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses  on, he  took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in   disguise.  The movie was even raunchier  than he had feared, featuring  group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the  embarrassed pianist  turned to the couple and said "I'm only here to listen  to the music".  "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to  see our dog".
              --
              The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just   shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you...?" I said   "Yeah... the fuck'n drain is blocked again!"

[Baldesto]

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass  snakes, not rattlesnakes.
             A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot  of potted plants,  and during a recent cold spell, the wife was  bringing a lot of them indoors to  protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden  grass snake was hidden in one  of the plants and when it had warmed up, it  slithered out and the wife  saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud  scream.
             The husband who was taking a shower ran  out into the living  room naked to see what the problem was. She told  him there was a snake under  the sofa. He got down on the floor on his  hands and knees to look for it.
             About that time the family dog came and  cold-nosed him on  the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he  fainted. His wife thought  he had a heart attack, so she called an  ambulance. The attendants rushed in and  loaded him on the stretcher and  started carrying him out.
             About that time the snake came out from  under the sofa and  the EMT saw it and dropped his end of the  stretcher. That's when the man broke  his leg and why he is in the  hospital.
             The wife still had the problem of the  snake in the house, so  she called on a neighbour. He volunteered to  capture the snake. He armed  himself with a rolled-up newspaper and  began poking under the couch. Soon he  decided it was gone and told the  woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But  in relaxing, her hand  dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake  wriggling  around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the  sofa.  The neighbour, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to   revive her.
             The neighbour's wife, who had just  returned from shopping at  the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on  the woman's mouth and slammed her  husband in the back of the head with  a bag of canned goods, knocking him out  and cutting his scalp to a  point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was  again called and it  was determined that the injury required hospitalisation.
             The noise woke the woman from her dead  faint and she saw her  neighbour lying on the floor with his wife  bending over him, so she assumed he  had been bitten by the snake. She  went to the kitchen, brought back a small  bottle of whiskey, and began  pouring it down the man's throat.
             By now the police had arrived. They saw  the unconscious man,  smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken  fight had occurred. They were  about to arrest them all, when the two  women tried to explain how it all  happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away  the neighbour and his sobbing  wife.
             Just then the little snake crawled out  from under the couch.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at  it. He missed the snake and hit  the leg of the end table that was on  one side of the sofa. The table fell over  and the lamp on it shattered  and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the  drapes.
             The other policeman tried to beat out  the flames and fell  through the window into the yard on top of the  family dog who, startled, jumped  up and raced out into the street,  where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and  smashed into the parked  police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning  drapes had spread  to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
             Neighbours had called the fire  department and the arriving  fire-truck had started raising his ladder  as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the  overhead wires and put out the electricity and  disconnected the  telephones in a ten-square city block area.
             Time passed. Both men were discharged  from the hospital, the  house was re-built, the police acquired a new  car, and all was right with their  world.
             About a year later they were watching  TV and the weatherman  announced a cold snap for that night. The husband  asked his wife if she thought  they should bring in their plants for  the night.
             She shot him.

[Baldesto]

THE RULES OF MAN
              We always hear ' the rules' from  the female side. Now here  are the rules from the male side. These are  our rules! Please note... these are  all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
             1. Men are NOT mind readers.
              1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's  up, put it down. We need it up, you need it  down. You don't hear us complaining  about you leaving it down.
              1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of  the tides. Let it be.
              1. Crying is blackmail.
              1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:   Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not  work!  Just say it!
              1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost  every question.
              1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving   it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
              1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an  argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
              1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
              1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one  of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
              1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how  you  want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just  do it  yourself.
              1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say  during commercials.
              1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither  do we.
              1. ALL men see in only 16 colours,  like Windows default  settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a  colour. Pumpkin is also a  fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
              1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
              1. If we ask what is wrong and you  say 'nothing' then we  will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are  lying but it is just not worth  the hassle.
              1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect  an answer you don't want to hear.
              1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you  wear is fine... REALLY.
              1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are  prepared to discuss such topics as footy or cricket.
              1. You have enough clothes.
              1. You have too many shoes.
              1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
              1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to  sleep  on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind  that? It's like  camping!

[Baldesto]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was   sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and  noticed  that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed  his blanket on  the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling,  she attempted to strike  up a conversation with him.
 "How are you today?" "Fine thank you"  he  responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come   here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years   ago" he replied and turned back to his book.
 "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away   three years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live   around here?" she asked.
 Yes, I live over in Cape Coral" he answered, and  again he resumed reading.
 Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted  "Do you like pussy cats?"
 With that, the man dropped his book, came over to  her  blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate  lovemaking of  her life.
 When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped  and  asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man   replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Baldesto]

We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus  bull. We  put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't  even look at a  cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's  possible with a bull.
                   Anyhow, I had the vet come have a  look at him. He said  the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little  young, so he gave me some  pills to feed him once per day.
                   Holy crap. The bull started to  service the cows within  two days. All of my cows! He even broke through  the fence and bred all my neighbour's  cows! He's been breeding just  about everything in sight. He's like a machine!
                   I don't know what in hell was in the pills the vet gave  him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.